The Dossier.

When I went into the kitchen to get dinner( Christmas left-overs; turkey, little potatoes I made with olive oil and herbs, stuffing, etc.) I saw a pile of papers , a few dozen or so,left on my place-setting on the table which looked like a dossier, like for intelligence work or like when you have someone under surveillance, with high-lighted part, so I took it into the livingroom to read and put on my glasses and found it was exerpts from my old blog, back from when the 26 YR old was 15-16, mentioning how I thought being gay and LGBT was sinful and I'd hoped he wasn't gay or trans, etc. and mentioning my concerns and also about his possibly self-harming and being anorexic as a teen, which I had also mentioned my concerns to my hubby and mother at the time but they dismissed as my "imagination" and eventually just convinced me that it was; that I was just "seeing" or imagining things that weren't really there, using my bipolar to make me question what I was seeing, and even though I didn't see the sex-change coming when I re-read this and look back  and sort of connect the dots it all makes sense and you can see it all coming together  and it's easy to see now, but as they say, hindsight is everything. The Old Testament  still does say it's a sin,and I admit I used to be judgemental but since then I've gotten older and mellowed-out and I think it's between them and God and who am I to judge? I also used to think weed was sinful, too, but over time I've grown and changed.

The 23 YR old and her BF and the 26 YR old also stopped by briefly after they checked out of their hotel before they left for back home and I didn't know when (or if) they were even coming (if you don't expect anything from anyone you won't be disappointed, right?)and I was outside just finishing off smoking a J ( I have this massive headache still as well as baaaad abdomenal pain and nausea) as they arrived and I guess I still reeked of weed( even though I always spray myself generously with the Febreze spray) because the 23 YR old's BF was obvious in standing far away from me turned away covering his nose and face with one eye glaring at me with a look of disdain, clearly looking down on me( he's stuck-up) like I was the biggest piece-of-shit in the world.Yeah, I know; I'm a loser, a failure, a nothing. etc. I've only been told that my entire life but thanks for reminding me though and making me feel so small just the same.

 My mother's also trying to get her bloodwork done at the lab tomorrow( she sees her doc early Jan) as she originally tried to on the 23rd but it was cancelled due to the blizzard so then she tried for the 24th but it was still closed for the same reason....which is why you should never wait until the Last Minute! My hubby also tried explaning something to my mother and I and we misunderstood and he got all condescending and said we "don't listen" and I told him we do listen ; we don't understand  and then he cackled, OK then, I'll speak slowly... as if we were a couple of retards.My cousin in Europe who had baaaad COVID (despite being vaxxed multiple times which is why she got so sick!) also went to the ER today too with a chest infection and had to get anti-biotics, and I'm just so fed-up with everything,too; with constant daily pain that never ends, with my bad luck, with my family, with myself, with being hated, unloved, unwanted, a failure,failed hopes and dreams,never good enough, etc.with my life. When I die everyone will be happy: they'll finally be rid of me(they think I'm the problem and always make things worse so if I'm removed from the equation then problem solved)  and be better off without me and I'll finally be free.

Always watching but never reaching.