Daily Pondering.

 

My SHITuation.

Today is now day 4 of my dire SHITuation and later yesterday afternoon I finally did a small tiny bit of diarrhrea that squirted out, but nowhere near what it should have been after 3 days of bad constipation and 4 laxatives, and I still feel all plugged-up and full and like I have to go so I know that there's still lots more in there, and it was almost as if it has just seeped out from around a blockage and this morning I did a small Tootsie Roll size log and that's it but the abdomenal pain is still sooooo really bad with the worst on the right side and I even wondered for awhile there if it might even be my appendix, which can sometimes mimic bad constipation but then decided against it as I don't have a fever. but the pain is soooo bad I had to smoke weed twice both yesterday and the day before and it just took the "edge" off! Yesterday I also had that "restless" feeling I get too before I have a seizure but I didn't have one that I'm aware of although I generally have them at night during my sleep and Buddy also kept whining and licking my legs as well, as if he could sense something was wrong and he was trying to comfort me or heal me, like how when dogs hurt they lick the sore spot and I also saw a raven yesterday too and wondered if it might be a harbinger, a sign, that I'm dying soon...

My mother also said she still remembers when I was 4-5 years old and my cousin(who was a few years older) who was more like my brother had this Black friend who used to ride me home from school on the handle-bars of his bike and one day I said to her, I love Bradley and I want to marry him except I'm the 'wrong' colour. She thought it was just the "sweetest" thing and how I thought that it was me  that was the "wrong" colour, not him, but I think it's just sad, sad that because even at such a young age I had been somehow "conditioned"by society to think that people of different races couldn't marry, which I now know NOT to be true, and I have been socially aware and a political activist for as long as I can remember and can remember first being "woke" from about age 12 or 13, when I became aware of the Irish hunger strikes and in grade 7 wood shop class making my project that of a Mohawk Indian in solidarity of Native People who had been mistreated.Speaking of which, yet another Residential School, this time near Regina, unearhted over 700 mass graves of Native children, and they estimate nationally that there could be over 6000, and it's like Canada's Holocaust and the way I want to "celebrate" Canada Day this year is by burning the flag!

I saw the season finale of The Blacklist as well and Liz was shot and killed! I can't believe it, but I guess the rumour my hubby heard about her not returning for next season was right afterall, that's so sad though even though it's just a TV show and I have to keep reminding myself of that, and I saw a question posted online too What would you rather be known for: your good looks, intelligence, or good luck? and I don't have any, and the Powers That Be  are letting hair salons and other businesses now open 2 days earlier than expected from the lockdowns,too; wow....a whole 2 days early! Our overlords are just soooooo "good" to us! We should bow down and gives thanks, praise and adoration to our Supreme Leader for his kindness, benevolence and genorosity! What I expect though to soon follow is they'll say some "new variant" that is resistant to the vaccine has emerged, "forcing" us into another 3 month lockdown......I bet.....just you wait and see.....that seems to be the pattern, and once they take your freedom away they don't give it back; it's like losing your virginity; once it's gone, it's gone. I was also thinking despite how shitty my life has been with all the traumas, bad luck, misfortune, unhappiness,hardships, etc. there was some happy times,too, such as a happy childhood, fun times with relatives, pets,and friends, summers, being at the cottage and camp, travelling the world and seeing all the amazing things I've seen such as the pyramids, the ancient ruins of Pompeii, etc. so I guess it wasn't a complete and total bust...

It seems everything I do is either wrong or not enough. I'm sorry that I'm such a burden.

 

Thought For Today.

 

The New Towels.

Exciting news!(well, for us anyway) we got new bath towels!(pictured here) We got 5 new ones in various colours( my faves are the purple and the orange) after years of sad-looking pathetic worn-out old ones(pictured below) all shabby, ratty with holes in and so thin you can see your hand from the other side and no absorbancy anymore the new ones were soooo welcomed! They're really nice too they feel almost like a luxury; nice and thick and soft and have nice "treads" on them too to soak up the water and towel you off nicely and so snuggly cozy and warm; I wrapped myself up in one and it was just heavenly and it felt like after surgery or after you have a baby and they put a nice pre-warmed blanket on top of you at the hospital and it just feels soooooo goooood and you snuggle in and it's just the best cozy warm comfort-y feeling ever. It had been so long I had actually forgotten what nice proper towels were supposed to feel like. I was so used to having crap, so "conditioned" to everything just being falling apart,being broken, worn out, etc. it's just become the "norm" but at least we do use things right to the very end, until they literally are falling apart.

After 2 days of baaaad constipation and pain in my abdomen and back as well as white-hot pain in my right side so bad it makes me gasp and takes my breath away(and feeling like I'm going to throw up as well) and 4 laxatives this morning I *FINALLY* did a bit  of shit but still only a small thin "Tootsie Roll" size log, not what it should be considering and up until now it was only a couple of rock-hard butt-nuggets and now my ribs and abdomenal muscles hurt too from all the hard pushing straining and effort trying to go and the hemmoroid is back again,too,, and it does make me wonder though if there might be some sort of twisting in my colon (esp. given that I do have IBS and Divurticulitis) or even an obstruction of the bowel, perhaps from a tunour or adhesions, like bands of old scar tissue from previous surgeries perhaps? Why didn't the laxatives work otherwise and what's causing it in the first place? It seems like some sort of blockage causing a "log-jam" in there and all the shit's backed-up and it's trapped and can't get out....??? I feel the need to go and I feel "full" but when I push nothing comes out and all that effort and no results is frustrating!Maybe I need an enema? I'm literally full of shit!!

