Sunday Stuff.

But still no one ever listens to me.

Ya think?

Suicide?

Yet still not good enough.

Only 9 days to go! woo-hoo!!

My Happy Place.

....and smoke weed!

Not "most"......ALL!!

Even if they ARE family.

I always said, "You're f*cking retarded!" right from the very beginning.

I still need to be heard even if no one's listening.

 

Daily Pondering.

 

Pee-Pee Poo-Poo.

Look closely.....can you see it? I tried to take a photo but it's hard to see. 

I saw this on the bathroom mirror.

It says: Pee-Pee Poo-Poo.

I didn't even have to guess who wrote it.

 I knew right away. It was the 28 YR old.

 Who else?

 He said he did it using a special chalk that writes on glass. I never even knew that such a thing existed. You learn something new every day. Some days you learn more than one thing.

NOW my mother says she doesn't want to go to THAT PLACE and wants to go home and insists we get her one of those expensive electric wheelchairs as well( she just has the "push" kind like the Pope has; it's good enough for him but apparantly not for her) that costs thousands of $$$ we just don't have and can't afford so maybe the kids can all get together and pay for it (she said she Looked after them now it's their turn to look after her)and she can't come back here as she needs extra care we can't give and we're NOT going back to the way it was before and it was so bad I was suicidal; if she comes back I'll end up dead, and like the 28 YR old said, we got used to 'luxury' and we're not giving it up now, and he even said, upon hearing it costs almost 2K a month for her LTC home, Wouldn't euthanasia be cheaper? 

Then she also threatens to do the "Houdini" thing and "escape" the hospital and take a taxi home and calls up my hubby(who is in NY until late Monday so I'm here all alone to deal with all her shit) to complain to him I'm "not helping" her,etc. and he told her to go ahead, knowing she can't even get out of bed without assistance, nevermind on the elevator, in a taxi, up the stairs, etc.but what worries me is if she refuses they won't make her and will send her back home, and I know that will be the end of me; I finally started to have a better life and then to only have it taken away from me....I told her she's just  nervous because it's a change and something new, like I always was before camp each summer, but like me, she'll end up enjoying it, and for me camp even ended up being one of my fondest memories. She also kept calling me and bugging me too but I just stopped answering and just let the machine pick it up; I'm not "obligated" to put up with that; my mental health has to come first.

I've also been chasing this bismuth sculpture guy around all summer at the various fairs and now he finally has the hippo one and he'll be bringing it by on Monday. It costs 160$ which I know is alot but sometimes you just have to treat yourself and we all have to pay for the important things in life.Weird as well: now I can only hear the birds singing after I smoked weed, so it's almost like I have to be in a certain state of mind to be able to hear them; on a certain wavelength or vibration, and it's been 2 weeks since my throat, stomach,and colon biopsies as well and  I've heard nothing so I guess they were ok, and there's this yappy little dickhead I always hear every day non-stop when I'm outside the back, likely a neighbour's Yorkie or Chihuahua and it never shuts up and my Chihuahuas weren't "yappy" and never barked like that though; they only barked when someone came to the door, and we're supposed to have a heatwave for the next few days as well; 30-31C and feel like 38C and we never even had a 30C day all August! I also have less laundry and garbage with my hubby gone, much less, making me think that he must be the one that manufactures the most laundry and garbage...

My friend F( from grade 6) also bought this sweet ride for his son before he returns back to university next week and it reminds me of my BFF and my friend A when they turned 16 their parents gave them a car for their birthdays and my friend K in highschool had this really cool gold Trans-Am that had an eagle or something on the hood and he was so cool and popular,too; he was a Greek adonis that looked like Yanni and all the girls liked him but he only liked me as a friend( no guy like that ever likes me as more than a friend; in fact, no guy ever likes me more than a friend). One thing for sure, cars in the 70's and 80's were really really cool.Just like the music.Buddy's face is better now,too, and I think it must have been a wasp that stung him,esp. now when insects fly near him he looks scared and runs off!

You don't need too much. Too much is overwhelming.

 

Musing For Today.

 

Hello September!

Holy shit, man, I can't believe it's already September! The lady from Home Care also phoned me yesterday and said a spot in an LTC home opened up (already!) for my mother in a nearby town 20 or so minutes away and they want her moving in on Tuesday....the first day my hubby's back at work after he gets back from NY late Monday night; a bad time, so I asked if we could wait at least until the next day and they said they only admit Tuesdays and Thursdays(and if you wait longer than 5 days you lose your spot and go back down to the bottom of the list so I'm glad it wasn't while I'm away for a week) so we got Thursday but have to pay an extra "holding" fee for the bed. I'm surprised it was so fast; we were expecting a year or more but they said the priority is clearing the hospital beds, plus they're probably also eager to get rid of her as she's such a big demanding pain-in-the-ass, too! HA! They said the admission process is 2-4 hours long,too(like registration day at college or passing thru immigration in Russia or the UK), so my hubby has to take the morning off work he won't be "happy" about but what can we do? The transfer service also charges a ridiculous 75$ every 15 minutes (that's even worse than the airport shuttle service) too so we said f*ck that; he'll just pick her up and toss her in the car and bring her himself at that price! The place looks really nice,too, and with so many activities it's more like a resort than an old-folks' home and she should hopefully be happy there.They also asked if she had the Covid "Clot-Shot" but also said that it didn't matter, thank God; I don't want them rejecting her after all that!

Growing up and for most of my life I've also been so closely "attached" to my mother as well it's always just only ever been the two of us and it's like I never really had my "own" identity; we were always a team, a pair, a "package deal" and when she finally moved out I just felt so emancipated, so free; it was like a giant "burden" had been lifted off and life at home now without her not here is now also so much less stressful and easier for everyone, and now she'll be further away we'll just be able to visit once a week, most likely on Sunday afternoons, and this will be a busy end-of-summer for all of us,too: my hubby in NY this week, then my mother's Big Move next week, and then I go on my trip the week after, and me swimming in the Caribbean Sea will also be my first time swimming all summer(and at the beach!) so I'm really looking forward to it! I LOVE being in the water; I'm almost like a mermaid or a fish!

The other day I also saw burgundy-colour hollyhocks, and I haven't seen them in decades but as a kid I used to see them all the time so it was nostalgic and brought back happy childhood memories, and I have more excema on my lower back again so I must have eaten something allergic, my guess is something with cream hidden in it(that might also explain the cramps and diarrhrea), and the 28 YR old said my cooking isn't "good enough" for him and he "only eats it if he's starving" and there's "nothing else" to eat, and it's insulting, so I decided from now on I'm not even going to cook for him anymore; why bother? I won't save him a serving anymore and just cook for the 16 YR old and I(and my hubby when he eats what I cook, but he's really picky and pretty well just eats the grilled chicken and the souvlaki but not the meatball stew, the lasagna, the Pesto chicken, etc.) and yesterday outside the back porch it stunk really bad,too, like stinky feet, and every time I hear about a suicide I always want to know how they did it,too, so I can get some "pointers" because all the ways I've tried have never worked.

If at first you don't succeed, keep trying.

It's time to smoke another doobie and disappear into my own mind.