Pondering For The Day.

 

One Day At A Time.

This morning I soaked in a nice soothing relaxing lavender bath-bomb that turned the water a nice purple. I really, really really  needed that! I phoned my mother in the hospital yesterday(she could barely talk and croaked, moaned and was incoherent) to check up on her and she asked What hospital am I in? and I told her the same one we brought her to and I told her we were going to visit her later in the day when my hubby finished work and she said she didn't want us to but I was never one to do what other people tell me and I have my own mind so my hubby, the 16 YR old and I did,anyway. The 28 YR old wanted to but he was out getting his hair cut and didn't get back in time. She has a private room and was more awake alert and coherent than the day before and even ate a bit but still in bed and has the catheter but they removed the IV and stopped the antibiotics and I saw the doctor who said her bloodwork is looking better so the kidney infection is hopefully clearing up and they'll have Physio coming in to work on her(after laying in bed over a week) .

She also kept complaining of "severe leg pain they're not giving her anything for" and kept insisting they "still haven't cleaned the shit off" her and "only cleaned the top half" which I'm sure they did, esp. since I never smelled anything and it was just so funny our exchange back and forth ( "So, you mean to say they cleaned your top and your pussy but not the shit off your ass?" "Yes, that's right", "You don't think they'd clean it first before  they put the catheter in, so not to introduce bacteria?",  etc)that my hubby, the 16 YR old and I were hysterical with laughter. I also brought her pink carnations, her fave. flowers and the nurse leaned over and whispered to me, She sure is bossy! ( don't I know it!!) and they said she'll be there for at least a few more days and still has to be up and walking and be able to eat more and go to the bathroom on her own before discharge and then she can get Home Care.

This is all just so overwheling and stressful but at least yesterday was better  than the day before and I ask God to get me thru each day. We plan on visiting her again today and I take comfort at least in knowing she's where she needs to be and I know she's being taken care of and I did the right thing and hopefully it will also be motivation for her,too, if she wants to come home to put the effort into eating, getting up and walking, going to the toilet,etc. and hopefully they can treat the depression and give her cognitive tests for Alzheimers while she's there,too, and let her doctor know.

As for me, now my hemmoroid is either bigger or another one has grown next to it (unless it rectal cancer or something else?)and I can hardly shit at all now the hole is blocked; all I can get out are tiny little "pebbles" which can't be good and with all the stress with my mother I'm also not eating or sleeping much but I'm too concerned and worried about her to have any time to worry about myself and it's all I can do to just get thru each day and just take one day at a time.

I have lost the will to live Simply nothing more to give There is nothing more for me Need the end to set me free.-Metallica

 

Saturday Stuff.

She's long gone.

Dead inside though.

Me.

Buddy is the only thing still keeping me alive.

So much laundry.

According to my family,anyway.

I was me, but now he's gone.-Metallica

 

Today's Thought.

 

A Really Hard Day.

Yesterday was a *REALLY* hard day to get thru. I called the Community Care Access for my mother and they advised I call an ambulance to transport her to the hospital for a medical evaluation and then if and when she comes home she can receive home care, so that's what I did but 9-1-1 is half-assed just like everything else here; they out-source it to a call place up North who then transfers the call to a local one here(I could hear them exchanging back and forth) which took 30 minutes  so God forbid you have a real emergency like a heart-attack, GSW, or car accident because you won't make it! My hubby was crying when the paramedics came,too, as if he suddenly was aware of how real the situation was and they seemed judgemental to me about the squalid conditions my mother was in even though the Community Care woman on the phone was so nice and said she knows how hard it is for family to try and be caregivers and that I did the best I could and I did the right thing and that I can do this and encouraged me to be strong. They also said we have a "bedbug infestation" too even though I couldn't see anything.(When I got back I threw out all the linen and mattress) I went with her so she wouldn't be alone and scared but they made me wait 2 HRS out in the waiting room before they let me go back with her(and I had to wear a stupid face-diaper still,too!) and I was there 6 hours until we got the test results.

Just breathe.

She had a ton of bloodwork done( which showed a high white count, indicating infection), chest X-ray(checking for pneumonia) and a pelvic and abdomenal CT scan( the same thing I have to wait 3 months for) which really worried me when they took her off for that; I was really afraid they suspected colon cancer which runs in her family, and I was so scared they were going to find she's terminal, but it turns out she has a kidney infection( which is better than cancer!) which can be caused  by high glucose levels (and today it was 17!) which hopefully is the cause  of all of this; the delusions, the lethargy, etc. and when it clears up she'll be back to her usual self; hopefully it's just a "bump in the road" (and NOT the end of the road)and she'll come home and only need Home Care for a short period...so she's on IV antibiotics now( and on admission she also got a regular IV due to dehydration) and got admitted for 1-2 days as it takes a couple of days anyway to arrange Home Care.It was so sad as well she cried  when I left here there (even though I told her I'd be back for a visit today) and she said to me to tell everyone at home  that she loves them( note she never told me that she loves me) and I told her they know.

