Daily Truth.

Was Ist Das?

Funny story: I saw THIS on Facebook and didn't know what it was at first(I thought it was a keychain or something) and then told it was a butt-plug and then I'm like, "But why is there a TAIL on the end?" so I thought about it for awhile and then it finally dawned on me....."Oh....oh...oh! FURRIES! and where the tail is attached......OHHHHH!!!"🤣😲 I just found out what a "Glory-hole" is this year though,too. I know, I know, I'm a bit slow. I also woke up with this massive headache this morning and assumed I must have high BP again( since it's not supposed to rain; another reason I get headaches; when the air pressure drops before rain) so I checked it and to my surprise it's actually low which is unusual for me; it was 111/73 ( normal is 120/80) and the pain in my lower right side/flank and under the rib is also really bad today too, the kind of pain where you just curl up into a little ball and rock back and forth in pain, the kind of pain that just takes your breath away. I wonder if it's something on the verge of rupture, like my appendix or if I have kidney stones or something or if it's just my failing liver or right kidney? Or it could be my colon acting-up again as I also have bad abdomenal pain,too....?

My mother also said to me curtly, Next time I'd appreciate it if you don't phone my doctor and tell him I'm going to kill myself! and I'm like Whaaat? What are you talking about? When did I ever do that? and then she says it was at least 6 months ago and for one thing I don't even remember 6 months ago or beyond and for another with my Social Phobia I don't even like talking to people on the phone so there chance of me actually phoning somebody is next to nil unless I absolutely had  to so I seriously doubt it; she must be confused again and the last time I saw him and he asked how she was I just told him she's nauseated daily likely because she "cheats" on her diabetic diet and I did tell him she's basically just given up and just lays in bed all day but I never said anything about being suicidal.....and then she goes on how he was all concerned and called her and talked to her, etc. and she was so embarrassed and humiliated, etc.. but at least it shows he cares though and that he's a good kind and concerned doctor, like that time I broke down in front of my other doctor and he was so kinf, concerned, worried and caring he was even afriad I might jump in front of a bus on the way home and I was touched actually as well as suprised as it was the first time anybody actually really ever cared about me or ever showed any concern and he referred me to the psych doc who was the one who eventually disgnosed me with the Asperger's and the bipolar when I was 45.(I had already known about the depression since I was 13)

It also got me thinking too about my younger cousin S too who is  9 years younger than me and has always admired me and looked up to me when she was younger( why, I don't know and have no idea) just like how I also looked up to my older cousin J( who is also 9 years older than me) when I was growing up( until I was 13 and she got prego and had a baby with a guy who was already married and then I was really disillusioned, disappointed and hurt that my sweet "innocent" "good" example cousin would do  something like that!) that she must be so disappointed in me now; that I ended up being mentally ill and losing my mind as an adult. I still have her on my Facebook now and she's divorced now and has 2 kids herself. The 17 YR old also still only wears long-sleeved shirts and pants( even long heavy sweat shirts and pants in the summer heat!) to cover the scars from her cutting/self-injury from her eating disorder and self-injury 3 years ago all up and down her arms and thighs and I told her it's nothing to be ashamed of though; it's just her battle-scars and shows that she survived;she won  the battle and is stronger than what tried to destroy her and they are reminders that she is a warrior.besides, we all  have scars, it's just that some of them are on the inside and can't always be seen but we all have them.

Today's Pondering.

Grosser Than Gross.

