My Ass.

I have this really annoying sore, stinging, bleeding thing on my aresehole, a lump and it's either a hemmoroid( the most likely) or some sort of tumour(rectal cancer, perhaps, which is rare, but then again I am often that rare and unusual one-out-of-a-million statistic) but it's right at the end of the hole and it rubs on my pants and irritates and when I wipe after I shit it really hurts and I often find smears of blood on the toilet paper or on my underwear. I can't actually see it because of it's remote hidden location and I can no longer twist and contort like I used to be able to all I can do is try and reach around when I'm sitting in the bathtub and try and feel it but going by feel feeling things always feel bigger than they usually actually are, and I'm too embarrassed to go see my doctor since he's male and it's,well, on my ass and it's not like when I got the colonoscopy a few years ago and they found the polyps; I was asleep during that and it was a speicialist I only saw once and I'll never see them again but this guy I see all the time so it's more personal and embarrassing and I don't want him looking at my ass! So I'm going to put hemmoroid cream on it and see if it provides any relief and resolves on it's own or not and that should give me the answer as to if it's a hemmoroid or not....that's how I'll be able to tell the difference.... the other night I think I might have also had another seizure in my sleep during the night as Buddy had hopped off the bed and was sleeping on a bunch of blankets that had landed onto the floor like he does when I do and I woke up with a massive headache as well and really tired and with every muscle in my body super achy and sore like I do after,too, so.....

Yesterday I kept smelling this acrid burning smell as well on and off llike a fire(and I'll never forget that smell forever ingrained into my mind, and how time just seemed to move in slow motion as we sat stunned and helpless on the neighbour's lawn watching our house burn down all those years ago) both inside and outside yet there was nothing and no one else smelled it so maybe it's a "phantom" smell or I have a sinus infection or something and I think the hallucinations might be back again too as last night I 'saw" a shadown of something scurrying across my bedroom floor at night but when I turned on the light nothing was there and this morning I "saw" the walls "breathing" in and out,too, and normally since we're broke we have to settle for the crappy shit-less frozen pizza but since this is a long holiday weekend yesterday we splurged and actually got to order-in real actual pizza and it felt so luxurious and the other day I watched a movie too and my mother gasped You paid 20$ to watch a movie?  and I had to reassure her that, being both poor and cheap, that I didn't; we just download shit for free, and the guy's also coming to check our leaky kitchen roof and my hubby tried to do my Income Tax(I could never do it; too much math and waaaay too complex for me) my mother normally does but she's not up for it anymore,either, but he gave up on it as he kept asking me all these questions about it I have no idea what he's even talking about so he just got all pissed-off and gave up so I guess it's just not getting done this year then?

Yesterday it was oddly nice and quiet and peaceful as well( the 17 and 26 YR old were both at work) and assumed the 14 YR old was busying himself quietly on his computer as he wasn't around being provoking, goading, annoying and shit-disturbing like he normally does so I was able to have a nice good nap.....but it turned out he was over at his friend's house the entire time! HA! So that was why!  He also taunts me being a free-spirit and rebel too but I happen to like  having my own mind and thinking for myself and NOT mindlessly following the herd like a blind Sheeple, going along with the crowd; I do my own thing and play by my own rules and now with the Third Reich...oops, I meant the Third Wave...sorry, common mistake, with the so-called "pandemic" they're trying to ruin Passover and Easter now too by limiting how many can attend worship services and telling people not to gather in homes to celebrate, etc( yeah, I know, F*CK THAT!!!!!) and it reminds me of how the authorities at the time also intruded upon and ruined JESUS' Passover supper (the Last Supper) and arrested Him as well......something to ponder this Easter, and more people are finally starting to wake up and finally see the tyranny all these lockdowns, stay-at-home-orders, show-me-your-papers, curfews, mandates, etc. really are; an assault on our rights and freedoms and it's just a matter of time now unt they revolt and finally the revolution I've been waiting my entire life for will finally be here!! I found out there was an anti-lockdown protest here in town yesterday actually but I didn't know until later or I would have gone.