Just breathe.

I asked them initially about an hour of waiting in Triage for an update and when I could go back and be with her and they said she was "just being assessed" and it would be about 45 minutes so I bought a bagel and a can of pop from the kiosk( that's the only food they sell, plus muffins) and went outside and sat in their courtyard where they had a lovely garden with iris and peonies, etc. and it was exactly  what I needed to calm and "centre" myself, lost in the raging storm, and I have to be strong one last time; I have to be strong for her, even though I have no resources left to be strong for me and have nothing left to give, and I pray for strength for whatever lies ahead and it was a really hard  day to get thru and I'm right on the edge and feel like I'm hanging off the edge of a cliff by my fingertips and I hope the infection clears up and she'll be ok yet part of me also fears the hospital will call and tell me she's died, and it's all just so overwhelming and stressful I can hardly breathe. I also had a massive headache yesterday and was exhausted physically and mentally.What if the infection turns septic?It worried me seeing how her breathing was heavy and "laboured" and her oxygen level was low( 83%; anything below 98-99% is concerning) and her arms were all "mottled" purple, like when you're dying(or have really bad circulation/low oxygen). and I also found out one of my cousins in Europe her hubby fell off his bike cycling and knocked himself out and has a concussion and is in the hospital for 2 days for observation and I went to go tell my mother....and then realized she wasn't here and it made me feel really sad.

Just breathe.

One day at a time.

Ah that's okay, and I'm alright I guess I'll be lost again For one more night Ooh and that's alright, I'm okay I'll wear the albatross For one more day.-Big Wreck

 

Daily Truth.

 

Alzheimers?

Today it's going to 31 C and breaking a record and tomorrow 32 C and a severe storm and then cooling off a bit to a more seasonal 24 C and I was praying to God for an answer about my mother and the answer came:

She has Alzheimers and depression.

It makes sense! When I look back her forgetfulness makes sense and her loss of spelling and social etiquette(such as twirling her pasta with her fingers and shovelling the food into her mouth with her fingers) and calling me by the 24 YR old's name and mixing up the kids' names and the 28 YR old said she asked him how laser tag was the other day when we sold that business years ago and he also said when one of the kids called long ago she said "Happy Birthday" and it wasn't anyone's birthday and she can't spell words anymore she used to and for the past week she never knows what day it is; confused like that, and her physical decline, starting with tripping and falling down the stairs a few years ago and needing the walker and now just staying in bed and not getting up or doing anything at all and yesterday saying really strange things like when I collected the garbage she said she had "shit saved for me wrapped up in tin foil" to throw out I found odd since where would she get the tin foil from when she's been in bed for a week and when I looked there was nothing there and she insisted it was under the blankets but all these was was her pee and shit soaked blankets and then shortly after she kept insisting there was "garbage under my blankets" when it was really just the smell of her own waste.

My friend J( from grade 8) suggested I call Community Care Access Centre which she said is no cost, kind of like Public Health and they can come to the house and do personal care like bathing and other hygeine and if she's too serious a case they can at least come and assess her and arrange if she has to be transported to the hospital or long-term care home for more treatment but either way she can't just stay here like this, in bed wallowing in her own filth; she'll get pneumonia and she doesn't even want to eat or drink or take her meds and she's not even scanning her glucose anymore,either, so this is the bad thing to happen to us this May, just like there is every May, and I'll give them a call this morning when they open but with my autism and social phobia it also terrifies me to talk on the phone to strangers too and gives me so much anxiety and panic attacks I pray to God for strength and courage (like Moses did with his speech impediment talking to Pharoah)and I don't know how I'm going to DO it or get thru it and I'm so nervous and panic just thinking about it and of course my hubby won't help me by calling them when he talks on the phone all the time for work, and I feel sick to my stomach wracked with nerves and my stomach, abdomen and back are already really bad for days as it is,anyway.

My hubby also had to get new tires for the car costing 800$ and someone online described suicide as "exit ramps" in life, for when you want to exit life early when you need to get back Home early and exit the "stage" of life; you can take an "exit ramp" along the way or agree to be part of an event that ends your journey early. That's what I want to do and keep trying to do but my "exit routes" are either always all closed or detour me another way because I can never get off.

"Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it." - Jacques Prevert