Ferris Bueller.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off is my all-time fave movie. It was made in 1986 when I was 19. At first I thought it sounded stupid, about a kid that skipped school for a day with his friends but then one day the weather was shitty and I was bored and stuck indoors with nothing to do so I decided to watch it.....and it was the funniest thing ever and I just loved it! it was one of those 80's John Hughes teen movies. Yesterday I was like Ferris Bueller: I took the day off: I felt really shitty; I hadn't gotten to sleep until past 1 am (I was tired but couldn't sleep and the same thing happened last night too; I couldn't get to sleep until 2 am and today I'm so tired I feel sick)slept in an hour late and was running late all day, and I was dizzy all day and wiped-out tired and my depth perception was off; every time I looked down it looked really steep and hard to navigatre and walk, kind of like when you're really trippin' and my back and abdomenal pain was really bad and I napped for 2 hours and just felt so ....washed up....so I never made it to church, I could barely even have the energy to stand up. All I wanted to do was sleep all day I just felt so "woozy" and out of it. I didn't have a fun-filled exciting adventerous day like Ferris did though; I felt like I was fading away I assume is most likely due to my failing liver and kidneys. I wonder which one will "get" me first?

I also hit the bong to ease the pain and I learned something too: try never to cough into the bong as it causes the weed to get forced up and expelled out, and with such force it literally shoots out and it landed in the snow, all cold and wet and unable to be re-lit again. It was just tragic, and yes, we did get all that snow forecasted, and lots of it, deep and heavy and thick packing snow, and it's been over 24 hours and it's still snowing and all the school buses got cancelled today,too.I also went into the 25 YR old's room as he wanted me to watch a video he created and while I was there I happened to see my Christmas present he made for me: a little 3D hippo he made on his 3D printer and it was the most incredible amazing thing ever and I gushed over it, Oh, -----(his name)it's beautiful! I just love it and it's so shiny! I already know what my fave. gift is going to be this Christmas! That thing is awesome and esp. since it was hand-made with love, time  and dedication that it took and was put into it.

These are also the funky shoes my friend P in Australia got and I love them and they are just perfect for me and I'm hoping maybe I can get them (if they have a website and send world-wide) for my birthday. P is even older than I am too; she's in her 60's and is a multi- grandma!You're never too "old" to be funky and to have your own unique style. Who says you have to start dressing like an old lady once you reach a certain age? Pfffft! F*ck it! I know I never will and I hopefully will be buried wearing my Converse Chuck Taylor hi-tops. My mother also shocked me by saying I just make the mess, I don't clean! and her and I used to be quite close too,until my early 20's, until my hubby came into the picture(and I had kids) and then the two of them formed an alliance and ganged up on me and she's always taken his 'side" since then, agreed with him, backed him up, and vetoed me, over-ruled me, undermined me, and rendered me powerless, and with no "say", no voice, no authority, and no control over my own life. It's really sad too to realize that in my own home, in my own family I don't have an ally, except for my devoted, beloved dog.

Last night watching the news on TV my hubby also blasted the stupid redneck sports loud(I'm sure just to annoy me as he knows I hate it) so I listened to my music with the headphones to block it out but I could still hear it over my music(which I already had turned up to the highest volume) it was so loud so I had to keep telling him to turn it down.....and then him and my mother kept yelling at me to shut up and stop talking even though I was only talking to tell him to turn the volume down and I said he either turns it down or else I'm going to turn it off! They're always belitting and yelling at me for talking too much too and telling me to shut up but it's either an Asperger's or a Bipolar thing, in any case I can't help it and it's just the way I am and I don't know how to be anything else or anyone else even though I wish I could because everyone always hates me for being who I am.

Thought For The Day.

Our Tree And My Crushed Heart.

Here is our Christmas tree, all fixed up and after I decorated it.Christmas trees always remind me of my childhood. I took off the ghastly tacky lights and put on the decent ones, you know, the ones that actually look like traditional Christmas lights. It took me about an hour and just wiped me out exhausted and put my back out. Since I decorated it I expect the kids to take it down; I'm not doing everything.I stuck with a mostly silver, gold and red theme and my hubby bought these ugly green ornaments too but I never put them on and I mean, who the f*ck puts green ornaments on a green tree? it's like Where's Waldo? They'd be so camoflauged(I don't know how the hell to spell that word but you know what I mean, when soldiers blend in with the terrain)in there you wouldn't even see them anyway, plus these things were ugly, I mean really ugly. So, we ended up having a tree afterall. It's also December and the beginning of Advent which I always like as the church is all decked out in purple(like during Lent,too) my fave. colour and I also noticed my Advent calender half of the little windows have no numbers on them for the days either so it'll be a guessing game for half the month I guess and why do I always end up with all the defective stuff,anyway? I seriously  have the worst luck ever and must be jinxed!

