Breakthrough!

Last night I had this tremendous breakthrough: I smoked weed and went deep inside myself, deep into thought and prayer and sought answers and I finally got it. The good news is that Buddy is ok. (and that's what's most important and I'm so relieved!) but the bad news is that I'm not. As it turns out I've been having delusions all this time . He's NOT dying afterall; my perception was just altered, I was seeing a kind of distorted reality where everything was an illusion and not what it appeared( even more than usual, because things are like that anyway, such as people and situations often not being what they seem to be) what it was is he likely just has colitis or some other gastro issue because now he seems fine all day yesterday and all during the night and no more blood in his shit( just a small clot yesterday with some mucus and nothing today) and what I thought and interptreted at the time as "gasping" and dying was likely just merely sneezing, yawning, and "going limp" falling asleep, explaining why it only ever seemed to happen at night and why it only ever happened when no one else was ever around to see it, because it wasn't real. It didn' really happen. It was all in my head. I was just imagining it all. It was just my fear always replaying and coming out, that I had to keep re-living over and over. Let me tell you though, it was gut-wrenching and terrifying. Just imagine going thru the process of losing someone you love along with all the raw emotional pain that goes along with it over and over again. I'm a wreck and I bit my nails down to slivers and my BP is up to 155/ 103 and heart rate 96 today and I woke up with this massive, blinding headache today I still have. It's all just my mind playing tricks on me and the stress is killing me.

Having such a distorted illusion of things, with such psychosis with delusions and hallucinations(along with hearing voices, which I also have, usually it sounds like my mother calling my name or other family members voices, or chatter like when you enter a room full of people taslking in the background or sometimes muffled voices) is a classic sign of schizophrenia except that normally onsets in the late teens or early 20's and rarely past age 45 so that doesn't fit the profile so maybe something else could be causing it such as when I fainted and fell and hit the back of my head hard on the floor 2 summers ago and maybe it cause slow long-term damage over time perhaps, or maybe it's due to my kidney or liver failure late or even end-stage, or even a brain tumour perhaps, or a brain bleed, swelling or pressure in the brain , or just sinking further into mental illness which I know I already have( depression and bipolar) and I know it's not the weed as I've been on that for 5 years now and I've only had the hallucinations since the summer ( seeing the Shadow People for instance and other odd things like the guys dressed as clowns and wearing diapers riding a bike down the street, for an example) and it happens on days I don't use weed,too; it's just random, and the weed actually helps calm my anxiety and clears my mind and helps me centre myself and get clarity and go deep inside myself and find answers I can't normally access otherwise and I've had the paranoia for 2 years or so, like I can remember thinking my hubby was trying to kill me, and then it makes me wonder: how can I tell what's real and what isn't? I can't even trust my own mind and that's a really scary thing and it makes me question everything I know, think and believe. It's like when someone lies to you; from that moment on it always makes you doubt, wonder, and second-guess; are they actually telling the truth this time or just lying again? You never know what's true or not or what to believe anymore. It's like that only with my own mind.

I also notice my forgetfulness worsening (maybe there is a connection there?) sleep disturbances, and I have no concept of time anymore,either, and losing touch with reality is very scary and now I know I have psychosis and need help but what now? Do I just call up the psych. I saw before or just go to the ER? I mean, is it an imminent danger or not? I'm not quite sure how to approach it either as I'm really embarrassed even though I know I shouldn't be. Mental illness is exactly that; an illness. It's a sickness that needs to be treated and it's no different than if any other part of the body is sick and needs to be treated, and it's nothing to be ashamed of and no one's weakness or fault yet for some reason it's become so shameful, so stigmatized, so hidden. Why is it that if your brain is sick you're ashamed to seek help for fear of being ridiculed and outcast and being treated as if you are a monster. I also had this feeling I would die on the 29th(although never told which 29th of which month) and today is the 29th and so here I go again, for another ride on the Crazy Train.....round and round we go, and I don't just ride it, I drive  that motherf*cker!

Truth For Today.

Saying Goodbye.

