Daily Truth.

 

Momentos Of A Life.

Today is NYE already; it just sort of snuck up on me as I was busy and distracted with other matters and it's never really been a big deal for me,anyway, just like any other day, and I'm always asleep by Midnight,anyway, and I never could figure out what the Big Deal was about NYE, and I'm just always glad to see another year end( good riddance!)and this year the best thing was the Billy Idol and ELO concerts I went to and the worst was, of course, my mother dying, and I still can't believe she's gone and I just sort of thought she'd always be here in my life because she always was and now I just sort of walk around numb, in a fog in a state of shock and I don't really think the reality has hit me yet.

Now the only link to my past is gone.

 For the past couple of days I also often feel a cool breeze inside the house( with no windows or doors open) I'd like to think is my mother stopping by to say hi, and I've had lots of dreams lately as well that something BIG spiritually is coming soon to the world,too, like maybe perhaps Jesus' return or Armageddon or something? I also don't care which faith my kids follow and worship( Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, etc.) either, just as long as they love and follow and obey God but sadly now they've abandoned Him but I still continue to pray for their return.

It's never too late.

Yesterday I also went to the LTC home for the last time to collect my mother's stuff and my hubby had to come with me afterall as there was just too much stuff for me to carry on my own(I'd only brought 3 bags thinking that was enough but I actually ended up needing 6 bags plus a big garbage bag; I never knew she had so much stuff!) and he had more bags in the car and he also needed the dolley for the dresser and chair, which we donated to St.Vincent De Paul charity as it would just be too painful seeing her fave. chair back in the livingroom empty. It was hard seeing her empty bed in the room too but it was a bit easier by just pretending she was out in the diningroom or at an activity,  and I brought home crafts she had made( see the photo above) and kept them (I have one of her painted rocks next to my computer)just like she did with art I made when I was a kid(it's like our roles have been reversed now) and having some of her stuff as memories at home here also makes it feel like a part of her is still here with us.

These are also photos of the kids we have left  and of us(plus I also added hers,too) she had on her wall I now have displayed on the wall in the rec-room near my computer and the funeral guy called me yesterday too saying he wants to see me earlier( maybe their freezers aren't working or something and she's starting to decomp and they want to cremate sooner and need my signature?) instead of my original app't on Thursday  so he's actually coming here, to the house, today( which is better,actually, than the original plan of me having to go there, as it makes it feel less "real", I just hope they don't charge me extra for) and I always refer to it by name ,too, instead of as The Funeral Home because it sounds less "death-like" and I'm esp. glad to still have Buddy here with me,too, as I need his love and need him to help me heal and I can't imagine losing him now,too, and he's the only reason I even have to still keep living! 

My hubby taunts me I'll "live to my 80's"...oh, God, no, I sure hope NOT! and that he'll put me in an Home,too, so he can finally sell the house and he's just so heartless and cruel and I told him he won't even have to wait that long because once Buddy's gone that's it for me.The only one that might have even cared slightly when I die was my mother anyway and now she's gone so there's no issue and now she'll be waiting for me on the Other Side.I also think it's easier for us to adjust to her not being here since she wasn't living here in the house with us anyway for the past 16 months so I just saw her once a week anyway.

Yesterday the dress my hubby ordered for my Christmas gift also finally came, 5 days late, and it's ok but the pockets aren't the way I wanted(and looked like on the photo) though; it was supposed to be one big pocket across the front(like a hoodie) but ended up being 2 pockets on the side instead but at least the colour was right( light grey) and it fit so it's ok, and I'm used to settling and being disappointed; it's the story of my life,and I just sort of expect it now, and when I look back, I sort of knew right from the beginning my mother WAS dying as well(I just didn't want to admit it, plus I wanted to hold out some hope she still might recover,too)

 Once she stopped eating and needed the NG tube I knew the dying process had already begun as the digestive system is always the first thing to shut down( as digestion takes alot of work) and then (despite a few improvements here and there) when she just stayed the same and never really got any better or showed any signs of recovery and was always so drowsy and slept most of the time and hardly even opened her eyes(also as the body prepares for death)...in my heart I always knew, I just didn't want to admit  it. and now I'm so glad I gave her the flowers she loved so much when she was alive, despite my hubby saying they "cost too much" and were a "waste of $$$" .

