Daily Thought.

Irie. THE JAMAICA DIARIES

DAY 1:

I still can't believe I'm really actually here and it didn't seem real until I was on the plane and as we climbed higher home life vanished and it was just me and I felt so free and so alive.....f*ck it all......it was a long tiring day though and on the bus from the airport to the resort the driver was selling beer and I cracked, half-jokingly, Forget about beer, how about some ganja? and he left for a moment, came back, and returned with a package wrapped in foil and sold me a week's worth for 60$! it was that easy and I noticed others on the bus buying it,too! Sweet! He also laughed and told me that I was his New best friend.

The resort is right on the beach,too, just steps away, so it's not alot of walking for me, thank God,but dinner's not until 19:00 and I was starving and hadn't eatn in 8 HRS. A vendor also said to me, Welcome home! which was touching and really said it all: I really do feel at home here, like this is my home, and like I've come home. I feel like this really is my home, where I belong, and I'm an Island Girl. They don't have many food choices at the resort though and I'm dumb and can't figure out how to do the A/C which uses a remote control. Duh.

Fulljoy. DAY 2:

I went to the beach 3 times today and I'm sooooo burned I'm red like a lobster and peeling like a snake #WhitePeopleProblems and I met a Rastaman named George too who shared  his doobie with me and invited me to a party and said he wanted to take me dancing- I was beyond stunned- this kind of thing never happens to me- I was shocked and even blurted out a surprised and confused, Why? in in disbelief. I politely declined, being a woman esp. on your own you have to be careful, not going off with strangers and such but I have to admit it felt nice, for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE someone approached me and showed interest and it felt good. A pervert also came up to me later as I was laying on the beach and asked if he could take my picture  and wanted me to spread my legs; I told him he was a pervert and told him to f*ck off.

It also smells like weed(they call it ganja here) everywhere and everyone smokes it so freely, and it's beautiful and here the ganjaman even come up and approach you on the beach! The waves are massive today too, higher than I am tall, and I was the only one stupid enough to be out there and I just revelled in diving into them, it was glorious, and here they don't say you enjoy as it implies it ends but rather you say full-joy and there's a guest at the resort too that reminds me of Quasimodo and I think he's retarded or something and the people next-door( college kids) are soooo loud I hardly slept much all night and the meals are only at 8 am, 13:00 and 19:00 with no snakcs available in-between so I'm always so hungry it's like I'm at a Fat Farm and no Internet; just WiFi but you have to have your own laptop or cellphone, and I miss my Buddy-Bou so Much! I also love the low "buzzing" sound of the sea when I'm underwater and a motor boat is nearby and to see them skimming across the top of the waves and makeing a wake and when I'm floating it feels like I'm flying.

Pondering For Today.

Back From Jamaica, 'Mon.

 I got back from Jamaica at 4 am last night and my flight was 3 HRS late and so the f*ckers at the airport pick-up service I'd reserved just abandoned me there and said I had to find my own way home ( out of town, a 2 HR drive away) or wait until the next driver this afternoon today! Can you believe it? What did they expect me to do? I was exhausted being picked up for the airport at 9:30 am and the flight not leaving until 18:00 and not landing until 23:00.....f*ck this shit....I was beyond furious, so I called my hubby, frantic and in tears, saying he had to come pick me up which he did but he didn't want to and he was mad, and on the entire trip home berated me to shut up and stop yakking so he could hear his podcast thing.

Yeah, welcome home. Some things never change.

At least Buddy really missed me. When I first burst thru the door and ran over to greet him he just looked up and blinked in disbelief as if the moment were sureal and he couldn't believe it; Is that really her? Is she really back? and then I scooped him up into my arms and held him close and he just melted into me emitting these sorrowfull, sobbing, pitiful sounds that can best be described as wailing and he slept glued right up next to me all night and wouldn't leave my side all day today. 

I only got 3 HRS sleep and was a zombie all day plus I also keep coughing like an old man it feels like I'm going to cough up a lung ( probably some nasty virus I picked up on the plane or from climate shock) and have a bad headache  and in the afternoon I just crashed: I was hardly able to walk, think or speak and was staggering around and slurring like a drunken sailor I was so sleep-deprived so I had a wonderous 5 HR nap.My God, sleep is a wonderful, beautiful thing. I also had my app't with my medical marijuana doctor and got my prescription(which runs out in early May) renewed.

My trip was amazing other than the end, and as for posts about it I'll do it in this way: I'll do it in diary format, as I journalled it each day on my trip in my little trip log book, along with some photos I took on the trip, such as the one above of the resort. I flew into Montego Bay and stayed at a resort in Negril, along the 7 Mile beach. 

Today's Thought.

Happy 4/20!