I should have trusted my instincts and listened to Buddy when he told me in the summer he had cancer and he was dying. We we both right. Last night I saw a big bulging in his groin, like a huge varicose vein squishy and I thought at first might just be a hernia but then later on I noticed it had shifted to the other side and when I palpated inside he jumped in pain and it hit me that his sudden weight gain over the past couple of months isn't because he's fat; it's because he has a big tumor, and now his belly is so big it's distended and protruding and a big pot-belly and round and big like there's a big grapefruit in there. That would also explain the rectal bleeding and last night 4 times during the night he kept waking me up having episodes having trouble breathing where it started off as either a sneeze or a funny grunt sound and then gagging or wrethching and opening his mouth like to gag, having trouble breathing and I'd pick him up and hold him in my arms, cradling him, stroking him, wailing, and he'd go limp in my arms for a few moments and then come "out" of it and this went on thru the night so I only got 3 HRS sleep(and now I'm so jet-lag tired I'm exhausted both physically and emotionally and I want to sleep but I'm afraid to; scared the moment I close my eyes he'll die and he'll be all alone) and so frazzled my BP is 155/ 95 and heart rate is 95; I'm probably going to have a heart-attack from the stress), always having him right beside me with my hand on him to make sure he was still breathing, waking up at every little sound, knowing that it wouldn't be long.

I know in my heart that either sometime today or tonight will be The Day; I can just feel it and he's in pain and anxious so I gave him some CBD oil to calm and relax him and to ease the pain so at least he's not suffering or afraid, sort of like how terminal cancer patients receive morphine to ease their last days. I also won't leave his side for a moment, not even to have a bath or to eat, but keep vigil constantly and I don't want him to die alone but in my arms, and I often feel this cool breeze pass by as well, like a sign the angels have come for him and he'll often stare intently straight ahead, as if he's looking at something or someone,  and when he's about to go limp he'll heartily sniff me and lick my hand, as if trying to inhale the last bit of my scent as he can, to hold on to me, to he can remember, or to lead him back to me so he can find his way back, and I knew one day this day would come but I'm still not ready for it. I can't lose my best friend. Without him I have nothing left; nothing to live for, nothing to keep me going anymore. He is all I have. The only love, joy,and light in my life.

In church on Sunday the priest spoke on how all our sufferings will come together for good in the end in Eternity and that's the only hope I have left to hold on to that things will finally look up for me and get better and that I will finally have the happiness, love,and peace that I long for but that always eluded me in life, and I also hope to be reunited with Buddy again,too; that he'll be waiting for me and run into my arms, tail wagging a mile a minute, happy to see me. He is  my life and the best thing to ever happen to me and I pray when he goes that God takes me toobecause we're a team and we go together and do everything together and I can't live without him. We are connected and when one dies the other dies,too.

I also realized the 12 YR old only got half a mother,too: when he was born I was 40 and already all used up, broken, worn out, and at the end of my rope and he didn't get the same mother that the other kids got, and he was only 5 when all my medical issues started so he ended up with a different "version" of me, less productive, lesss effective, less capable, and it's sad, and the other day he said I'm a drug addict going to over-dose on my illegal drugs even though it's medical marijuana I have a prescription for and it's all legal now and I'm no more "addicted" to it than to vitamins and you can't even possibly overdose on weed anyway....At least when I die no one will miss me and they always say all I do is just smoke weed and lay around on the couch all day anyway so they won't notice any difference.

 For when Buddy goes I leave this. He truly was an angel sent from God. He was an answer to my prayer. I prayed that He sends me a soul-mate, someone to love me, and He did. The only bad thing about loving so intensely is it's so painful to lose but I also know that God will always be with me wherever I am and will give me the strength for whatever comes next, whatever lies ahead, where my next journey takes me, what my next chapter is..

Daily Joke.

Funny Face.

The 12 YR old made this really creepy funny face with his device and it just cracked me up. Oddly, lately for the past few days my family has also been suddenly nicer to me all of a sudden too and I don't know why and it's suspicious but I like it: the other day the 12 YR old made this Jeopardy!-style game for me where he made up the board, catagories and questions and asked me and we were having fun too until my hubby came in the room and ruined it by being all stupid and shit. My hubby and the 16 YR old also incl. me in a song trivia game(and I must say I kicked their asses in the 80's song catagory by double, too but the 16 YR old knew all the modern songs all of which I have never even heard of either the song or artist, not surprising since they stopped even making good music after the 80's other than the odd song here and there) and the 25 YR old was having a deep conversation with me,too. I don't know what brought it all on but it was really nice. I also commented on a post on YouTube to the band Girls Named Jennifer  which is a new band actually but they have the same sound as 80's music and they actually replied back which I thought was cool!

