Wednesday Thoughts.

The Microwave.

I was originally going to post this tomorrow but I got this sense of urgency for some reason prompting me Write now! Post it right away! and so here I am and here goes( I also have this feeling of impending doom, like something bad is coming and it reminds me of the warning I heard months ago Watch out! Be careful! Something's coming! and makes me wonder if they're somehow connected and what it is?) I also feel sort of "floaty" and "out of it" all day too, sort of like I'm there but not really there; sort of like in body only but the spirit is drifting off and I feel like I'm dying(is it just a panic attack perhaps, I don't know....) but as long as my beloved dog's next to me I won't be alone. Today I also feel almost "ehthereal" (and no, today is not a Weed Day in case you were wondering) like the "veil" between this world and the next is "thinning", and now I'm all of a sudden finally peeing alot once again too like I used to but lately I'd hardly being peeing much but also noticed I'm really puffy with fluid retention too, and my hands are esp. swollen due to my declining kidneys and standing out in the cold fresh air today it made me feel alive again too, something I haven't felt in a long time and it felt really good.It remined me of what happiness used to feel like, what life used to be like, what freedom would feel like, how it would feel to just take off and soar and fly away, and I noticed as well my handwriting has also changed over the years ago and it's gotten harder to control the pen( motor skills again) another symptom of Parkinsons and my gait is unsteady and I walk sort of hunched over and shuffle along slowly, like an old hag...When I die though I want to be beautiful and to feel beautiful, not like now, being so ugly that no one can ever love me or desire me, and living a life devoid of self love, self confidence, self-worth, self-esteem.

As well, I found out my cousin ( in his early 40's) had a heart-attack last week, although he was born with heart issues he's had life-long as well and he also needs a kidney transplant, and my back and muscles and abdomen( I even could feel it throbbing ,churning around and moving in there!) hurt so much I was using the microwave to heat up the heating pad ( plus I also used the pain reliever rub and had an epsom salt bath) and my hubby comes marching in like he owns the place and mad he wants the microwave to do his lunch even though I was there first and it was only for 2 minutes....and then him and my mother ( his toady and ally that always gang up togeter against me) both start yelling at telling me to take my stuff out saying he needs it more, he has a schedule, I can wait....etc.. and I told them MY back is ALSO sore then and I was there first afterall and it won't kill him to wait 2 minutes, and they still keep ripping into me saying I'M selfish and how I can wait etc, like his is more important and mine doesn't matter because for me isn't important and who the f*ck cares because it's just something for me and I don't matter... f*ck it! I'm not letting them dismiss me alike that and push me around and treat me second-class and like I don't matter! I'm tired of always being treated less-than by them, always being dismissed, devalued and demeaned  and I'm not putting up it. I also found out the 20 YR old and her BF are only coming up to visit for days(and before Christmas; on actual Christmas Day itself they'll be at his parents' house even though she should be here, at home, with her family; it's not like they're married( or at least not yet, although I always had a feeling she'd end up with B in the end who's now a pilot) and they'll be staying at motel overnight too saying our house is too "filthy" and be that as it may I bet the real reason is so they can have some privacy so they can do IT., ha, ha.My hubby also gave the 18 YR old a credit card but only for emergencies and he received the bill and there were lots of daily Starbucks purchses on there and he had to explain to her that coffee is NOT an emergency and calculated as well it costs her something like over 1200$ a year on coffee at Starbucks! Holy shit! That's even more than I spend in a year on my medical marijuana!

Daily Musing.

NYC.

