Tuesday Thoughts.

I was originally going to do these tomorrow but based on last night and now knowing Buddy's having seizures I expect it's probably going to be a long night tonight and I likely won't get much sleep and won't be too "with " it tomorrow morning so I decided to do it now while he's sleeping beside me and I'm still half awake.

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.-Radiohead

 

Update: My Poor Boy.

I was cuddling with Buddy when he had a seizure.

Then shortly after he had another one.

They were Focal seizures and NOT Tonic Clonic ones, meaning he didn't go all stiff and rigid and shake but he was staring ahead out-of-focus, eyes glazed over, out-of-it( the lights are on but no one's home) and he didn't respond to stimuli; not even reacting to my voice or touch, as if he was "locked in" and couldn't hear me and he'd arch his head back, bark, and make chuffing noises and keep opening his mouth and sticking out his tongue, which was blue during the episode,totally unaware the entire time, and I also noticed as well a distinct change in his breathing which slowed down drastically and was laboured with pauses in-between breaths and I could also tell when he was coming out of it too as his breathing changed and regulated and it was almost as if a light turned on and he "perked" up and looked startled, like he didn't know where he was or what was going on, and I reassured him he was ok and I was there and  I had his back.

So that must have been it then, what was going in during the night when he'd keep wandering off and getting disoriented and lost in my room, barking, and getting stuck.

He must have been having seizures  and then come out of it and not known where he was or what was going on and he was calling out to me for help.

So now I feel like a piece of shit for yelling at him for barking and telling him to shut up so we could go back to sleep  but in my defense it WAS from 3 am and I was tired and just wanted to sleep and didn't appreciate the barking....and I also didn't know he was having seizures, either,  I just thought he wanted to get up to pee,but now I know he couldn't help it I feel so bad.

So it makes me wonder then: does he have some sort of cancer and it's spread to his brain or he has a brain tumour, or what? Either way, it's not good. Seizures are never good. He turns 19 in 2 more months but something tells me that he might not make it.

He is my entire life though, my world, my everything, my only reason for living, the only reason I still keep hanging on ,holding on,and still keeep going. 

He is the only friend I've had that hasn't either used, betrayed, or abandoned me.

He is the only light in my life.

He's all I have left.

Up in the air he likes to fly Dog and butterfly Below she had to try She roll back down to the warm soft ground, laughing.-Heart

 

Musing For Today.

 

Tired As F*ck.

I just looove this sweater I saw online! Buddy also kept barking on and off from 3 am, the annoying little f*cker so I didn't sleep much, and my blinding headache also woke me up and when I woke up at 2 am I heard Stairway To Heaven (my fave!) again too, and I don't know what his problem was but he kept leaving bed and wandering around my room and getting disoriented and lost  and bumping into things and getting stuck and would bark and I'd have to keep getting up and putting him back to bed and it was *REALLY* annoying and disrupting and I do have newspaper on my floor in case of a nighttime emergency( and he did do a pee) so I don't know what that was all about but I was furious and now I'm really tired,too! WTF though? I also heard this radio ad for tires that said My treads are worn down and that's exactly how *I* feel,too!!

My treads are worn down.

I also saw Gladiator 2 and it was good and I liked the surprise of who the gladiator secretly ended up being and I've always liked Denzel Washington and he usually plays good guys but this time his character was a really bad guy and I just couldn't wrap my head around it, and so I was like, Denzel! How could you?and the radio DJ also said this morning people generally buy a new sofa every 2-3 years and I couldn't believe it! Really? Is he kidding? We got ours in 1993 when we bought the old Ottawa house and we still have it, minus the ones we lost in the fire in 1996 and I had a thought as well: since I was born in January, at the beginning of a year I also wonder if I'll die in December,at the end of a year, and I activated my new credit card,too, and yesterday I made my first purchase on it( more weed) so I know it works ok.

I also heard a cool idea to get rid of smells in the car as well as foggy windows: put cat litter in a sock,tie it up, and toss it under a seat so that's what I did (so I'll see how it works) but the problem is that you can't just get a small amount of cat litter;(and that stuff's not cheap,either!) everything comes in these huge boxes,and awful,too: a lost 11 YR old girl(she accidently got on the wrong streetcar; I've done that as a kid,too) went to the Riverdale library in Toronto( the same one I always went to as a kid and teen) and asked to use their phone to call her mother and they wouldn't let her, saying it was "for employees only" and told her to use a payphone outside except she didn't know how to use it! WTF? That's just so mean!! She also asked people going by if she could use their cell phones but no one would let her.

People just suck!!

