Truth For Today.

The Cultural Divide.

I remember reading somewhere that younger kids are not racist or discriminatory and that they'll play with everybody and that the "cultural divide" doesn't generally begin until the teen years, until highschool and then people generally start hanging out with people of their own social status and race. In my case that ended up only being partly true; with the status part but not race. In highschool, for example, 95% of my friends were Chinese and the other 5% were Greek, Indian, or Armenian....but social status we were all the same; well-off or even rich. At that point I had learned and been conditioned by my life experiences to no longer associate with "white trash" and rednecks due to past expeiences with them being tough, bullies, mean,violent, etc. When I was younger even though I was well-off I still had some friends that weren't; I had friends that were poor and even some typical white trash who had alcoholic parents on welfare and lived in gov't housing. My best friend T in grade 5 for example and her hair and clothes were often dirty and she smelled and was bullied for having lice but that didn't matter to me because she was my friend and when she moved away I was really sad, and J in grade 5 was really poor and her brothers were even in a gang and she always threatened to beat me up, and my friend N in grade 6 was the same, as was N in grade 7 and as it turned out she was also a victim of incest too and she was mocked in school and no one liked her and I was her only friend, and,in fact, that's why I approached her and became her friend because she was all alone, and my friends T, J, and S in Jr. High were also rednecks and S even beat me up. and J tried to steal from me. and my mother was always "after" me for having such "bad influence" friends and later as I got older I realized she was right and we had nothing in common so I stuck with people more like myself and that weren't violent, in trouble and threatening but race was never an issue and my BFF since age 12 is Korean.

As well I checked with my friend in Australia about ordering the funky shoes but she said she got them for only 10$ at a local store in Ipswich so it's not something I could even order online( doesn't it figure?Just my luck) and when I asked my mother why she's never on my side or has my back she snickered Because you're always wrong! Can you believe  it? I've always figured she hates me because I'm alot like my father who she hates and it probably reminds her even though it's not my fault. I'm loud like he was( although so is she) and opiniated and stand up against unfairness and social injustice,don't take crap from anyone, do my own thing, go against the establishment, won't be controlled, etc. A sad realization as well: none of the kids' baby keepsake Christmas ornaments are left anymore now either to decorate the tree as they were among the decoration that the mice gnawed at and ruined and we've had them for decades and now all I have left of the old decorations is a bit of tinsel I had from even before I met my hubby and it's sad as those were nostalgic; memories you can't replace or get back.

I also ordered more weed yesterday and the oil capsules were half price ( I love Cyber Monday!) but the medical supplier said I only had 10 g left this month( out of my monthly 30 g allowance) somehow even though the month's just begun but that's not enough so I got smart and just divided up my order between 2 different separate places and got the oil from one place and ordered the dried flower from another.If you look hard enough you can almost always find a loophole somewhere, ha ha...I saw as well some disease called Rhabdo-something-or-other where your muscle tissue is basically being consumed and withers away and I wonder if maybe since my back and legs always hurt and are so weak and my legs and arse have shrunk, which may be due to muscle wasting and atrophy....it's worth considering.....all I know is something's going on and lately my lower back is sooooo bad it's like a 7/10 on the pain scale but it might also be my kidneys too based on the location and how "deep" it is into my lower back...

Today's Musing.

Ferris Bueller.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off is my all-time fave movie. It was made in 1986 when I was 19. At first I thought it sounded stupid, about a kid that skipped school for a day with his friends but then one day the weather was shitty and I was bored and stuck indoors with nothing to do so I decided to watch it.....and it was the funniest thing ever and I just loved it! it was one of those 80's John Hughes teen movies. Yesterday I was like Ferris Bueller: I took the day off: I felt really shitty; I hadn't gotten to sleep until past 1 am (I was tired but couldn't sleep and the same thing happened last night too; I couldn't get to sleep until 2 am and today I'm so tired I feel sick)slept in an hour late and was running late all day, and I was dizzy all day and wiped-out tired and my depth perception was off; every time I looked down it looked really steep and hard to navigatre and walk, kind of like when you're really trippin' and my back and abdomenal pain was really bad and I napped for 2 hours and just felt so ....washed up....so I never made it to church, I could barely even have the energy to stand up. All I wanted to do was sleep all day I just felt so "woozy" and out of it. I didn't have a fun-filled exciting adventerous day like Ferris did though; I felt like I was fading away I assume is most likely due to my failing liver and kidneys. I wonder which one will "get" me first?

