In The Moment.

Stille Nacht.

We got our first official snow!

The first snow is always magical.

I woke up at 5 am and just laid on my bed looking out the window at the snow falling down. It was so still,silent. peaceful, moonlit, and quiet.I love it. I still get just as excited for the first snowfall just like I was when I was a kid. I can also still remember when the 30 YR old was little he thought I was "magical" and that I could make it snow as I would tell him It's going to snow tomorrow! and it would and because I always knew ahead of time he thought that I actually could make it snow!Buddy not so much though,when he went out this morning to pee he just stood there all pissed-off-looking like he was thinking, What the f*ck is this? They said we might get 15-20 cm and we even have a snow squall  and blowing snow advisory and warning  with zero visibility and all the school buses were cancelled and highway 401 ( the main one and the one the 30 YR old takes in to Toronto for work) is all backed-up, with accidents everywhere( you'd think everyone forgot how to drive in winter even though we have it every year) and parts of it are shut down and I was hoping the client would  cancel and he'd stay home today and NOT have to travel out in that but no such luck.

I'm still hoping once they actually get out on the highway they change their mind and turn around and come right  back home.

They said next week it's supposed to get warm again up to 7C and rain so all the pretty snow will be all washed away and gone but for now I just stay in the moment and enjoy the moment. I was also hoping to see the first snow before I die as I wanted to see snow one last time before I die so now I can die happy. Last night Buddy also only barked once, around Midnight, I assume must have been another seizure but it was dark so I couldn't see but I picked him up and held him and let him know I was there and he settled off back to sleep and nothing for the rest of the night so we were both able to get a good sleep, a blessing.

This is also one of our cousins' in Europe's Christmas outdoor lights, giving my hubby a "run for his money", ha,ha, and like us they also add new ones each year, and my hubby now over-did pickleball again( even though he denies it) and put out his shoulder this time and has to go to Physio now; he doesn't realize( or accept) that he's an old man(60) now and can no longer do the same things at the same level that he used to when he was in his 20s and 30s, and I also heard a rumour that RFK Jr. is addicted to heroin,too, which I find ironic considering how he's always going on about good health and no vaccines and eating healthy natural foods, etc. yet he thinks nothing of shooting "smack?"😂 There was also a fire at the local Tim Hortons here.Some asshole(I don't know who he is but I hate him) also re-made Tom Petty's Christmas song and even changed part of the lyrics and ruined it and now I'm mad.

******UPDATE******

The 30 YR old just came back from work! They got on the 401 and it was soooo bad they even got stuck and there was an 18 wheeler on its side, etc. so they just said f*ck this! and  turned around and came back home, which I think was a wise decision and I'm grateful God answered my prayer and brought him safely back home to me. I told him he shouldn't have gone and I was right.

Always listen to your mother!!

I also noticed that someone had stolen my stollen as all of a sudden half of it was gone.

Yup, you guessed it: it was him.

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, we're left powerless in the face of overwhelming sorrow.-Mandy Shari

 

Tuesday Thoughts.

I was originally going to do these tomorrow but based on last night and now knowing Buddy's having seizures I expect it's probably going to be a long night tonight and I likely won't get much sleep and won't be too "with " it tomorrow morning so I decided to do it now while he's sleeping beside me and I'm still half awake.

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.-Radiohead

 

Update: My Poor Boy.

I was cuddling with Buddy when he had a seizure.

Then shortly after he had another one.

They were Focal seizures and NOT Tonic Clonic ones, meaning he didn't go all stiff and rigid and shake but he was staring ahead out-of-focus, eyes glazed over, out-of-it( the lights are on but no one's home) and he didn't respond to stimuli; not even reacting to my voice or touch, as if he was "locked in" and couldn't hear me and he'd arch his head back, bark, and make chuffing noises and keep opening his mouth and sticking out his tongue, which was blue during the episode,totally unaware the entire time, and I also noticed as well a distinct change in his breathing which slowed down drastically and was laboured with pauses in-between breaths and I could also tell when he was coming out of it too as his breathing changed and regulated and it was almost as if a light turned on and he "perked" up and looked startled, like he didn't know where he was or what was going on, and I reassured him he was ok and I was there and  I had his back.

So that must have been it then, what was going in during the night when he'd keep wandering off and getting disoriented and lost in my room, barking, and getting stuck.

He must have been having seizures  and then come out of it and not known where he was or what was going on and he was calling out to me for help.