Happy 4/20! I will be celebrating accordingly and tomorrow I'll be in Jamaica where I can also celebrate accordingly, hopefully all week. I can still remember just a few mere years ago my former sister-in-law mentioning 4/20 on her Facebook and I had no idea back then what 4/20 even was and now here I am, a full-fledged enthusiast. I used to be one of those hard-asses that thought weed was bad and never tried it until I was 48 when I'd had enough of my debilitating migraines and heard it would relieve the pain and it did, like nothing else, and for other pain,too, and then I got my medical prescription and my attitude changed, my eyes and mind were opened and I changed my view completely. People can change and they can change their minds. My hubby is still vehemently anti-weed and so much so the 24 YR old asked me what's with him, why he hates weed so much, if it's some sort of "trauma thing" and one of his brothers used to be a drug addict but I think it's more than that; I think he's just a judgemental asshole. He looks down on me for it and is always condescending but thanks to weed my migraines have now been completely eliminated and now he's the only headache I still have, the human version of a migraine.

I still feel really yucky with the bleeding and pain and feel like I'm going to pass out every time I stand up. This is really bad. Yesterday I even slept thru most of the day, incl. one nap that lasted 4 HRS alone. I don't know if it's due to the bleeding or whatever's causing it( I have a bad feeling it's cancer) but I'm determined to get on that plane tomorrow morning and make it to Jamaica no matter what and I refuse to die until I'm there.I'm at least holding on until I get there. One of my cousins has also been in the hospital for the past week in kidney failure. He's been on dialysis for quite a while now already waiting a kidney transplant, they failed due to his diabetes and he's only in his early 60's and another cousin just got back from Hawaii and in August they're going on their next cruise to Norway, Denmark, Scotland, Greenland, and Iceland.

Tomorrow I'm going to Jamaica! It still doesn't seem real though for some reason and I don't think I'll really actually believe it's happening until I'm on that plane taking off....

Daily Musing.

Childhood Memories.

The other day I was contemplating, as dying feels like it's coming closer and closer, my happiest childhood memories(there are many, such as at the cottage, camp, visiting relatives, summer, Christmases, friends,etc.) but the 2 that stuck out the most were when I was 4-5 and I would go to the park near my house, just at the end of our street and I would lay down, cross my arms across my chest, legs stretched out but together and roll down that big hill. It was sooooo much fun and for some reason I'd always end up going down side-ways or in a arc, never roll straight down,and when I got to the end I'd be so far off-course I'd laugh and say How did I get all the way over here? and I'd get up and stagger around, all dizzy, and then I'd laugh and laugh and keep getting up and doing it over and over again and how mad my mother always was for getting grass stains on my clothes, esp. on the knees of my pants.....

Another vivid memory that stands out was when I was in grade 2 and I was in the park again( a different park this time as we'd moved) and I was wearing my lilac purple quilted jacket and the Monarch butterflies were migrating and there were hundreds of them, if not more, flying all over, all around me, filling the sky, and it was one of the most amazing, magnificent moments of my life, just pure joy and a moment I will never forget. It was magic. It's too bad as an adult I don't have moments like that anymore. I really miss that.

This is also my Easter chocolate.....and it's not even Easter yet but in my defence it is chocolate which is my biggest weakness, temptation,and addiction, and besides, for actual Easter itself I won't be here, but in Jamaica. I still feel ghastly with my bleeding and pain; pain level now 8/10 on the pain scale and all I want to do is curl up somewhere and separate myself from the pain and it's always worse when I'm bleeding too; I couldn't even go to Mass last night for Holy Thursday ( church 3 times this week for Holy Week) and I'm still not quite sure yet if I can make it later today for Good Friday Mass, either; every time I stand up I feel like I'm going to faint.....shit....just as long as I can get on that plane Sunday morning I'll be able to make it and I don't need much stamina or energy once I'm there to haul my ass to the beach or to the buffet so I should be ok. I'm determined to make it to Jamaica before I die.

I also think I really do have some sort of reproductive cancer and now even more so as when I tried to insert my Diva Cup ( which holds more blood than a tampon and also measures the amount so you can see how much you're bleeding) it wouldn't fit in; it would only go part-way up and then kept popping out and even with the tampons I can actually feel it up there( normally you can't and don't even notice there's something there) and it feels uncomfortable and at times even hurts and even without it at times when I sit down I can actually feel like there's something hard I'm sitting on, like a tennis ball or something.....is it a tumour, perhaps?

We also got our new car and it looks like a FBI car; black with tinted windows and my friend T from Ottawa joked we should get fake bullet-hole stickers and put it on the side of the car just for laughs, and one of my cousins who lives in Europe and his wife are now on holidays in L.A. where I lived for awhile in 1984 and it's not a good place to live due to the crime but it's a fabulous place to visit!