I have stopped moving while the world, around me, continues to do so.-Naoise McCabe

 

Thought For Today.

 

Final Journey Home.

Last night at 4:26 exactly 24 HRS after my mother died I lit all my candles as a vigil and I still can't really believe that she's actually gone; the enormity and reality of it still hasn't really set in yet and I'm still numb and in a state of shock. Just because no one has seen me cry though doesn't mean that I haven't; I just do it in private, behind closed doors(never let them see you cry), and everyone grieves differently,too,in their own way,and me, I retreat and just prefer to be alone. This is also the hardest and worst part of being an adult as well, losing my mother, and last night I had a dream her and I were back in Toronto where I grew up, walking around downtown trying to find the Air Canada Centre but couldn't find it and she just couldn't walk another step and laid down on the sidewalk and had a heart-attack and died.She's always been a tough old bird and a fighter but even a warrior eventually reaches a point where they fight their final battle.

 I don't expect anyone will be thoughtful enough either to think to send me any sympathy floral arrangements during my grieving because no one gives a shit,esp. not about me, and one of the hardest things too is that we'll never be able to share a joke, a laugh, gossip about her fave. celebs, or updates on relatives or TV shows,( for example Linda Lavin, Olivia Hussey and Jimmy Carter just died and I would have wanted to tell her...but then realized she'd probably already know before me)...and then realize she's not here anymore, ever again, and for my birthday(Saturday, I turn 58) we'd normally go to our fave. Italian restaurant( as well as for hers and for Mother's Day and to the Chinese buffet on Family Day,too) but now I'll just have to order-in and it just won't be the same.

Today I'm also going to the LTC home for the last time too to gather up her things which I know will be a very hard and emotional day and will make it seem and feel even more real, and I pray for strength to get thru it and I also have an app't on Thurs. with the funeral home which will be hard as well; even though it's already all been pre-arranged as her executor I still have to go and sign release forms and sign contracts,etc. and they said she'll be creamted sometime around the 8th of Jan.(and then I will bring her ashes back for her final journey home) which surprised me as I expected sooner( and she'll just be in the "freezer" until then) and I try NOT to think about the cremation process but at the same time I tell myself that it's just her physical body ; the earthly shell that she's discarded and no longer needs anymore since she's already left as her spirit/soul has already departed and she's now alive in spirit form on the Other Side and when I feel sad I also remind myself that she's in a better place now and that she's happy and at peace and it makes me feel better and know that when my Time comes( which I hope is soon) she'll be waiting for me, and this morning I was woken up by this massive headache as well(I still have) likely due to stress or high BP or both.

It was also 13 C yesterday and Niagara Falls even got up to 17 C (at the end of December if you can believe it) and we got 35 mm of rain and all the snow is gone but we're supposed to get more on Wednesday as it drops back down cold to more seasonal temps, and last night smoking mi ganja the burnt ash part at the end of the doobie came off and fell down the sleeve cuff of my coat all the way down my arm burning a hole  all the way down thru the sleeve of my shirt and burning my arm and boy, did that ever hurt like f*ck and I almost set myself on fire but I had the instinct to just stamp it ot with my hand. Even though I DO want to die and am ready to die I don't particularly want to burn to death though.

This is also my fave. dish that always makes me smile, and now I need all I can get, and I saw online yesterday a Dachshund that turned 26 and sad,too: a woman who just had twins died  of heart complications, and I also found out my old friend A ( from Ottawa I knew since I was 19 but he de-friended me when I refused the Covid clot-shot, throwing away over 30 years of friendship just like that) and his wife had their second child in October,too, a boy, so now they have one of each which is nice, and now Israel also bombed yet another hospital in Gaza and the airport in Yemen too, and while UN workers were there waiting for a flight,too, and that Netanyahu(SATANyahu) has prostate cancer and is now in the hospital for surgery and normally I'd feel badly for him but in this case it's karma and it couldn't happen to a more deserving guy.