So now I feel like a piece of shit for yelling at him for barking and telling him to shut up so we could go back to sleep  but in my defense it WAS from 3 am and I was tired and just wanted to sleep and didn't appreciate the barking....and I also didn't know he was having seizures, either,  I just thought he wanted to get up to pee,but now I know he couldn't help it I feel so bad.

So it makes me wonder then: does he have some sort of cancer and it's spread to his brain or he has a brain tumour, or what? Either way, it's not good. Seizures are never good. He turns 19 in 2 more months but something tells me that he might not make it.

He is my entire life though, my world, my everything, my only reason for living, the only reason I still keep hanging on ,holding on,and still keeep going. 

He is the only friend I've had that hasn't either used, betrayed, or abandoned me.

He is the only light in my life.

The only light in the darkness.

He's all I have left.

Up in the air he likes to fly Dog and butterfly Below she had to try She roll back down to the warm soft ground, laughing.-Heart

 

Musing For Today.

 

Tired As F*ck.

I just looove this sweater I saw online! Buddy also kept barking on and off from 3 am, the annoying little f*cker so I didn't sleep much, and my blinding headache also woke me up and when I woke up at 2 am I heard Stairway To Heaven (my fave!) again too, and I don't know what his problem was but he kept leaving bed and wandering around my room and getting disoriented and lost  and bumping into things and getting stuck and would bark and I'd have to keep getting up and putting him back to bed and it was *REALLY* annoying and disrupting and I do have newspaper on my floor in case of a nighttime emergency( and he did do a pee) so I don't know what that was all about but I was furious and now I'm really tired,too! WTF though? I also heard this radio ad for tires that said My treads are worn down and that's exactly how *I* feel,too!!

My treads are worn down.

I also saw Gladiator 2 and it was good and I liked the surprise of who the gladiator secretly ended up being and I've always liked Denzel Washington and he usually plays good guys but this time his character was a really bad guy and I just couldn't wrap my head around it, and so I was like, Denzel! How could you?and the radio DJ also said this morning people generally buy a new sofa every 2-3 years and I couldn't believe it! Really? Is he kidding? We got ours in 1993 when we bought the old Ottawa house and we still have it, minus the ones we lost in the fire in 1996 and I had a thought as well: since I was born in January, at the beginning of a year I also wonder if I'll die in December,at the end of a year, and I activated my new credit card,too, and yesterday I made my first purchase on it( more weed) so I know it works ok.

I also heard a cool idea to get rid of smells in the car as well as foggy windows: put cat litter in a sock,tie it up, and toss it under a seat so that's what I did (so I'll see how it works) but the problem is that you can't just get a small amount of cat litter;(and that stuff's not cheap,either!) everything comes in these huge boxes,and awful,too: a lost 11 YR old girl(she accidently got on the wrong streetcar; I've done that as a kid,too) went to the Riverdale library in Toronto( the same one I always went to as a kid and teen) and asked to use their phone to call her mother and they wouldn't let her, saying it was "for employees only" and told her to use a payphone outside except she didn't know how to use it! WTF? That's just so mean!! She also asked people going by if she could use their cell phones but no one would let her.

People just suck!!

Biden also pardoned his son( after saying before that he wouldn't!) for his gun, drugs, and taxes convictions(not to mention the porn and hookers) which could have given him a 40 year-plus prison term and he's just as corrupt as Trump, evading his convictions which will also be tossed out once he takes office, and I hate it that the law doesn't apply to the Elites, and I asked my mother too what happens if they don't obey the lockdowns and isolation at the LTC; do they tie them down to their beds or what and she said they put ankle monitoring "bracelets" on them like they do with prisoners,and now I listen to the Toronto Christmas radio station that plays all Christmas music(until 1 Jan.) and I have fun re-making them as parodies such as Jingle Balls, Hairy Balls, White Trash Christmas, I'll Be Stoned For Christmas,Police Nabbed My Dad, Rudolph The F*cked-Up Reindeer, It's Beginning To Cost Alot Like Christmas, Jingle Bell Cock, Have Yourself A Hairy Little Christmas,Frosty The Con Man, etc. and I still remember too when I was 20 or so  sitting at the table doing 50 or so Christmas cards but now I don't do any; most of the people have all died now and the few that are left I just e-mail cards now and from age 9 I'd also put up the tree by myself after school so that when my mother came home from work she'd have a nice treat seeing the tree. Tomorrow we're also supposed get our first real snow, 10-20 cm and blowing snow as well so it will also feel "Christmas-y" as well.

You always have to be one step ahead of them.