Yesterday my hubby also offered Buddy some of his gross homemade food I call Swill (because it's only fit for pigs) but he sniffed it, turned up his nose and walked away! Even he wouldn't eat it and he licks his ass, so it's even worse than ass(HA!) and I hope that none of my kids are stupid enough into getting the vaccine either; they're all 18 and older except for the youngest who is 14 and I won't allow him to get it as I don't want them to risk getting sterile, blood-clots, myocarditis, DNA altered,etc. or even dying; it's just not worth it, and I saw on Twitter too a guy posted about Canada : If I have to flee on a home-made raft I will; I will literally risk my life if I have to to get the f*ck out of this shithole!!!! It could have been written by me! That guy is my Brother From Another Mother, and last night the 14 YR old was supposed to put out the garbage and recycling for pick-up today too(it's his job).....but this morning I saw only recycling out there and my mother excused him(as always) that there "wasn't 'enough' garbage to put out" only half cans" and not enough for a full one....so I told her all he had to do was pour one half-filled can into the other and make one full can, and put it out, it's not rocket science, so now I'll have to wake him up this morning to do it before pick up......but oh, no......there's no way she'll have me wake up her Precious Prince early and to -gasp!- do work- so this morning she got up and did it herself, just like she always does, just so that he doesn't have to do any work, pampering him like always(and then complains she has "too much work" but does it to herself.)She always "swoops" in and takes over too, inserting herself and picks up the slack (as she puts it) when she doesn't like how I do things or doesn't agree or thinks I've failed in some way and "cleans up" my "mess", etc.She calls it "helping" when it's really interfering, over-stepping boundaries and taking over, and she thinks she's a "martyr" too and acts like she's some sort of super hero or something, always having to jump in and save the day. She really is something and always makes me feel like I've never been good enough.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.- Mark Twain

 

Wordless Wednesday.

 

Laff For The Day.

 

I *TOLD* You SO!!

Now there is more news about how dangerous the vaccines really are( just as I had suspected all along) now they said that over 4000 women and girls in the UK have had menstrual irregularities due to the vaccine(I always suspected it was for population control;sterilization) and in just a week  4 British Airways pilots and some Air India pilots died from blood clots(even more increased risk with air pressure flying and long-haul flights) after being vaccinated as well and several teen boys have too from myocarditis, an infection of the lining of the heart, due to vaccine side-effects, which is now being seen more commonly in kids and teens, particularily teen boys, now so the World Health Organization has even put out a suggestion that it NOT be used on kids and teens,but, of course, you'll have a hard time finding any mention of it in any mainstream media, and,in fact, whenever anyone posts about it on Facebook,for example, it gets deleted. They really DON'T want us to know the truth! Just keep in mind though that whenever the gov't tells you that something is "good" for you that it probably isn't, and never believe when they tell you We're from the gov't and we're here to help you plus you also have to question the agenda of something that they push so aggressively as well.

NOT!!!!

Yesterday and today my pain is also reaaaaly bad, abdomenal( plus I'm also really constipated,too) and back and every joint and bone hurts so much too I can hardly even move and I didn't think Rheumatoid Arthritis was supposed to hurt this much and be this immobilizing either; I just thought it was stiffness, so I wonder if maybe there's also more to it as well; like maybe I have Lyme Disease or bone cancer or something causing the extreme pain in my joints and bone as well and NOT just the RA? This morning I also tripped going down the stairs but luckliy I was able to still "catch" myself before I fell all the way down the stairs completely but my balance and co-ordination is getting even worse lately I notice as well and I need a complete overhaul and all new parts, like the Bionic Woman from that TV show I used to watch as a kid in the 70's.

The 14 YR old is also now officially the tallest in the family, even taller than the oldest and my hubby who are both over 6 feet tall and he still has 4 more years left of growing to do,too, until he's 18, so I wouldn't be surprised if by then he ends up over 7 feet tall....and he had his track& field event back yesterday finally and the 26 YR old has his Dungeons&Dragons back again as well but still has to do his Jiu-jitsu "underground", and having the video chat the other day with the 20 YR old in Vancouver I could see some of the second-oldest's landscape paintings too and they were really good; she's a good artist and I was also shocked to see they hardly have any furniture either but at least the good thing is they don't have to worry about getting robbed! Buddy also finally did see his Bitches yesterday too(and the guy even waved to me) so I guess they weren't "avoiding" us but maybe for that week they didn't come by our way one of the dogs was in "heat" or something and he just didn't want her near my horny old guy? Either way I feel better now.I didn't want Buddy to lose out on seeing his friends because of me.

I just want to be free.