Here We Go Again!

Not again.

My piece-of-shit computer crashed again last night so I re-booted it(I loathe but my hubby says gets it going again only  this time it didn't and it wouldn't re-start and the CPU light never even came on and the monitor stayed black and kept making this weird noise) so my hubby had to set me up temporarily with the laptop but I hate it; the keys are small and flat and feel awkward and uncomfortable plus I don't have any of my files, photos,images, downloads, documents,etc. so to get photos on here I have to take them on my iPod  and even take photos of photos and then upload it onto the laptop which is a pain in the ass. Why is everything always such a hassle for me,anyway? The computer is at least 10 years old but at the same time I don't have thousands of $$$ to spend on a new one and I never had a new one anyway to begin with but just always get the 17 YR old's old one passed down.

I just always get the left-overs, like a dog getting table-scraps.

So my hubby set it up for me but left it on his account and I couldn't figure out how to get out and get into mine(my hubby scoffed, as if he thinks I'm a retard, I thought even YOU should be able to figure that out!) but I DID find out some interesting stuff though; mainly that he still does have a Facebook even though he lied right to my face and said he de-activated it and he even blocked me on Facebook ,too, the bastard, just like the kids(and I checked their profiles,too) did, and as I was on one of the kids(thinking I was him) messaged me, and I couldn't figure out which one it was(and she didn't really believe it was me and thought it was one of her brothers pranking her) as it said, Your Favourite Child(it later turned out to be the 23 YR old) saying she had a gum infection and her gum had been "eaten away" from a bad and infected either lip or chin piercing( which is why it's a bad idea to get those, not only are they freakish and gross but easily infected; just pierce your ears and nose but not your face) and needed him to send her $$$ as she has no dental coverage(not that he has any $$$,either). I also saw the 28 YR old has this awesome red velvet French Provincial-style couch that looks like it came from an 1800's French brothel and I love it, and I'm pretty sure now that they lady who hosts their Dungeons & Dragons IS his mistress,afterall, too, just as I had suspected but the thing is she's fat,too, just like I am, so maybe it's NOT because I'm now fat my hubby's rejected me but just because he hates me? If so she's married as well and I feel sorry for her husband because he's also being cheated on,too!

It's also sooo cold in the mornings now( 8 C today) I need my sweater and a blanket when I sit outside but it warms up later and I'm back out in the sun desperately trying to still squeeze out every last drop of summer I can and Buddy(who is now sitting here beside me and keeps farting and it smells really gross) didn't feel well yesterday and had a fever and wasn't eating until much later in the day and I could even see it in his eyes how miserable he felt, and I also somehow cut my finger opening a pill bottle and it made a big triangle-shaped gash that flapped open and was deep and really bleeding and I wore a diaper the other day to the concert as well just in case( but I never needed it) and it kept falling out of the back of my underwear and also getting all bunched up and making an uncomfortable lump when I sat down and was really annoying  and when I eventually took it off the STICKYtab part stuck to my ass cheek and ripped and tore off a big chunk of skin the size of a fingernail and now it's all red and raw skin that stings. There was also a Covid outbreak and lockdown in my mother's LTC home just a mere 6 hours Monday after we'd left so we'd just made it,and yesterday I had chest pains as well and I'd told my hubby all those stairs at the subway and concert venue were going to give me a heart-attack and kill me although I was hoping for something a bit more glamorous!

Being back in Toronto again it also always feels like something in me just comes alive again,too, and I come out of my "shell" and like I'm the Old Me again and feel like I'm back in my Old Life again even just temporary, in the past where I was happy and I regret ever leaving. That was one of the biggest mistakes of my life was ever leaving. I wish I would have stayed and my life would have been sooo much different.What's also hard about being old now too is I still feel young and like a teen on the inside even though I now look and feel old on the outside;it doesn't match and the inside and the outside clash, so maybe that's sort of what being trans is like; the inside doesn't match the outside?

 Even when you feel you are standing on the rooftops of the world, you could be much closer to the bottom without knowing it.