Pupperoni.

I took the decorations off the tree....and just noticed yesterday there was still one  left behind; it was so well hidden  it went unnoticed and blended in so well(shown here)...and then later on in the day I also noticed 2 more of the same ones! HA! Even when I told my hubby and had him look for it he still didn't see it! My hubby also took down some of the outdoor Christmas lights, the ones on the main floor veranda, bushes, etc. but the light-up snowmen have all frozen and are stuck to the ground so we have to wait for them to melt before they can be removed and he also has to do the top floor ones, like on the second floor balcony. 

We also got pizza and I gave my pepperoni( "Pupperoni") to Beja and the 31 YR old also grabbed a piece of my hubby and the youngest's pizza even though I told him it was theirs and not his and to not eat their dinner he still did anyway so I grabbed it off him and moved it away....and then just a short while later when I returned from the bathroom he was eating another piece(I don't know who he thinks he is he can just help himself to other people's stuff!).....and then this morning I also noticed he had also eaten half of MY pizza I also had saved in the fridge(in a bag with MY NAME clearly written on the bag that  during the night had mysteriously been switched into a new bag and re-named Pizza) leaving me with no dinner for 2 days!

I'm *FURIOUS*!!!!

God, I’m so fucking done with life. I wish I could donate my life to someone who actually deserves it. Wants it. I can’t carry this anymore. It feels like my brain is gonna implode.-idk

I'm just sooooo sick and tired of the disrespect, and disregard, of him being so entitled he just takes whatever he wants,  and then when I barged into his room this morning yelling, You bastard! You ate my pizza! Now I don't have any dinner for 2 days! What the f*ck?  of course he denied it and tried to blame the 18 YR old (like he always does) even though he has his own pizza,  and it's always the 31 YR old that steals stuff, and my hubby just shrugs it off like he always does, not caring because it's just me, but thank God I only have one more day( today) to get thru and then he FINALLY MOVES OUT!!!

Honestly, I can't wait.

I'm just sooo sick of his shit.

He's been here 31 YRS and it's time he moves out, not to mention stealing everyone's food all the time and now even my dog,too.

and I DON'T ever want him to ever come back, either!

I've had enough!

This is also how the hallway looks like every day for the past 2 weeks as the youngest is cleaning his room(which is a good thing he's cleaning though) and I honestly don't know where all this junk and crap is even coming from (or if there's even anything left in his room now) and in total there's been dozens of big garbage bags full of his crap, incl. one that was leaking and oozing some kind of liquid  on the floor. Yeeeeeeccchhhh! I also have no idea how he even got 2 window A/Cs in his room! The 31 YR old also got a fortune cookie in the Chinese food that was empty; it was a dud and didn't even have a fortune in it, ha,ha, and I kept hearing loud banging and knocking noises upstairs last night and it drove poor Beja crazy barking and it turned out to be my hubby putting more flooring down on the second floor.

I also came across this photo of Buddy from 3 years ago and for the first time since he died 9 months ago it actually made me smile instead of cry but I still miss him more than anything and long to be on the Other Side with him and no one ever loved me like he did . He was the best friend I ever had and my only reason for living. Tomorrow is also my birthday and I'm a 1967 Classic, and am old, born in the 1900's, ha,ha, and it will just be like any other regular day,though, and my hubby doesn't even get me a cake so I'll just order a slice of the decadent chocolate/peanut butter cheesecake for my birthday cake from the Italian place I'm getting my dinner from.  Asshole Trump also now officially invaded deep into Venezuela and even kidnapped the President and his wife!

Of course this violates international law.

USA are war mongers, like always, and after the oil, just like in Iraq.

This is an act of war.

I can't believe it!

He's gone tooooo far this time!!!!!

Yeah, I am on the rock And then I check a stock I had to run like a fugitive To save the life I live.-Bob Marley

 

Weekend Words.

I did!

We keep him in our memories, we still will find a forgotten picture or item left by him occasionally that reopens the wound in our hearts.-Donna

I have never known love, a lover, family, etc. I always wonder when i see couples what that must feel like. To be wanted, desired, chosen, loved by a partner.-Jessica
 

Pondering For The Day.

 

Still Beautiful.

Yesterday I took the tree and Christmas decorations down (my hubby was also supposed to take down the outdoor lights but he said it was "too cold" and didn't, but guess what, Mister, it's only going to get colder, and the longer you wait they're all going to freeze and get stuck!) and now it just looks and feels so empty and bare and like something's missing and it felt strange last night not seeing the red glow of the lights thru the living room window. The tree also looks so much smaller  now not all decorated( shown here) yet still beautiful, just in a different way. Life also gets back to normal Monday as well; all the schools go back, everyone goes back to work after the Christmas/New Year holiday break, and businesses go back to regular hours and life goes on once again.

All except for me.

My life still sucks.

This was not the marriage or life I would have picked.-Jessica

I also took this shot at sundown and if you look closely you can see the really big moon, plus also at the bottom photo. It was extra big and bright last night and it even kept shining brightly thru my bedroom window all night,too, illuminating the entire room., and I also heard Stairway To Heaven on the radio again.  My hubby's New Years resolution is also to do Tai Chi along with his daily morning yoga.

Mine is to tell more people to f*ck-off.😂

and to hopefully die.