I also hit the bong to ease the pain and I learned something too: try never to cough into the bong as it causes the weed to get forced up and expelled out, and with such force it literally shoots out and it landed in the snow, all cold and wet and unable to be re-lit again. It was just tragic, and yes, we did get all that snow forecasted, and lots of it, deep and heavy and thick packing snow, and it's been over 24 hours and it's still snowing and all the school buses got cancelled today,too.I also went into the 25 YR old's room as he wanted me to watch a video he created and while I was there I happened to see my Christmas present he made for me: a little 3D hippo he made on his 3D printer and it was the most incredible amazing thing ever and I gushed over it, Oh, -----(his name)it's beautiful! I just love it and it's so shiny! I already know what my fave. gift is going to be this Christmas! That thing is awesome and esp. since it was hand-made with love, time  and dedication that it took and was put into it.

These are also the funky shoes my friend P in Australia got and I love them and they are just perfect for me and I'm hoping maybe I can get them (if they have a website and send world-wide) for my birthday. P is even older than I am too; she's in her 60's and is a multi- grandma!You're never too "old" to be funky and to have your own unique style. Who says you have to start dressing like an old lady once you reach a certain age? Pfffft! F*ck it! I know I never will and I hopefully will be buried wearing my Converse Chuck Taylor hi-tops. My mother also shocked me by saying I just make the mess, I don't clean! and her and I used to be quite close too,until my early 20's, until my hubby came into the picture(and I had kids) and then the two of them formed an alliance and ganged up on me and she's always taken his 'side" since then, agreed with him, backed him up, and vetoed me, over-ruled me, undermined me, and rendered me powerless, and with no "say", no voice, no authority, and no control over my own life. It's really sad too to realize that in my own home, in my own family I don't have an ally, except for my devoted, beloved dog.

Last night watching the news on TV my hubby also blasted the stupid redneck sports loud(I'm sure just to annoy me as he knows I hate it) so I listened to my music with the headphones to block it out but I could still hear it over my music(which I already had turned up to the highest volume) it was so loud so I had to keep telling him to turn it down.....and then him and my mother kept yelling at me to shut up and stop talking even though I was only talking to tell him to turn the volume down and I said he either turns it down or else I'm going to turn it off! They're always belitting and yelling at me for talking too much too and telling me to shut up but it's either an Asperger's or a Bipolar thing, in any case I can't help it and it's just the way I am and I don't know how to be anything else or anyone else even though I wish I could because everyone always hates me for being who I am.

Thought For The Day.

Our Tree And My Crushed Heart.

Here is our Christmas tree, all fixed up and after I decorated it.Christmas trees always remind me of my childhood. I took off the ghastly tacky lights and put on the decent ones, you know, the ones that actually look like traditional Christmas lights. It took me about an hour and just wiped me out exhausted and put my back out. Since I decorated it I expect the kids to take it down; I'm not doing everything.I stuck with a mostly silver, gold and red theme and my hubby bought these ugly green ornaments too but I never put them on and I mean, who the f*ck puts green ornaments on a green tree? it's like Where's Waldo? They'd be so camoflauged(I don't know how the hell to spell that word but you know what I mean, when soldiers blend in with the terrain)in there you wouldn't even see them anyway, plus these things were ugly, I mean really ugly. So, we ended up having a tree afterall. It's also December and the beginning of Advent which I always like as the church is all decked out in purple(like during Lent,too) my fave. colour and I also noticed my Advent calender half of the little windows have no numbers on them for the days either so it'll be a guessing game for half the month I guess and why do I always end up with all the defective stuff,anyway? I seriously  have the worst luck ever and must be jinxed!