OK, how's this for grosser than gross? Hundreds of squirming wriggling maggots all over our garbage and garbage cans! This is what we saw when we took the lid off the garbage can, festering and reeking in the hot summer heat,and not only that(as if that wasn't revolting enough) but also oozing maggot juice all down the sides of the can,too! Ewww! As you can imaginie the stench was just unimaginable and they look like little grains of rice or cut-up pieces of spaghetti (I don't think I'll ever see Chicken Fried Rice the same way ever again) and it horrified my mother so much she was even embarrassed to put it out for the garbage man to pick up( even though I'm sure they're used to it and see it all the time and they do wear gloves and probably don't even notice opening up the can and just tossing the bags into the backof the truck likely not even looking) so she decided that she had to haul it out of the can and hose all the maggots off and -yup-clean off the garbage before throwing it out in the driveway ( she always does this; purposely makes more work for herself and then complains she has so much work) even though garbage is the 13 YR old's job but there's no way she wants her precious little Prince to have to do any work so she takes it upon herself to do yet despite myself, my hubby and the 25 YR old telling her to not do it she still went ahead and did it anyway.....until she got soaked by the power washer hose and sprayed with maggots and then the 13 YR old ended up eventually doing it anyway even though everyone thought the whole thing was unnecessary but you know her; she gets an idea in her head and just won't let go and give it up and then she thinks she's a "martyr", picking up the slack.

My mother also was saying how so many of my old friends I grew up with and went to school with are grandparents now and I was saying I'm not eager to be a grandmother; that I had enough of kids' shit with my own  kids and I don't need it again with someone else's esp. now I'm older and have even less patience than I had before and then she smirked ...and you didn't have much before!  as always getting a little "dig" into me and I replied I just don't want to risk becoming an over-bearing grandmother like her, over-stepping boundaries with my grandchildren like she does with hers, and ruining the relationship with my own kids in the process as a result and then she huffed, You don't want to have anything to do  with your  grandchildren! and it's not that I don't want anything to do with them; I just don't want to be overly involved and end up like her and I'm not excited or eager for grandchildren like most people are, and,in fact, I'm OK if my kids never have kids. The 25 YR old also calculated it's been sooo hot lately that if we did have the pool open it would cost 40$ a day in "shock" (liquid chlorine) as it would keep "burning off" in the sun but it's also so hot that every  day would be a swim day for the past 3 weeks or so too and this is the worst summer to have the pool closed!

I had an "epiphany" of a sort too that maybe the reason I'm ugly and look like a dude is sort of a defence or protection: if I was pretty I would always be a target for guys "hitting" on me, bothering me, harrassing me, etc. and this way at least I don't ever have to worry about being raped, sexually assaulted, harrassed, etc, in fact I've never even been cat-called or even flirted with and perhaps it's to keep me humbled too as alot of attractive people also usually aren't very nice people,either; they often tend to be mean, arrogant, vain,proud, bullies, etc. and during a bad storm the other day part of a big limb on the neighbour's tree fell on their roof and now there's a big dent on the roof and they had to have half the tree cut down and the guy next-door had his menacing huge Mastiff running loose again and it came right up to our driveway again while Buddy and I were sitting out on the front veranda and it scares me it'll attack him and unless I'm hallucinating again I think he's trying to kill me too as I'm pretty sure when I was out in the backyard the other day I heard him say to his friend( about Buddy and I) Should we attack them? and last night as I was out there smoking weed he was yelling at me something about my f*cking Dachshund and Don't even look  at me, you f*cking kook! and I 'm pretty sure he's some sort of "tweaker" or something and likely a drug dealer too so with any luck he hopefully won't be living there long and the cops will come by and haul him off to jail for something soon.....

The other day I was also trying to explain to my hubby some computer issue and of course I have no idea and he's an expert in the field(and that's his job) and he was saying, No, that's software; what you're talking about is hardware... and so I ended it with something like this : I don't know, it's some computer thing, some tech thing; it's all the same to me; it's all too complicated for me... and he said it sounded racist and said it sounded like saying You People  and You all look the same to me ; just substitute " tech stuff" with the word "Black"..... except it's NOT, and I'm the least racist person there is; my BFF is Korean and my mother said my birthday parties as a kid Looked like the United Nations and 90% of my friends in highschool were Asian, and I'm actually Jamaican  on the inside, so there's that....it's just that it's all too complex for me and all that tech/computer/nerd stuff is way above my head.

