That Smell.

This was my bedroom(the source of the fire) after our electrical housefire 23 YRS ago in Ottawa. I lost everything except for the clothes on my back( and I ran out barefoot at 11:05 pm at night. Even my dog died. It was a nightmare and we barely made it out alive. I had 6 kids at the time incl. a newborn 3 week old. After I passed the kids over our 6 foot fence to neighbours I somehow ( pure adrenaline I imagine) I actually jumped over that fence. The flames chased me up the stairs as I ran up the basement and out the back door and shot out the door after me, burning my eyelashes and bangs. My lungs were burning and squeezing tight from the smoke. Everything seemed to move in slow-motion as we sat stunned and in disbelief on our neighbour's lawn watching our house burn down and hearing the firemen break all but one of our 86 windows to let the smoke out.

It was a real-life nightmare I'll never forget. We had to spend 10 weeks in a motel while the house was rebuilt.

I also remember that the morning of the fire I kept smelling this strong smell, like nail-polish remover. It was a really powerful acetone smell and it permeated the entire house, and reminded me of the smell I have often experienced going under General anesthesia, that just invades your nose and head, it's all you can smell just before you're out. At the time I thought nothing of it and I just assumed someone spilled nail polish remover. That's what the smell is like. Another comparison would be when citrus fruit rots. It's just overpowering but at the time I didn't know what it really was, not until after when the fire chief told me. He said it was the burning rubber insulation on the wires just before they burned thru. 

I will never forget that smell as long as I live.

I've smelled it before and got all panicky fearing a repeat ( and yes, I did have PTSD following the fire which lasted 9 months or so) but it ended up that one of the kids had a rotting tangerine in their room they forgot about. Exactly the same smell. It happened again today too: this time in the bathroom and of course I feared another electrical fire, so, like a dog I went around sniffing trying to locate the source. I ended up finding it strongest in an empty bowl on the counter with a trace of some liquid in it and when I sniffed deeper it was definitely nail polish remover that had been in there so I relaxed. I was so scared we were going to have another fire.I was also thinking of calling the fire dept. to come over and check it out if I couldn't locate anything.I guess the trauma, memories and fear never leaves. I will never forget that smell. It will be ingrained into my memory and fear responses for the rest of my life.

As well, yesterday the 18 YR old said she got "hit" on 3 times on the bus and it creeped her out but I wish that happened to me; being ugly I've never been hit on, not even whistled at or cat-called by construction crews. I wouldn't be offended by it or see it as harrassment; I would be flattered and feel grateful that someone found me attractive and desirable. What I wouldn't give for someone to make me feel like that. It would just make my entire day. Being ugly is so hard and it just impacts your life and your self-esteem so much. I'd consider being flirted with as a compliment. I'm 52 years old and I've never been hit on, flirted with or told I was pretty. How sad is that?

Laff For The Day.

Smells Like Skunk!

Here's something funny that happened last night: I've had really bad pain for the past 2 weeks: back, stomach, abdomenal and headaches and even taking Ibuprophen (I try not to take Tylenol anymore unless it's the sinus one as it worsens my liver) didn't ease the pain and only one thing does....cannabis...so once my hubby had gone off to play cards I went out on the back porch to smoke a bowl( and yes, instantly the pain finally left me, giving me a few blessed hours pain-free!) and when I came back inside my mother said to me It smells like skunk out there! I'm surprised actually that she could still smell it; I mean, I did close the door and the windows are closed( it was freezing yesterday!) but her bedroom is now in the rec-room which the window is on the opposite side of the back porch(one of the drawbacks of moving her bed there I guess, as well as that's my little computer nook and has been for the past 16 YRS since we've lived here and now I'm subjected to the pussy-pop crap coming from her radio(they play crap like Lady Ga Ga, Justin Timberlake, Ed Sheeran, Taylor Swift, etc. you get the idea), and loud, she's not even considerate enough to at least turn it off, or even down so I don't have to hear it esp. since I was here first (and I always to music as I'm online) and it makes me just want to cut my ears off;the only music I hate more is redneck country music, so now I have to blast my music up even louder to drown it out and then she says I'm being rude and inconsiderate!) where I sit and smoke though so there's that.....I told her I was smoking up and that was the smell! HA! It does smell like skunk though and I remember one of my neighours saying she calls it Skunk-weed.

As well, my hubby also said he sold his Kub Kar racing track to a guy who drove 2 HRS all the way from Toronto to get for 700$ to pay for the balcony railing! That's sad but when you don't have the $$$$ to buy it or to even pay back a loan selling stuff is the only other option you have left. I HATE being poor! Even more so because I used to have $$$$$. $$$$ never used to be a problem for me and if I wanted or needed something we just got it or bought it and never even had to ask the cost or price because it didn't matter, we had the $$$$, we could afford it, we could pay and not worry. That's what I miss the most about having $$$$; the security it gave us, that even if an emergency of some sort came up ( eg. need a new roof or furnace, etc) we didn't have to worry how we'd pay for it. Funny as well: this morning I asked Google Home device to turn on the TV (yeah, I know, the ultimate in laziness....ha,ha) and when it did I said Thank you! and it actually replied, Wow! I guess what they say about Canadians being so polite is true! HA! It was the funniest thing, but still the absolute funniest thing ever, that I ever saw, was in Ottawa when I was around 20: a pickle stuck to a wall in McDonald's! I thought it was(and still is and I still crack up when I think about it) the funniest thing ever!

Today's Truth.

Monday Musings.

Pondering For Today.

Say WHAT?

The other day the 24 YR old made some off-hand comment that I Don't know what it's like to be addicted... and I was thinking, Oh, my God! Does he have some sort of drug addiction? When I asked him about it he just brushed it off saying it was a joke and that I (being on the Spectrum) must have not understood it or something to that effect, that it wasn't serious yet this nagging worry still plagues me, so I don't know if it's a mother's Sixth Sense or just my bipolar making me paranoid. I told him that if he does have a drug addiction he's not in trouble; we just need to know so that we can help him ( I fear he could die of an overdose or aomething!) and then I remembered my mother's $$$$$ that went missing, that someone stole, and that how it's always the one you least expect..... and it's NOT uncommon for someone with a drug addiction to steal in order to feed their habit, and he added that he Doesn't have enough $$$ to buy drugs... so it does make me wonder and I hope not because he's always been one of my favourites and I worry about him; he's always been so isolated, he doesn't have many friends, he spends most of his time online, maybe he's depressed......I hope so much he's OK but I worry so much and he's always been so....mysterious....If anything happened to him it would shatter my heart and soul into a million pieces.

My hubby is also out of focus: in just the same week he lost both his health card AND his driver's license. The 12 YR old found the health card in the driveway and the license was in his office downstairs behind his desk. He always makes fun of me for being forgetful and not rememmbering and calls me old (even though mine is medical, most likely due to my kidney failure which causes brain fog and confusion) and now look at him! HA!