 I was also shocked, saddened, and horrified to see this most-recent photo of the 28 YR old and I can't believe that this is my kid. You'd think at 28 he's too old to still do the "Punk" thing and the spiked dog collar, face piercings and hand tattoos are just....well, freakish and gross. I also noticed this morning 9-10 or so raised bumps on my yoo-hoo while I was shaving The Beaver that look like warts....did my cheating bastard hubby give me an STD? He's the only one I've ever been with and I've been suspicious for a long time now he's had a mistress, and now this!

WTF?

The bastard!

I've never  had an STD in my life! I'm too old for this shit! F*ck!!

Get a dog and a bag of reefer and enjoy life.-Roger Ramjet Rambo

Born To Walk Alone.

 

HERE I GO AGAIN by Whitesnake:

I don't know where I'm going
But I sure know where I've been
Hanging on the promises in songs of yesterday
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
Here I go again, here I go again
Though I keep searching for an answer
I never seem to find what I'm looking for
Oh, Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on

'Cause I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

Here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
I'm just another heart in need of rescue
Waiting on love's sweet charity
And I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days

'Cause I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

And here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
But here I go again

Here I go again
Here I go again
Here I go

'Cause I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

And here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time

And here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone

'Cause I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

And here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone.

Pondering For The Day.

 

Blessings.

 For the update on my mother's passing yesterday see last night's post titled Sunset.

I still can't believe she's gone.

She would have spent her first night last night on the Other Side.

I saw her in my dream last night too and she was wearing a turquoise T-shirt with a penguin on it, and if I remember correctly I'm pretty sure she had one like that years ago she got at the San Diego Zoo. I feel mostly still just numb but when I really think about it I am happy for her though; she's in a better place, happy, free, and at peace, and the 30 YR old( who stayed over at his GF's last night again) also told me he finally did go in to visit her the night before she died,too, and it makes me wonder if maybe that's  what she was holding on for; waiting for him to come visit to say goodbye before she could let go, esp. since she died just the very next day? I'm glad he went too, so now he won't feel badly. It's also really foggy this morning as well(and so mild too I even had my window open overnight), esp. at 5 am when I got up which I think is fitting to match the way my heart feels,too. I'm also suprised she died now, in Dec. too as most people in our family die in May.

Tomorrow I'm also going to the LTC home for one last time to wrap things up and to let them know she won't be coming back so they'll stop payment on her room(good timing,too, at the end of the month) and they can set it up for someone else and I'll go and clear out her stuff( oh, my God, that's going to be hard, and knowing my hubby he'll probably just leave me alone to it too) as there's no point today being a Sunday and no one administrative will even be there,anyway, and she won't be having a service or anything, she didn't want anything,just a private cremation(she never did say what she wanted me to do with her ashes,either, so I'll just put her in the china cabinet with my Cranberry vase collection in the diningroom I guess) and she already had everything all pre-arranged and paid years ago with the funeral home which I appreciate too as I'm just not up for it,anyway, and it's one less stress for me, and I am grateful that there were blessings,too along the way:

She never did suffer or was in any pain the whole time and mostly just slept as her body shut down, and she died peacefully, and we were given 3 weeks to prepare and expect the outcome, as opposed to have it just happen suddenly, and she was able to say goodbye to everyone, and she did have one last Christmas like she wanted as well, and she lived to see her grandchildren grow up, and she did have 16 months in the LTC home where she was happy and made friends and had activities she enjoyed and a social life and I am thankful  to God for, and despite everything I choose grace and forgiveness(and I hope MY kids do the same when I die,too) and will remember the good times and not the bad, but it's going to be hard to live without her though because she's always been here.

When life gives you a challenging circumstance , you weather it as well as you're able.-Philip

Sunday Stuff.

Pure genius!

My dog gives me a reason to live.

Or people.

Even if they are family.

Or slavery is job creation.

That's the part you kick under the couch when no one's looking.

This just cracks me up!

When life gives you a challenging circumstance , you weather it as well as you're able.-Philip

Now I feel extra badly too with my mother dead that I was just never good enough for her and now she's gone.