The 12 YR old's going to NYC with his Cadets group for a week this upcoming march Break! What a great trip that's going to be! I know I'd sure like to go there, even just for a weekend to shop although I haven't got the $$$$. His passport expires just the month after too so we'll have to renew it. It's funny,too, of all the places I've been to, 37 countries, NYC is one of the places I've never been to, even though that's one of the places that everyone's seem to have gone to and I've been to exotic places such as Morocco, Gibraltar, Malta, Egypt, Greece, Turkey, etc. but not NYC. It just sort of strikes me as kind of odd. I tried my new vibrator last night as well and it was amazing! It's really big, something like 9-10 inches long and it's really soft and flexible and I've never been f*cked like before in my life. Who needs a man when you've got a vibrator like that? Of course though with my luck wouldn't you know it whatever rubber it's made of I think I'm allergic to it though because afterwards for a long while my yoo-hoo was really itchy. I also was woken up by thunder(it stormed!) and it scared me because it was out of context; you don't normally have thunderstorms and expect to hear thunder in December.

I had a nice long soak in the bath with lavender epsom salts( and the scent always reminds me of my childhood for some reason too and every time I open the bag and take a whiff I'm transported to when I'm 4-5 years old again) to ease my sore stiff muscles as well and my back's so sore I also use a heating pad on it and my mother dismisses it as just a back ache even though the pain is 7/10 on the pain scale and I can hardly move and she's an ogress of the highest degree, and the 12 YR old called me stupid too and said he's surprised I even graduated highschool and when I told him I not only did but was on the Honour Roll when I graduated and he smirked, That's hard to believe! and my mother said she hates "Gingers" too, that is, people with red hair ( I LOVE  red hair!) and I told her that's discrimination, and it's just like not liking someone because they're Black or something. My family sucks.

This is also the cool snow hut my brother-in-law D built....except it rained alot and now most of the snow is all gone and it doesn't look or feel like Christmas time anymore(I hope we get more snow again but then in January it can f*ck off again) and his poor igloo has all melted into a puddle. It's really cool though and he makes one every year and even has a little fire going inside to keep warm and then after Christmas he goes off to Hawaii for the winter which sounds like a good idea. I wish I could join him. I absolutely loved  Hawaii; it was one of my fave. places along with Italy and Greece. I also notice it takes me much longer to read now than it used to; my concentration is worse and I "wander" off plus with my blurry vision; it used to, on average, take me 4 hours or so to finish an average-sized book but now it takes me 2 days. It makes me sad too, not only to be losing faculties I once had an enjoyed with great ease but I also love  reading and now it's a struggle to stay on task is heartbreaking. I also have this feeling of impending doom today, like something bad is coming, and my hubby and kids taunt me I'm "addicted" to weed even though I also take my other herbals and meds(such as BP cholestral etc.) to maintain health and deal with medical issues so does that mean that I'm "addicted" to those, too, and how about vitamins? You take those every day so does that make you an "addict"? If so then that must mean I'm also "addicted" to breathing, sleeping, and eating too because I do those every day too and need it to survive and to maintain my health and well-being.

I was also telling my hubby that you shouldn't take things that don't belong to you and then he goes, So, are you saying then that we should give back North America to the people that lived here first; the Indians? and I told him, Yes! That's exactly what I'm saying! It wasn't right to just march in and take their land and commit genocide againt them; it was no different than what Hitler did,really.They were here first; what gives us or anyone the right to take it away and kick them out? In church the other day they also said in a Scripture reading about a fatling and it made me think of Buddy who has really porked-up lately and it made me laugh; we're both fatlings, he and I, and what shocked ,surprised and confounds me is I found out that the Apostle Paul didn't write about Jesus until some 50-70 years after His death and all this time, for all my life actually, I somehow thought or assumed, he had written during His lifetime, and then to find out that he'd never even actually met him or knew  him; it was just a second-hand account; basically what they'd call in court as hearsay and Jesus said I have not come to abolish the law but to fulfill it....yet Paul in his writings cancelled much of the old laws applying to the Jews such as dietary and others....it conflicts....WTF?

Today's Pondering.

The Book.