I also just loooove this wedding gown and it's modest,too, and not slutty like so many of them are today, with the titties hanging out, and it reminds me of a princess-style gown,  and I almost missed out on my birthday ( which is in just 2 more days and I'll be 59....holy f*ck I can't believe I'm almost 60! I always thought I would die before I was 50 but maybe I got it mixed it and it was actually before I'm 60?) dinner as I was to order-in from my fave. Italian place on Sunday, the actual day, but then my hubby said he couldn't pick it up as that's also the day the 31 YR old moves into his campus dorm and he needs the car(and, of course, nothing for me is ever a priority and my birthday doesn't matter; the kids don't even send me birthday greetings) so I was checking their hours and it said they're closed Sundays and Mondays so I have to order it a day early, tomorrow, on Saturday instead, but it's a good thing I checked ahead of time  or else I would have tried on Sunday and would have just been S.O.L. and would have been sooooooooooooooooooo mad!!! My fave. numbers have also always been 2 and 4 and I wonder if since I was born on the 4th if maybe it means I'll also die on the 2nd....hey, maybe even today...today's the 2nd.....I sure hope so.....

This morning as I was laying in bed shortly after I woke up just past 6 am I also had those sharp pains in my chest again, mostly on the left side that radiated down my left arm so I hope I'm getting a heart-attack and I will finally be set free, it would be a blessing and an answer to prayers,and it's always so cold and drafty in the house esp. on days like today where it's minus 20-something C the furnace just can't do it( even though it's only a few years old) and we have to supplement with electric baseboard heaters and plug-in space heaters, so my guess is it's not insulated well yet we can't afford  to upgrade it, either, so we just have to suffer, and some f*cker on Twitter said I "shouldn't 'force' Beja to love me just like I shouldn't ' try to force' my kids to love me" and I "should learn from my mistakes" which really *HURT*.

All I want is to be loved, for someone to love me,and is it really  too "much" to ask that my own kids  and my own dog love me?

I really don't have anything(or any reason) or anyone to live for.

Not anymore.

Why do people think I want to go on? It is NOT comforting being told that I have more life to live. This is not living.

 

Today's Thought.

 

Happy New Year!

Hey! I haven't seen you since last year, ha,ha!

I woke up last night a few minutes before Midnight as I had to pee so I stayed awake to watch the clock switch over to Midnight and I mumbled Happy New Year to Beja and to myself, but knowing nothing's going to change and it's still just going to be the same old shit, just a different year, different month, different calendar, but still plodding thru each and every day just existing but not really living, just wanting, hoping, and waiting to die, and I really wish Beja could love me like he loves the 31 YR old, esp. since he IS my  dog and he should act like it, but at least he moves out in 3 more days and I get him back, and the other day I had worn a winter sock I hadn't worn since last winter, when Buddy was still alive and it still must have had his scent on it and Beja sniffed it and gave me this sad, almost betrayed look, but now he knows exactly how *I* feel for selling me  out and replacing me with the 31 YR old.

I also made Ambrosia(shown here) for New Years with the real whipping cream ( and now my abdomenal pain is really baaaaaaad, even though I even took 2 lactose pills with it!!) diced cubed fruit, and mini marshmallows. I also plucked out the gross grapes because they're disgusting and I was the one making it.

We also got Chinese food (shown here, and I specially even ordered one with shrimp I know the 31 YR old likes) yesterday for today but mixed up the days. I thought we were to get it yesterday as it's super busy today only it was yesterday  that was the super busy day and it's closed today and we actually should have ordered it on the 30th and my hubby went there at 1 pm(it closed at 8pm last night) and as soon as another customer came in right after him they said they were already all booked until 8pm and weren't even taking any more orders for the entire day so he just made it in time! OMG! Whew! That was close!  Yesterday and today my stomach also hurts really baaaaad as well and I thought if I ate it would feel better but it didn't and then I thought if I smoked some weed it would help but even that didn't,either.

Ugh!

I also took these photos last night as it was snowing and the sky was a pretty light pink but it hardly shows as it was just too dark I guess. The 31 YR old also saw a doctor to be tested for ADHD  and I told him, Oh, I think you have it! and he said, So does the doctor! explaining why he never sticks with anything for too long and quickly grows bored and moves on to the next thing, and due to it he even gets special allowances at the college, incl. an extra hour to complete exams, and he also says it's "not normal" for people to yell when they argue and fight( his therapist must have told him that?) but I've never known anybody who doesn't; what isn't normal is to beat eachother up when you argue and fight but just yelling everybody does ,and he's obviously never met an Italian family then!! Ever since we got the new hot water tank we don't get much hot water,either; even the past 2 weeks I'm the first one up in the mornings and I still have to run it entirely all hot for my bath and I only get half a tub and it runs out and turns luke-warm.

Shit.

Everything we have always sucks and is a piece of shit.

Someone also posted on Twitter that Canadians have hockey rinks in their backyards in winter and someone else replied "Only the low-class ones" and "Hockey fans are the equivalent of inbred cousin-f*cking NASCAR fans in the USA" and I couldn't agree more, and that pretty much sums it up and says it all, and I heard someone a question posed "What would you like the power to do?" and I would like to fly and to be invisible and then I could travel everywhere for free without having to pay airfare or hotel/cruise/resort; just fly there myself any time I want and stay in an empty room for free and no one would ever know. Israel is also now banning some 37 humanitarian groups from Gaza, incl. genuine ones such as Oxfam, Doctors Without Borders, World Vision, etc. clearly violating international law and determined to continue the genocide despite the so-called "ceasefire."

They can suck a big fat one.

Well, I guess the universe knew it wasn’t meant for me.-Ashley Henderson