I also saw this cooking site on Facebook that asked the question What's your favourite thing you like to bake?  and I couldn't help but answer, Myself! and I saw someone had accidently written Easter as Raster too and it cracked me up as it's a new word: What do you call a Rastaman celebrating Easter? : Raster!  I read as well that a baby hedgehog is called a hoglet and I just thought that was so cute, and I came across this amazing thing online as well but now I have to figure out where to rent a nitrogen tank, and a thought also occured that I have survived 6 suicide attempts so far and if I was a cat I'd have 9 lives so that would mean that I still have 3 lives left...I feel like my story is coming to an end soon,too as my marriage is done, most of the kids have grown up and moved out, both my mother and my dog likely don't have too much longer left to live, and I won't have anything left anymore...

“It’s better to regret something you have done than to regret something you have not done.”

 

Larf For The Day.

 

Re-Post.

 Re-posted from my old blog 3 YRS ago.

Some things never change....

Well Deserved.

Posted on April 24, 2018 Standard Reply

 My mother and the 16 YR old were being mean to me again and the 16 YR old was being even more of a bitchy mean girl than usual. When I asked my mother why her, my hubby,and the kids always gang up on me, blame me for everything, constantly belittle, berate, demean me and put me down, she smirked, It’s well deserved. Can you believe it? What kind of person says something like that? As for why they always blame everything on me she tersely replied, Because everything is always your fault! and she goes on to say that her and my hubby didn’t turn my kids against me but rather YOU did that yourself! Again, everything’s always my fault and I’m to blame for everything. It’s even my fault that they treat me like shit, as if I somehow deserve it, trying to somehow “justify” their cruel bullying treatment of me and then the 16 YR old goes on mouthing off at me being haughty and dismissive, heaping on the insults and being really disrespectful and nasty.

I’m so sick of all their shit. I’m sick of this family and I’m sick of this life.

Then later on the 11 YR old was teasing Buddy, making him bark, and he and I were curled up on the couch, him behind my legs and my eyes were closed, and my hubby came up to him and hurt him somehow, trying to get him to stop barking,and I don’t know exactly what he did, whether he pinched him or yanked up a piece of his skin or what, but he emitted a loud painful yelp like he’d been hurt(I know that sound) so I perked up and I saw he looked just heartbroken that he would do that to him and of course he denied it(he said, I just poked him….maybe I hurt his sore leg…) when I told him not to abuse my dog and he said I was falsely accusing him and he got really mad and was screaming loudly at me in a threatening way, and the 11 YR old said he did do something to him and then he bit him in response( good for him; defend yourself and don’t take any of their shit!) which he also denied, saying if he ever did bite him he’d be out the door and I told him if he ever did that he can kiss all his Spider-Man collectables goodbye as I would burn them all.Torch every single one of them. No one hurts my dog and gets away with it. Not only is he emotionally, mentally,and psychologically abusive to me but now he’s turning physically abusive to my dog as well. I hate the f*cker.

Him and my mother are always threatening me as well if I do or don’t do what they want, say, or like or what they tell me to do, or if I “get out of line” according to them, so to punish me and keep me under control they’ll threaten to open the door and let Buddy loose onto traffic, or to cancel my credit card, or to not fix my computer, or not drive me to my medical appointments, etc. They treat me like I’m one of the kids, making me hate and resent them more and more each day. I have no freedom, say or control over my own life and I feel trapped, like a prisoner or a hostage. My hubby said he was going to Wal-Mart as well and I told him I wanted to go too as I had to get shampoo and calamine lotion( for my sunburn) and he didn’t want me to tag along even though he was already going anyway and hardly even gave me enough time to change my pants as I was wearing pajama bottoms and I’m not going to be one of those People of Wal-Mart that wear their PJ’s, and he was already out the door before I even had my pants on and so I had to hurry and rush out before he drove off without me and I never even had time to put on any shoes so I just grabbed a pair of Crocs and put them on in the car.

I hate and resent always being treated second-class, like an after thought, as if I’m a burden(and they’re always telling me how “annoying” I am) unwanted, an inconvenience, last on the list of priorities, not important, sub-human, inferior, that I “deserve” the bullying and ill treatment I get daily, being blamed for everything all the time, like an outsider in my own family, always being pushed away, treated like a second-class citizen, feeling like a scapegoat and punching bag, being told to leave, reminded how stupid, annoying,and hated I am, being told to go die, etc.

This is not what I signed up for and I want out.I’m done.

Truth For Today.

 

White Fluffy Things.