Not last night but the night before Buddy told me he's dying any day now,too(and remember he did tell me about 6 months ago he had cancer?) and that it won't be long and that night up in bed he made these "jerking" movements like if hiccupping(only he wasn't) and would open his mouth like yawning and loud gurgling in his abdomen and  and for the past 2 days he's had blood in his shit,too and I don't just mean a little bit, and it's fresh bright red(and when I wipe his ass with a handful of snow it turns all red like a cherry snowcone and the cool shaved ice is soothing relief to him,too), and I'm hoping it's just something like a gastro upset, anal fissure, hemmoriod or low-lying colon polyp like I had or something and not internal bleeding, a tumour, etc. and that maybe he just feels like he's dying and thinks  he's dying but isn't really or that it's all just a delusion, although I know beyond any doubt the blood in the shit IS shockingly real and he's just been laying around the past few days too and not eating much, but drinking lots and not going for his usual walks although this morning he did go for a nice long typical walk once again so I hope he's maybe starting to feel better, but I might just be fooling myself too(and I know I should trust my instincts) as I also know with a terminal illness or fatal medical condition that death is a process and follows a set pattern, too, and part of that pattern is right near the end the dying patient has one "Last Hurrah" in which they rally and get this one-time "burst" of energy and seem to "perk" up, giving loved ones false hope that maybe they're recovering and not dying afterall, only to die shortly afterwards so I don't know....all I know is there's so much swirling around in my head......

and....

I think I'm probably on the verge of a mental and emotional breakdown and I saw the other day too I'm exhibiting 3 of the classic signs of it too: a drastic or extreme change in hair style ( I shaved my head) a new piercing (my nose) and tattoo (I want to get another one) and I remember that "warning" I felt months ago whispered by the Holy Spirit warning me to watch out and be careful; that something's coming....maybe that's it? Maybe it's either Buddy dying, I'm going to finally go over the edge, kill myself......who knows? I also lately keep having this ....I guess you might call it a "vision" or an intuition or whatever that I either come close to dying or I die and get ressussitated but I get there somehow and have my questions answered and am told my purpose and meaning in my life and am lead on a new course in my life where things will get better and then I'm revived and brought back.....interesting to see what that all means if anything and if it actually ends up true or not or just more of my crazy-ass ramblings, ha, ha...

 I also think it's not merely just a cold I have now too but some other virus as now I also have these weird red spots on my face- but only on the right side- and I still have the congestion, runny nose, old man cough, sweats, on-and-off fever and headache, and joint and muscle pain along with constant debilitating fatigue but I know it's not the Flu as I'm not nauseated or barfy at all and it doesn't feel like the Flu but more like a bad cold with extras.....it's weird.... maybe I am dying though as I also did have this feeling that Christmas last month would be my last and it was esp. important that the kids were all here one last time for a visit.... I just hope I didn't infect everyone in church yesterday even though I'd be past the contagious stage now (that's just in the beginning and I'm going on 2 weeks now) and I look sick too and with my shaved head they probably all think I have cancer or something.

With Buddy being not to well and telling me he's dying and me having a bad feeling about it my family is being cruel and acting like he's dead already and talking about a new dog already ( reminding me of the hospitals not even waiting until the beds are cold after removing a dead guy before moving the next patient in) and the 16 YR old wants a Corgi or a Golden Lab even though I prefer small dogs and Chihuahuas are my fave. and it is my dog we're talking about here and although nothing  could EVER "replace" BuddyI would still need another dog for emotional support and company and Buddy is bascially like both my companion and my child in one: my companion obviously NOT in the sexual way but he keeps me company, I confide in him, he's my secret-keeper, sleeps in my bed, is the one that loves me, that cuddles me, is my constant companion, and that I dote on and take care of and losing him would be like losing a companion and a child; he's my everything; my whole life, my whole reason to keep living, the anchor that keeps me grounded so I don't drift away, the only reason I keep getting up each day and have the will to keep living, and without him I would have nothing left anymore; no one to love me, and I'd be all alone and lost.

 I also wonder if that "impression" I got before of me dying of an abdomenal aortic anuerysm might have even got mixed-up and it's actually him? I also will name my new dog either Beja( prounouced "Bay- Zha" or Seppi, and I can remember what dying feels like too, I assume from past lives or whatever: the moment it occurs there's this sudden flash of warm bright white light that envelops you and you can feel youself being sucked upwards and drawn out and up out of your head and my theory about Trans people is that in their past life they were the other sex and part of that mmemory still remains and that's what confuses them only they only remember part of it and it confuses them. I know that officially the Church teaches we only have one life and there are no past lives but I know that there are (either past lives or parrallel lives). I remember.

Today's Thought.

Words For The Weekend.