The Forgotten Princess.

Generally there are 2 times in every girls' life when she feels like a princess: when she's dressed up for her Prom night and for her wedding but I missed out on both. Being ugly and never being asked out or dating I never got to experience Prom and my wedding was a cheap low-cost no-frills affair; in total we spent 250$  and I wore a dark brown pantsuit and looked more like a lesbian CEO than a bride. Originally we had planned a big fancy wedding costing thousand$ but we kept arguing about the guest list; he kept insisting on inviting his alcoholic and drug-addicted family and his ill-behaved nephews and I was certain they would ruin it and I didn't even want alcohol served and we couldn't decide and it was such a hassle and such an expense in the end we just ended up cancelling the whole thing( incl. all the deposits we had already put down for the banquet hall, the limo, DJ, photographer, florist, etc.) and just had the 2 of us with the official and the witnesses and went out to eat after and instead used the $$$$ we had saved up for the wedding to be put aside to be used for baby expenses which we know would be expensive, such as a crib, stroller, high chair, etc. and it seemed like an awful waste spending thousands of $$$ all just for one day anyway when it could go to better use for kids.

I did have the beautiful gown though; it was a lovely silk blush pink (I thought with my pale white skin I'd look too washed away in white) with lace, sequins and pearls on the bodice and down the train and it had puffy sleeves, a long train and a puffy veil( this was the late 80's remember) but I never got to wear it; just try it on at the bridal salon when I went in for fittings and then it just languished in my closet for years, never worn, never having it's Big Day, never getting to shine, just as I never did, and then when we moved the people that packed our stuff from the moving company stole it, along with all my leather jackets and sheepskin coat.

 The story of my life. I never got to shine. Never got to feel like a princess. never got to be glamourous or feel beautiful. Never got my Special Day. Never got my day in the sun. Sometimes I would take my wedding gown out of the closet and put it on and model it in front of the mirror and pretend I was a princess, like I did with my Babushka's fur hats and stoles when I was a kid but it's not the same. I feel like a forgotten princess in life. I never got the Fairytale ending either. The 25 YR old also liked the curry butter sauce I made for the chicken and was surprised when I said I used to cook gourmet food and said he never knew that ( there's alot of things that they don't know about me) but I used to do alot of things from before; before I met my hubby and had kids; I used to play violin, I used to cook gourmet food, I used to do gymnastics, I used to be happy....where did I go?

The 12 YR old is still sick; barfing,coughing, and has red eyes(likely "Pink eye" which he often gets) now too but no longer has the headache and Buddy had blood in his pee 3/5 times yesterday but not today in pee or shit this morning anyway( at least not so far) but still has the swelling and bruising in his groin and nether-regions and I wonder if someone did kick him( and if whoever did I'm going to absolutely kick their ASS!!!) or something( it would have to be either my hubby, the 16 YR old or my mother as the 12 YR old was laid up sick and the 25 YR old was at work), causing injury, as I remember with my cousin when he was cycling and got thrown from his bike and bruised his kidney he was peeing blood, and when I was mentioning how Buddy had blood in his pee and shit the 16 YR old said shouldn't we take him to the hospital and I said we can't afford it; it costs hundreds, if not thousands of dollars and if it's terminal cancer there's nothing they can do anyway,and he is almost 14.....and then she had this horrified look on her face......she thought I was talking about the 12 YR old, not the dog! My mother saw the swelling and blood too so I know this time it's not a delusion and last night the 12 YR old seemed delusional too saying he thought my hubby had been gone a week and didn't know what day it was and thought we were tricking him and thought I was the 16 YR old, likely due to his high fever but I checked his BP and it was normal.

 My sore stiff neck is back and headache and fever again,too. I think I'm also paranoid as well; not now but last week or so I was picking away at a raised scar on my belly thinking I had a microchip implanted in there, perhaps by my hubby or from my past. My mother also always blocks doorways and entranceways and access to the microwave, etc. with her walker and she just stands there with this big dumb look on her face too and doesn't move and then when I ask her to she acts like it's my fault and I'm the one in the way and she thinks because she's old it 'affords" her certain "priviledges" to get away with things and so that even basic courtesies and manners no longer apply to her and when I tell her that just doesn't "fly" somehow I'M "being mean and picking on her." She also admonished me today about my hubby and I always bickering would we ever stop fighting and get along as it stresses HER out and I said not unless he shuts his mouth and she replied Why should he have to shut his mouth? taking his side as always. Just for once  I would like to have her support. She sees the way he treats me. The way he talks down to me. The way he insults, demeans, belittles and is condescending and degrading to me. I would like for once for her to stand up to him, to take my side and tell him Don't you talk to my daughter like that! But nothing. Ever. Just silence. I have no allies in this house except for my dog. My family sucks.

Daily Pondering.

The Pizza.