Biden also pardoned his son( after saying before that he wouldn't!) for his gun, drugs, and taxes convictions(not to mention the porn and hookers) which could have given him a 40 year-plus prison term and he's just as corrupt as Trump, evading his convictions which will also be tossed out once he takes office, and I hate it that the law doesn't apply to the Elites, and I asked my mother too what happens if they don't obey the lockdowns and isolation at the LTC; do they tie them down to their beds or what and she said they put ankle monitoring "bracelets" on them like they do with prisoners,and now I listen to the Toronto Christmas radio station that plays all Christmas music(until 1 Jan.) and I have fun re-making them as parodies such as Jingle Balls, Hairy Balls, White Trash Christmas, I'll Be Stoned For Christmas,Police Nabbed My Dad, Rudolph The F*cked-Up Reindeer, It's Beginning To Cost Alot Like Christmas, Jingle Bell Cock, Have Yourself A Hairy Little Christmas,Frosty The Con Man, etc. and I still remember too when I was 20 or so  sitting at the table doing 50 or so Christmas cards but now I don't do any; most of the people have all died now and the few that are left I just e-mail cards now and from age 9 I'd also put up the tree by myself after school so that when my mother came home from work she'd have a nice treat seeing the tree. Tomorrow we're also supposed get our first real snow, 10-20 cm and blowing snow as well so it will also feel "Christmas-y" as well.

You always have to be one step ahead of them.

 

Autistic Outsider.

I found this on Quora and he's so exact, so right, and I can soooo relate to it,too.

Murphy Barrett

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18h

As an autistic person, what do people have against me?

You’re weird. Most people don’t like weirdos. It feels different and strange, and therefore threatening.

That’s it. That’s the whole answer.

Both

Monica Friedman and

Caleb Beers have written good, complimentary answers about this.

Monica Friedman's answer to As an autistic person, what do people have against me?

Caleb Beers's answer to As an autistic person, what do people have against me?

I want to add my two cents, though. I found out about a year ago that I’m autistic. I’m an adult. I was diagnosed at 37. But I accepted as a teenager that I’m weird. I’m weird and not everybody is going to like me. Because you don’t get to decide if you’re normal or weird, everybody else does.

I used to make myself miserable, much as both Caleb described, trying to fit in. But it wasn’t working well, and I didn’t get to do the things I enjoyed. So I just accepted that I’m weird, and did the things I liked.

Now, you don’t want to eschew all social norms. As Caleb said, the key is to pick your battles. Figure out what things, socially, are important to you, and learn how to do them. For example, I like girls. I wanted to talk to girls and not have them feel uncomfortable around me. And I always remembered what a female friend of mine said once, about how guys (not just weirdos like me, but guys in general) would trap girls to talk to them, and that she could never focus on the conversation, she just wanted to leave when that happened. Well, I wanted girls to listen when I talked, so I cultivated a habit of either approaching in her eyeline, or making some kind of noise to alert her I was there, and then to always, always, always make sure that she had some path of physical escape if she wanted. And I found that even if a particular gal wasn’t interested in talking to me, I generally didn’t make them feel unsafe, which was the point.

I learned the rules that helped me do the things I cared about, but I didn’t bother to learn every fucking rule that I didn’t care about. I’m still not great at reading social hierarchies without active attention, because I don’t care if someone thinks he’s BMOC, but I’m really good and figuring out who’s dangerous.

The other thing is, that once you accept that you’re weird, people will tend to self-select about being your friend. I have enough friends that I’m happy. They’re all weird in some fashion too, but they’re all interesting. They either don’t care about my weird, or it works for them in some way. I just had a friend ask me to teach her how to shoot and care for the firearms she just inherited. She knows I’m autistic, and she asked me to teach her one of my favorite topics, knowing that I will teach her everything if she lets me, because she wants to know. I’ve also been helping her figure out how to do better with her daughter, who is probably autistic too.

The point that I’m rambling on about (it’s late, I’m tired, please bear with me), is that a lot of people are really off-put by anything that is different. It’s a human evolutionary behavior. And while it would behoove you to make some degree of accommodation for the normies, you do not have to everything about yourself to suit them. You figure out which accommodations are reasonable for you, and which ones are not, and you’ll still be able to find friends who enjoy your company. Some of them will be neurodivergent in some way, and some won’t. I know it can feel overwhelming when you understand that you’re breaking some kind of social rule, but haven’t the faintest fucking idea what it is, and nobody will just tell you, but it’s not hopeless.

Don’t resign yourself to being a lifelong outcast. And understand that what most people who have something against you have nothing against you personally. It really feels personal, I know, but it’s not you as you that’s the “problem” it’s that you don’t fit neatly into whatever box they think you should that’s the problem, and that’s really a “them” problem not a “you” problem. Try not to let it bother you too much (hard, I know), and try to figure out what efforts of fitting in are worth your time and effort, and which aren’t.