I also, after smoking weed to ease my abdomenal and back pain, ate an entire Christmas stollen, like the one pictured here:

 a couple of days ago even though my mother said we were saving it for December, except.....yeah,well, I had The Munchies really bad and it just kept calling out to me eat me....eat me...eat me... and I couldn't resist(and also a piece of the chocolate cake we had saved for Sunday dessert today,too) and before I knew it I had scarfed down the entire thing and then last night she goes, Have you seen the stollen?I can't find it..... and I told her sheepishly, Uh....you're not going to find it.....someone ate it....buuurrrpppp....

I was also hit with shocking news I didn't see coming and was like a hard kick in the gut: the 16 YR old told me that after Christmas when her sisters go back to BC she'll be going back with them and at first I was all happy for her like, Oh, that's nice, you'll have a nice trip!When will you be coming back?.....and then she said she isn't; that she's moving out and staying there; that the oldest ( 29) got flooded out and has to move and the 18 YR old's lease expires so the 3 of them are getting a place together( 2600$ a month for an apartment; can you believe it? That's just as bad as Toronto!) and it felt like all the air in the room had just been sucked out and I was just gutted. I thought we had at least another year with her; that she wasn't moving out until she was 18 like the others did and it really hit me hard and I don't know how to process this. I'm just shattered and worried as well; the second-oldest said she'd monitor her and make sure she eats and does her schoolwork but I worry; she's still a minor and not old enough to be moving out on her own yet and should be at home still with her parents' supervision and when my hubby taunted me there's nothing I can do to stop her I told him actually there is; since she's a minor under 18 and I'm her parent and legal guardian I can go to court and stop her; I'm not going to but I could.

This really concerns and worries me. It also breaks my heart as I didn't see it coming, wasn't expecting it, and am not ready for it. She's always been one of my faves. and the one I used to be closest to ( I still am even though she pushed me away years ago I never stopped loving her) and I'm not ready to let her go yet and I worry how she'll manage, being that she's so "fragile." I also hope it's NOT because she thinks it's so horrible here but rather just because she misses the 18 YR old so much, esp. as they're so close they're BFF's and like twins; they're inseparable and they need eachother to survive practically, it's like Buddy and I, they depend on eachother and are like 2 halves of a whole, and I get that, and if that's what she needs to be OK, to be happy, to be healthy emotionally, then she has my blessing, but it still worries me her living so far away without parental supervision, esp. given her past with self-harm, suicide attempts, and eating disorders.This just really tears me up inside plus I'm going to miss her like crazy and I know her leaving home will be the hardest on me of all the kids.

My mother also went to a fancy salon and got her hair cut and she said it was really swank and they served coffee(like that salon in L.A I used to go to back in the 80's) and it cost 50$ which shocked me as she usually goes to First Choice for just 20$ and wouldn't pay that much.....oh,shit....at least now she can't say anything anymore about when I pay 50$ to get my nails done once a year or so! I see this lady every morning too walking when I take Buddy out to pee around 7 am and she always has these colourful amusing leggings she wears as pants different ones every day and it's interesting to see which ones she's going to have each day, anything from a snowman pattern to Christmas trees, to dogs, stars, flowers, etc. My hubby and the kids were playing a card game as well and it reminded me of myself in highschool (and the kids don't know about this as far as I know, another one of my secrets) how I used to gamble with the Chinese boys during lunch; we'd play dice and 3 Card Monte, etc. and how the teachers would always come out and shout at us Stop gambling! and we'd put the stuff away and when they'd leave we'd just laugh and bring it out again and I made some $$$$ too and was even a bookie at one point.....those were the days ha ha......now I don't even gamble at all.....I won't even buy lottery tickets. I trust in and  prefer God provides for me rather than rely on luck or chance.

Daily Pondering.