Less than 2 months until schools go back as well and the gov't still isn't sure how they will resume post-"pandemic" either and say either back to usual with social distancing, remote learning, or a combination and with smaller class sizes( 15 per class instead of the usual 40 or so) and off days or off weeks and I'm just soooo glad we homeschool and don't have to ever worry about any of this shit, and I had that recurring dream again about Buddy last night where I can't find him and he's at this middle-aged woman's house with the puppies and she won't give him back or open the door and I won't leave without him, as He's my  dog and he belongs with me; he's part of my family and I'm not leaving without him! and I break down the door and just go in and get him and until now I never knew who she was and now I just realized it: it was Patti!

Truth For The Day.

Tangled Up.

This is how I feel in life: all tangled up; so unsure and confused about everything, about life, my future, what path to take, what road to follow, what's real and what isn't, what's true and what's false, what's an illusion and what isn't, what I should do and what I shouldn't, what comes from God and what is actually just from my own mind or even worse ; being misled or deceived by Satan or the world, etc. Having bipolar is very difficult and hard to navigate thru and to find your bearings and to find the right path and to make sure that it is. I also have issues with religion lately too( note I didn't say faith which is my own personal relationship with God but rather organized religion which is man-made and some of it's doctrines; my faith in God Himself  has never wavered) incl. the clergy sex scandal, the Church's involvement with Native's Residential Schools and how Native children were stolen from their families and their culture to be "assimilated" and were often abused, the incredible wealth and power of the Vatican while millions live in poverty, corruption in the Vatican, etc, as well as uncertaintly about Jesus' Divinity, Crucifixion,the Trinity(I happen to believe that God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are three separate entities) praying to Jesus,Mary, and saints when the Bible clearly states to only worship God alone,Eucharist( I think it merely symbolises Jesus' Last Supper and He's not really present) and other issues, such as I have a hard time believing that a kind, loving, merciful, compassionate God would have need for a blood sacrifice and if He saved Jonah from the whale why wouldn't He also save Jesus from the Cross( being that He was a major prophet and even more  so if He was His Son;He would move heaven and Earth to save Him!) esp. given it's such a horrible gruesome painful death(plus it doesn't really make sense,either; why would the Romans crucify an innocent man; it was a punishment for crimes such as theft and murder,not for some Jewish prophet that was non-violent and never even opposed the Roman authorities and wasn't even political) and He did plead for His life to be spared, and being God He has no need for a blood sacrifice( or even for a son) to save sinners from sin; He's God  and merely has to decree a thing and it is; something just seems "off" to me and just doesn't "fit"....etc. there are just so many questions, doubts, contradictions, etc. when you really think about it ....something just doesn't sit right and it bothers me and makes me feel uncomfortable and I've been wrestling with so many questions for so long.....

I've been praying on it and to me it makes more sense that Jesus was a human prophet  and NOT divine, esp. given that in the Old Testament it says hear, O, Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One, stating that there is only ONE god, not 2, or 3, no Trinity or anything else, just God and jesus Himself never claimed to be  the son of God; it was others that said that about Him; he claimed to be the Son of Man which is another word for Messiah and He said I have not come to abolish the Law(the Old Testament) but to fulfill it and Jesus Himself  didn't build a new church( Christianity) it was His followers that did after His death; He was Jewish. All this gives me pause for thought, contemplation and re-evaluation and makes me question everything I was brought up with and have always believed. Is  God perhaps leading me to another path? Or is it all just in my head? Is it merely my mental illness deluding me? How can I tell if it comes from God or not or just a delusion? I also don't need the hassle of my family ridiculing me about changing religions again (I tried being Jehovah's Witness and LDS before for about 2 YRS each but gave it up as with JW I couldn't conform and give up my individuality, and my independent mind,compelling questions,and  free-spirit kept getting me into trouble and LDS just ended up having some really weird shit the deeper I got into it, even blasphemous, incl. God was once a man, we can become "gods", God has a "wife", etc) nor do I want to risk having to lose who I am or give up everything I love; I need a balance, and so I continue to offer it up to God, study Scriptures and pray and see where it leads me and in the meantime I 'm still as spiritual and religious as ever and continue to nurture my own personal relationship with God......

Wordless Wednesday.