I also, after smoking weed to ease my abdomenal and back pain, ate an entire Christmas stollen, like the one pictured here:

 a couple of days ago even though my mother said we were saving it for December, except.....yeah,well, I had The Munchies really bad and it just kept calling out to me eat me....eat me...eat me... and I couldn't resist(and also a piece of the chocolate cake we had saved for Sunday dessert today,too) and before I knew it I had scarfed down the entire thing and then last night she goes, Have you seen the stollen?I can't find it..... and I told her sheepishly, Uh....you're not going to find it.....someone ate it....buuurrrpppp....

I was also hit with shocking news I didn't see coming and was like a hard kick in the gut: the 16 YR old told me that after Christmas when her sisters go back to BC she'll be going back with them and at first I was all happy for her like, Oh, that's nice, you'll have a nice trip!When will you be coming back?.....and then she said she isn't; that she's moving out and staying there; that the oldest ( 29) got flooded out and has to move and the 18 YR old's lease expires so the 3 of them are getting a place together( 2600$ a month for an apartment; can you believe it? That's just as bad as Toronto!) and it felt like all the air in the room had just been sucked out and I was just gutted. I thought we had at least another year with her; that she wasn't moving out until she was 18 like the others did and it really hit me hard and I don't know how to process this. I'm just shattered and worried as well; the second-oldest said she'd monitor her and make sure she eats and does her schoolwork but I worry; she's still a minor and not old enough to be moving out on her own yet and should be at home still with her parents' supervision and when my hubby taunted me there's nothing I can do to stop her I told him actually there is; since she's a minor under 18 and I'm her parent and legal guardian I can go to court and stop her; I'm not going to but I could.

This really concerns and worries me. It also breaks my heart as I didn't see it coming, wasn't expecting it, and am not ready for it. She's always been one of my faves. and the one I used to be closest to ( I still am even though she pushed me away years ago I never stopped loving her) and I'm not ready to let her go yet and I worry how she'll manage, being that she's so "fragile." I also hope it's NOT because she thinks it's so horrible here but rather just because she misses the 18 YR old so much, esp. as they're so close they're BFF's and like twins; they're inseparable and they need eachother to survive practically, it's like Buddy and I, they depend on eachother and are like 2 halves of a whole, and I get that, and if that's what she needs to be OK, to be happy, to be healthy emotionally, then she has my blessing, but it still worries me her living so far away without parental supervision, esp. given her past with self-harm, suicide attempts, and eating disorders.This just really tears me up inside plus I'm going to miss her like crazy and I know her leaving home will be the hardest on me of all the kids.

My mother also went to a fancy salon and got her hair cut and she said it was really swank and they served coffee(like that salon in L.A I used to go to back in the 80's) and it cost 50$ which shocked me as she usually goes to First Choice for just 20$ and wouldn't pay that much.....oh,shit....at least now she can't say anything anymore about when I pay 50$ to get my nails done once a year or so! I see this lady every morning too walking when I take Buddy out to pee around 7 am and she always has these colourful amusing leggings she wears as pants different ones every day and it's interesting to see which ones she's going to have each day, anything from a snowman pattern to Christmas trees, to dogs, stars, flowers, etc. My hubby and the kids were playing a card game as well and it reminded me of myself in highschool (and the kids don't know about this as far as I know, another one of my secrets) how I used to gamble with the Chinese boys during lunch; we'd play dice and 3 Card Monte, etc. and how the teachers would always come out and shout at us Stop gambling! and we'd put the stuff away and when they'd leave we'd just laugh and bring it out again and I made some $$$$ too and was even a bookie at one point.....those were the days ha ha......now I don't even gamble at all.....I won't even buy lottery tickets. I trust in and  prefer God provides for me rather than rely on luck or chance.

Daily Pondering.

Retarded Tree.