The other day my hubby finally found the book I was looking for forever, Renia's Diary, a book about a Jewish teen girl living under Nazi occupied Poland during the war and who was shot and killed by the Gestapo shortly after she'd just turned 18. She wrote of the usual teen girl's angst and longing for love and alot of it sounded like my own diaries, how she pined for love and romance and to be loved, saying how she's too ugly for anyone to love her and that she loves so ardently no one will ever love her as much in return but she'd be content with even a bit of fondness and affection. At times she came across as mean too, esp. towards her friends and boyfriend but that could be because she was unhappy and felt conflicted. It also made me wonder if I would have survived in that circumstance, esp. since I've always been a survivor, and I'm not Jewish and clearly look Aryan with my pale skin and blue eyes and I speak German and Russian (and French too) so I might have been able to safely blend in although knowing me I would also have joined the Resistance and underground and hidden Jews and smuggled them to safety so if I got caught that would have been the end for me...

I was engrossed in reading my book as well when my mother asks if the 25 YR old came home from work yet and if I'd seen him but I wasn't paying attention because when I read I'm transported into a whole other world and block everything else out and she got mad  at me and scoffed, You wouldn't  notice anyway!  and I shot back at her, What can you say? YOU didn't notice or know either; YOU asked ME! You really are something! and then in reply she snorts, At least I AM somebody! implying that I'm not; that I'm nobody, nothing.She also accused me of being mean and sarcastic but I told her Look who's talking! My family really does  have a way of making me feel badly about myself. I was extra releived and glad to go to church yesterday too and as soon as I walked thru the doors I felt safe; comfort and protected; it's always been my "santuary" where I can get away from my toxic family and feel peace and serenity.

This is also my fave. skirt: crushed rainbow velvet and it(and Christmas time) reminds me of when I was a kid, probably around 8 or 9, and my babysitter(she was the only nice  sitter I ever had too; all the others beat me up) made this quilt out of the same fabric, rainbow crushed velvet and I thought it was the most beautiful, exquisite thing ever and I wanted it so badly and she was selling it but my mother thought it was tacky and gaudy and refused to get it for me (I think that was the also the only thing I wanted that I never got) and I was so disappointed.....and she was a poor woman as well who I'm sure could have used the $$$, I believe, looking back, also a redneck too but she was a kind, caring wonderful woman and I loved her dearly and I can still remember the homemade macaroni and cheese she'd make me for lunch and how I loved it and she'd give me a paint brush and a bucket of water and let me "paint" her fence...and then, much to my surprise and joy for Christmas she had made me a pillow with the exact same material and I just LOVED it, not just because it was just like the quilt but also because of the thought ,time,and love she'd put into it....just for me. I had that pillow for decades,one of my most prized possessions, sitting on my bed...until I lost it in the fire(which started in my room; I lost everything except for the clothes on my back and the photo albums I was able to grab on the way out) and of everything I lost in the fire I miss that pillow and the sweaters my Babushka knitted for me the most as they are irreplacable and are nostalgic.

I have this Holiday Spice Christmas candle I bought as well but now it's down half-way and I can't light it with my stubby little lighter (I need one of those long lighters like they have in church to light their candles) and I kept burning my thumb every time I tried so I asked the 25 YR old to give it a try and he said Here's how you do it... and turned the glass upside-down and lit it from underneath, ok, sounds easy enough...yeah, right..for him maybe....but when I tried it it didn't work; I still got burned and a bunch of dripping hot wax all came dripping down onto my hand and arm. Holy f*ck! WHY, oh why do I always have such bad luck with everything? As my hubby let me off for church yesterday I was telling him something too on the way out of the car but he just dismissed me in a yeah, yeah, yeah style and abruptly ordered, Get out! and shut the door! and peels away and I felt so dismissed, so inferior, like I'm worthless, nothing, unimportant. I also came across Parkinson's Disease which may explain my symptoms(and I also woke up out of sleep last night flexing my legs and kicking too I don't know is a seizure of a symptom they described) as well, esp. the degenative muscle decline, insomnia, hallucinations, confusion, forgetfulness, brain fog, etc. and it keeps declining until you're immobile and bed-ridden and I'd just end it  before it ever got to that stage if so; that's no life.

Truth For Today.