Look closely. Can you see it? only one side of the pizza has chicken on it. This is what happens when you can't decide on pizza toppings. My mother and I both like mushroom and green pepper as a topping but my hubby also accidently ordered chicken and realized his mistake but I said no leave it on chicken is good but my mother balked and said she didn't want it so this is what we ended up with on our pizza; chicken on only one half. I said why not just get it on the entire thing since we're paying for an additional topping anyway and she can just pick it off like I always have had to do for years when her and my hubby always order the gross pepperoni and bacon pizza that he likes; I always have to pick off the pepperoni and bacon but no, not for her, that's not acceptable, good enough for me, but not for her.

Speaking of pizza, I found out the culprit at long last to Buddy's abdomenal distention and bloody diarrhea: the pepperoni on the pizza he loves so much! It happened again yesterday and my mother saw it this time too so I have a witness so I know it wasn't a delusion and I noticed it happened a day after I gave him the pepperoni and it clicked that it wasn't the first time either and I kniow his colon reacts badly to pork as does mine so I checked if the pizza makes it's pepperoni out of beef or pork and surely enough it's a combination  of both beef and pork so that must be it so no more pepperoni for him, poor guy, because I know how much he loves it but it's the same for me now too, the only way I can enjoy bacon now is the smell. His hernia's so bad now too from all the straining with the diarrhrea it's swollen in his groin and all around his dick and balls,too he's limping, and I apply a frozen ice pack for relief and to ease the swelling and he just lays there on his back, spread -eagle, eyes closed, blissed-out, blessed relief. It pains me to see him hurting like this and then of course there's always that part of me that worries that maybe it really is something more....

The 12 YR old's sick now as well; barfing and a headache so bad he said he felt like he's going to die and so now he knows what my headaches feel like and why I need to smoke weed for relief( so maybe now he won't be so judgemental about it?) and he has a fever and it worried me about the possibility about meningitis( even though he was vaccinated he was a baby; how long does it last?) esp. given my bad headache the past few days and both my hubby and I having stiff sore necks too but he doesn't have a stiff neck and no seizures or rash but the light does hurt his eyes but today he's starting to feel better though and if it was anything like that he'd be getting worse not better, and as for me, my left calf and right ribs are starting to hurt once again , and the 12 YR old's such a genius(he's in highschool and memorized some 35-plus digits of Pi for example) the other day he was saying about Binary numbers  and Base Ten and I of course have no f*cking idea what he's talking about and I told him, I don't speak Nerdish! but at the same time the kid struggles with tying his shoes......it's so weird, it's like he's some kind of idiot-savant or something.

If Trump also gets aquitted from his impeachment trial it goes to show as well that in Real Life sometimes the Bad Guy wins, and my hubby taunted me that the Edmonton Boys love football trying to make me think they're huge rednecks now even though they never showed any inclination of it while they were here and I think he's just saying that to bug me and I don't even know which teams were playing the SuperBowl yesterday or who won and I couldn't care less. I couldn't even name one football team out there. My hubby also left his towel after his shower on the floor in the hallway outside the bathroom door( which he does at times) and I told him it won't get washed that way, hinting he puts it in the washing machine where it belongs but he still left it there so I just did the load of laundry and left it there and he thinks I'm a bitch for not picking it up ( it's called helping out!) and tossing it in for him but I'm not his slave and besides that's enabling him; it's the teaching a man to fish sort of thing; how is he supposed to learn to pick it up and put it where it belongs and do it himself if I just do it for him, and besides, everyone is supposed to pick up after themselves and clean up their own mess. That's not my job. If he wants it washed he knows where it goes.

UPDATE:

I now noticed blood in Buddy's pee too, so it's not just a hernia like I thought and was hoping, and I know I should have listened to him and to my instincts; I knew he was bleeding internally and that it most likely meant cancer but I just didn't want to face it, to believe it. It's weird though as the area is all squishy and NOT a hard solid mass like you'd expect from a tumour and looks bruised too(and the abdomena would also be hard and rigid if bleeding internally too), so unless he got injured somehow, like jumping down off the couch and hit himself on a table leg or someone kicked him or something.....

Today's Larf.

Lonely Boy.

I saw this photo the other day and it reminded me of the 25 YR old. He seems so alone. I worry about him. I really do. He recently had a major blow( and for privacy reasons I'm not going to get into it here; it's his story to tell, not mine) that has to be really hard on him ( and I can tell it is) and the thing is that he keeps it all inside; he's always been so insular and he never says what's going on in his head but I can tell from the outside that he's struggling, that he's hurting, from sleep disturbances, insomnia, to forgetfulness, to just withdrawing, to being so insulated, to thinking he doesn't need anyone but himself, to not really talking about things, not opening up to anyone, not really having any close friends to confide in, to just staying up in his room for the most part on the computer, to not really having any goals in life, it really concerns me he's stuck in a major depression but he either doersn't even realize it or he just won't reach out for help or he just doesn't know how and I'm scared to say I also see signs of mental illness there too and I know he needs help but I'm not sure how to appraoch it, what to say, how to help him, how to reach out; I don't want to upset him even more, or have him think it's just more of my crazy ramblings, or push him even more away or isoltate him further but it really concerns me and I'm really worried about him and how much he isolates himself and all of the outwards signs I see that indicate a much bigger problem.