The other night the 16 YR old decided to assemble the Christmas tree as she said she has most of her Christmas gifts now and has no place to put them, so....she put the tree up and it somehow ended up looking like this: a giant mutated Charlie Brown tree and she couldn't figure out why and why part of it didn't quite fit right and she had to struggle and fight to get it in but she eventually did....and when I got a closer look at it I could see why: it was 2 different trees she was unaware of she accidently put together; a hybrid! if you look closely you can see: the bottom part the branches are a different shade of green as well as a different texture, making it looked warped and retarded but at least she tried and we got a much taller tree than usual; it reaches our 10 foot ceiling this year. In any case after everyone got a good laugh my hubby fixed it taking out the extra piece and the 16 YR old said she wondered why when she took the pieces out of the bag there were 4 of them instead of 3....Look! It comes with an extra piece!

Then of course we plugged in the lights and they didn't work, just our luck, it figures, so my hubby(without checking first) goes out and buys the most tacky, cheap, hideous lights ever, seen here. It's like a donut or crown you put at the top and the lights all drape down the tree like tentacles and when lit up it's not soooo bad but it looks really really cheap, like ping-pong balls or turtle eggs, and I bet he got it at the Dollar Store or something and it's likely some cheap-ass product from China that doesn't even pass safety standards and is likely a fire hazard. It's just soooo ugly I want to torch the tree every time I see it.

There's no way.

Here are the ugly things up close and the 25 YR old agrees with me that they look stupid. I took them off. No way is he going to bastardize our tree like that.Not happening.

Since no one is going to decorate the tree I told my hubby as long as he brings up the boxes of decorations from the basement and carries them upstairs I'll decorate since I'm still recovering from surgery and  I can't carry and lift as last week when I brought a box of decorations up I felt something pop in my abdomen and think I split my incision inside but I'll try and see what I can do just not put up as many as I normally would.....but he came back saying the mice had chewed thru them and ruined them all, seen in the photo here, so he ended up having to go out and buy more decorations and lights yesterday so I can't decorate it until today. I hate those damn mice; they always come in over the winter and they're such a menace they ruin everything; they even ate thru one of my shoes and ruined it but that's one of hazards of living out in the country. We're also supposed to get a snowstorm tomorrow (10-15 cm) but I actually like snow in December though as it doesn't feel like the Christmas season without it.

Today's Truth.

For me: happiness, beauty, and love.

Eye Trouble.

Good news! The 12 YR old's app't with the eye doctor went well! She said the ultrasound showed that the "bump" on the nerve at the back of his eye was just a harmless mutation; normal for him but not of any concern. Originally they had been concerned it might have indicated intra-cranial pressure although he never presented any symptoms indicating it such as headaches, vomiting or seizures. Thank God! I didn't even know that's what they were thinking or looking for; I thought it was some sort of eye trouble they were possibly detecting like a tumour, glaucoma, cataracts( esp. since it runs in our family; both my mother and Babushka had surgery for them and both my hubby and I were told we're developing them and will need surgery within 10 years to remove) or something along those lines; I had no idea they were even thinking along the lines of fluid pressure in the brain from CSF, swelling, bleeding, etc. which, of course, is much more serious, but thank God he's OK. There's always something, and always something to cause me great anxiety and worry.

I also got this "revelation" that due to my declining kidney function(every time I get blood work done every 6 months or so it shows continual kidney decline) I'm dehydrated, and that's why I'm so constipated and having trouble shitting and also why my eyes and skin is so dry and I hardly pee and it stinks like cat piss....hmmm....could be....I also read about the funniest thing the other day,too: a sweet-looking old lady in surgery and shocked the doctors when they discovered she had obscene tattoos on her boobs and ladybits with arrows on them saying Lick this  Suck this F*ck this . I just about died laughing. It has got to be one of the funniest things I've ever heard about. The 16 YR old also said something along the lines of None of us have to worry about a hitman ever coming for us and I replied, Well, I might.... but I'm not sure if she heard me or not because she never responded.

All of the kids are also coming up for Christmas except for the oldest and we'll be having at least 15 people here (we had to go out and buy more dishes!) incl. 2 of the kids' old friends from when they were teens, and we still don't know yet if my brother-in-law is coming or not and I'm sad the oldest won't be here and my heart is sad as I long to see him and I really miss him and haven't seen him in years. That would be the best Christmas gift for me actually; to see him; he's always been one of my faves.