Yesterday when I had Buddy out for one of his walks I started to see a bunch of white fluffy things start to fall from the sky and at first I thought it must have been my weed and I was imagining and seeing things and my first thought was Cool! What are these white fluffy things falling from the sky? It's like the clouds  have burst and the sky is falling! but as it turned out, it was actually snow, and not just a little bit either, it came down strong, heavy and steady for awhile there, enough to cover everything in a blanket of white until it got sunny awhile later and it all melted away but for awhile there we did have a dusting and this is exactly why I don't put my parka and boots away quite yet and my hubby hasn't got the snow tires taken off the car yet. It wasn't an April Fool's joke,either; it really actually did  snow but it wasn't funny and nobody was laughing. Mother Nature can be so cruel...I also heard a warning on the radio yesterday morning that a herd of cattle were loose so that's how you really and truly know that you live out in the country, and I can remember a few years ago seeing a pig running down our street as I was out on the front veranda and a few minutes later a guy comes running by asking if we saw a pig go by and we said, Actually, yes, we did....that's certainly not something that you see every day, not even around here. I 've also seen foxes and we see raccoons all the time in the summer at night hanging around our pool deck, and the usual squirrels and chipmunks. We must also have a new recycling guy that has OCD as yesterday he put all 5 of our boxes upside-down all neatly stacked beside eachother in a row and not haphazardly just tossed and thrown everywhere like usual, sometimes even onto the road, and my hubby got a new Apple cellphone delivered for work and the protective bubble wrap around it to protect it had all gone flat with the air all squished out of it so it  gave it's life protecting the package!

We ordered in KFC last night as well to feast before our last fasting day today during Lent for Good Friday today( and it's never easy but I did it and I'm proud of me) and my hubby was supposed to pick it up but when he saw the long line-ups he gave up and said forget it and sneered to me since I said I don't need him I can just order it online myself so I did, only proving my point that I don't need him or have to depend on him and the 17 YR old laughed at me as I was ordering on my computer, So, how's it going, Boomer? and it's been over a YR now with the pandemic since I've been to church and it hurts that no one, not even once, has ever even bothered to give me a call or to drop by to see how I'm doing, to see if I'm ok; no one cares, notices I haven't been there or misses me, and I've been going there every Sunday and every Holy Day for 15 years...I like my at-home worship I've been doing lately though and it suits me perfectly; I worship God my own way without having to meet other people's expectations or follow other people's rules and to be able to believe what I truly believe without any conflicts, and now the Big Brother  gov't is issuing more lockdowns and shut downs for 28 more days with the "pandemic" too, with the Sheeple following like mindless lemmings, without question all in a line, following the leader, until they all fall of the cliff, because they don't think for themselves, just in time for Easter,trying to take that away,too, like they did for Christmas, trying to ruin everyone's worship, holidays, traditions and cultures, but the one thing that they can never away from us is our faith!!!! Luckily as well God is everywhere so you can worship anywhere..

I also watched a movie The Father my hubby scoffed was another  one of my Hoity-Toity movies, but I just like movies with substance and I happent o have taste and to be selective and to NOT like the crap like he does that caters to the lowest common denominator such as shoot-'em-up, blow-shit-up, car chases, Super Hero, and utter garbage such as Godzilla, Sharknado, etc. and the 14 YR old asked how I got my dog and I told him, I asked God for a friend and He sent me Buddy , and it's been 14 YRS since my hubby and I did IT and I wonder if he has a mistress as what guy would go that long without  IT but I'm afraid to ask why because if he says he's repulsed by me and he finds me revolting it will just shatter me, esp. since he was the only one who ever was interested in me and now even he rejects me,too,  and I have 3 different types of pre-rolled joints and I put them all together in a container and closed my eyes and randomly picked one and I felt like I was getting a surprise prize and I also ordered more only this time I splurged and got the mango infused ones that I really wanted instead of the cheaper ones I usually get. They cost 4$ more a pack( and I ordered 4 packs) but I'm tired of always having to settle in life. Smoking the sweet blessed herb I can also pulse, vibrate, expand, and fly. I suddenly couldn't smell or taste anything for awhile yesterday too and it lasted for awhile and then it was back plus I also had this terrible awful smell in my nose/sinus later on too so maybe I have a sinus infection or something?

Break on thru to the other side. - The Doors

 

Daily Chuckle.

 

Pass it On!

We free the people with music. -Bob Marley