As someone who at 20 had never heard of Asperger's and who thought Autism was uncommunicative people sitting in a corner banging their heads on the wall...
My 20s were terribly lonely and frustrating. I was unable to keep friends. I could not bring myself to call someone or go to see them unless there was a definite purpose. I had people get angry with me simply for never saying "How are you?" instead just walking up and starting to talk to them.
I'd become friends with a group who would include me in their gatherings for a while, then one day stop contacting me. Some came right out and told me that I was too weird and to stop calling or coming by.
I wasn't aware that I always seemed to turn discussions to myself. I tended not to talk about others because I don't like gossip, and I don't know their motivations so what is there to talk about? I didn't ask people about themselves, because it feels intrusive and I figured they'd tell me if they wanted to share something.
I was rarely aware that I tended to talk and talk and talk, in great detail about things that other people were not interested in. I had no idea how to find other people like myself, and when I did we'd never stay in touch because they also were socially awkward.
Several times I had women who were cutting my hair flirt with me and invite me to parties (my wife says I am a nice looking guy but uses stronger terms) but by the end of the haircut, they were no longer interested in having anything to do with me.
I spent a lot of my time in libraries researching things... I was in the Navy for a while, where blurting out "No, you are wrong and here is why" doesn't go over well when said to someone who outranks you. I had someone who outranked me suggest we go outside to settle a disagreement about meter readings, and I was ready to go. I actually went outside expecting a fistfight, but he never showed.
My jobs lasted from 2 months to 2 years, at most. I was and still am completely at the mercy of office politicians and blamethrowers.
I did a LOT of negative self-talk. If I was deep into a project or researching for a project, I was in my element. But anything involving interacting with someone else, like social situations or job interviews, my inner monologue was a constant stream of negativity about being ugly, stupid, and weird.
I married the first woman to chase me, a big mistake for both of us as we had nothing at all in common. I wish her well, but never want to see her again.
I found a woman who is more like me and we've been together for over 2 decades. She's also never been diagnosed, but I am sure she is on the spectrum. Intelligent and driven to learn about things that interest her, terrific with kids but not so good with adults due to her extreme frankness, very loyal. My best friend is also clearly on the spectrum, extremely intelligent and honest to a fault, and extremely loyal.
I now hang out at Makerspaces, I find a lot of people like me there. I don't mind if someone goes on and on about their latest project or subject of study. Everyone you meet knows things that you don't.
No comments:
Post a Comment