 He's always been one of my faves. and it just breaks my heart to see him struggling like this and not know what to do and how to help him. I also can't help but think about the money that went missing awhile back and I'm pretty sure my cannabis oil is disappearing alot faster than  what I rationed it for; it should have lasted longer as if someone's been using it other than me and I can't help but wonder if there's some connection( as awful as that sounds) but if he is struggling with say, schizophrenia or some other mental illness or a drug addiction, for example, it would all make sense, and could that maybe be what the warning impressed upon my heart awhile ago be  telling me to watch out and be careful; something's coming?Is he, perhaps, going to have a crisis of some sort?. I'm just so worried and I don't want anything to happen to him and it hurts me to watch him like this and if anything happened to him it would just break my heart but at the same time he's an adult now so it's limited what I can do now and how much intervention I have over him at this point. It's too bad he doesn't read this and see my concern but they don't even know I have this blog; it's a secret. All I can do is let him know that I'm here for him if he needs to talk and hope and pray that he sees something's not right and gets help on his own accord and knows that no matter what I'm always here to support him.

As well, my friend A ( from Ottawa) and his family got back from Taiwan early; last night, instead of staying a few weeks like originally planned; this was just 1-2 weeks or so and my guess is due to the Coronavirus; either worried they'd catch it being Taiwan is so close to China, or else worried they'd close off all flights from Asia and they'd be stuck there and he wouldn't be able to get back home for work. I think it's unnecssary though how they're panicking people though over this needlessly as it never does any good public panic, and it'll be like the SARS outbreak in the early 2000's (I remember when I gave birth to the 16 YR old I had to do it alone; they wouldn't even let fathers in the delivery room; it was insane!) where people wouldn't even go into Chinese restaurants for fear of catching it and it's so stupid and reminds me of back in the 80's people thought you could catch AIDS from sitting on a toilet seat and I even remember my friend R even brought toilet seat covers with her to every public bathroom! It was crazy. People are stupid. Don't they know that a little proper hand washing and hand sanitation go a long way?

Today's Chuckle.

Altered States.

This is the view you get when you leave your body. I did have a better picture to show it but I can't find it and forgot what I called it and I have literally thousands of images saved and have no idea where it is right now so this will have to do. it's the closest I can get. When you leave your body you float upwards and you are looking down below and everything looks curved like in the photo here, with rounded edges and you are looking dowwards from above and everything is rounded and you can clearly see the curvature of the earth, sort of like when you're in a plane and it turns slightly and you can see it out the window. It's a really cool thing actually and  at least in my case anyway I never hover too high, no higher than the tree tops and then I float back down.  Speaking of which, I haven't had any more delusions( at least not that I'm aware of) for the past few days now( although I am still struggling thru the virus; I just can't seem to shake this one) and the only thing that gets rid of the massive headache is smoking weed and a heating pad for the sore stiff neck.

I also noticed as well that before I go into an altered state that I can feel a pusling, throbbing, crackling feeling at the back of my head on the left side and my dog keeps licking me and whimpering, so maybe that's like the "warning?" so now on whenever I feel that I know it's coming and can be prepared, sort of like how some people experience "auras" when they get migraines ( although I never have with mine; they just suddenly hit- wham!- no warning) and it's like with seizures, before one comes Buddy gets all agitated as if he can sense some change and he alerts me even though I can't tell until it comes or even after it's occurred but this new alert warning about the delusions will at least let me know when it's coming so I won't believe what I see, hear, feel, think, or experience and will at least know that it's not real but just an illusion and my mind playing tricks on me. I still do wonder about the meningitis possibility though as I saw a meningitis rash and it did look suspisciously like the red rash things I had on my face the other day on the one side and I'm just so deblilitatingly tired I pretty much just slept all day yesterday and still all I want to do all the time is sleep and I'm feeling queasy at times now too which I wasn't before and it's really taking a beating out of me, more than I normally get from a virus and my perception is altered too, like walking it seems steep, as if I'm going down stairs even on a flat surface and I often feel chilled and shiver... it may also just be my failing kidneys too esp. with the high BP and fluid retention, and it would also explain the confusion/brain fog/ delirium, sleepiness, lethargy, etc. too. maybe I'm at the end stages now?

 UPDATE:

Look! I finally found the photo I was looking for! I had to go thru and sort over easily over 12 000 images so I hope you appreciate it. This is it! Notice how the image has a curve on the top of it? That's how your view looks when you've left your body and you're just hovering above. My general height is ceiling height or below and this is the vantage point you get from all angles; everything looks rounded, or at least it does for me when I leave my body; I can't speak for other people, maybe their experiences are different. I also think the soul is attached to the physical body by this thin silver thread and it's attached when you just leave your body temporarily, such as during a NDE, or a trauma, or during meditation, or when you're high or in an altered state of some sort but when you die the thread is cut, and the separation is permanant.