Today's Truth.

Oh, God, Not Again!!!!

This photo pretty much sums up how I feel right now: later yesterday the bleeding started up again and continues on today and it's bad, and it's not just cramps,either, but this is real pain but luckily I still have the pills to increase clotting and control the bleeding from the ER I got 2-3 weeks ago when I went in with the last massive bleed so it's still heavy but better than last time. I still feel like I'm going to faint though every time I stand up. Ugh. Between the profuse bleeding(as my doctor put it) the chronic daily and often acute pain and the debilitating fatigue that makes me feel like my body's shutting down and I'm fading away I really have this bad feeling that I have some sort of reproductive cancer, and I'm pretty sure it's spread to other organs now,too, possibly the bladder, colon, rectum, liver, and maybe even lungs( I've had this chronic cough for months now,too) and brain, which would also explain my increasing brain decline and forgetfulness,hallucinations, and seizures; maybe it's more than simply White Matter Decline?

I saw the Internal Medicine Specialist yesterday as well and he was more concerned about the bleeding than my GP or they were at the ER and he called it profuse bleeding and was shocked no one has referred me to a Gyno yet(and I told him about my suspicion I think I either have cervical, uterine, or ovarian cancer) and he said(his words) he's going to Write a letter to that Dr. M guy and request that he refer me to a Gyno. Oh, thank God! Finally! At last! I've only beeen begging him for the past 2 years for him to do so, only yo have him dismiss it and pass it off as just women things and it's part of being a woman and just something I have to live with even though I know my own body and I know it's NOT normal and something is wrong and I've had Aunt Flow long enough to know what it's supposed to be like for f*ck's sake....

This doc also agreed too to my request to have me tested for Von Willebrand Disease to see if I indeed do have the genetic blood clotting disorder(which I'll do once I get back from my trip) which I highly suspect due to my heavy bleeding for everything; periods, childbirth, surgery, dental extractions, bad bruising, slow healing cuts and bruises, etc. and I also remember my mother saying her mother( my grandmother) also nearly bled to death several times with her 12 miscarriages( she had due to her Rh-negative blood type, which several people on her side have, incl. some of my kids,too) and my mother's aunt and cousin also had prolific bleeding too and had their uterus removed in their 40's too and when the 23 YR old had toe surgery they were alarmed at the bleeding and asked her if she had a bleeding disorder and recommened she be tested so it really does make me wonder...

Doesn't it just figure though, I leave for Jamaica in just 3 days and this had to happen again now; just my "luck". The doctor was shocked,too, that I'd still go to Jamaica even with such heavy bleeding but this is on my Bucket List and I'm still going no matter what, even if I die trying.I might even develop blood clots from the clotting medication from sitting a long time on the flights too, so who knows, maybe I'll even die there, and if so, I hope it's on the beach watching the sun set under a palm tree, listening to the waves crashing on the beach; my Happy Place, listening to Reggae and smoking a Big Fatty.That's how I'd like to go.

I still remember that recent dream I had too warning me Something's coming. Be careful. Watch out. So what could it be? A cancer diagnosis perhaps? Buddy or I dying soon? An accident of some sort? An enemy threatening, perhaps my hubby trying to kill me or something? Some sort of natural disaster? Another trauma(which generally happens in May) but the fact I was warned to watch out and be careful indicates it's something I might be able to avoid and thwart if I'm cautious and watchful, like most likely an accident or other event that can be prevented?

Just in case it is near the end, as I often feel it is, this is the last photo I took, and it's of Buddy giving me a kiss.

Wordless Wednesday.

Today's Pondering.

Healing.

I saw this beautiful glittery butterfly and the thought occurred to me: This is what I hope to transform to in Heaven: beautiful and able to fly. Both my dreams would come true( along with my other dreams: to find happiness and love). I'd love nothing more than to be able to fly, to soar and just be free and to not be ugly. I wish I was beautiful, and to only hear the words I never will(or at least not in this lifetime) Wow! She's soooo beautiful! I just want to shine, to glitter, to be fabulous, free,glorious, breath-taking, gorgeous,shimmery, sparkly, everything I'm currently not but always wished I was and dreamed I could be.

My brother-in-law D is also always hassling me for always being so negative as well (but he's a drunk so he really can't criticize me for being negative) and I told him(like I always do) that I have a good reason for being negative; that my life has made me that way,and if he had to go theu even half what I have in life he'd be negative,too. If only people could walk in my shoes or even spend a day in my head then they would clearly see why I am the way I am and how it's hard to be positive when all you've ever gotten is the short end of the stick in life.

My friend P (from grade 6) and her BF are also in the Mexican Riviera for her late birthday celebration. They travel 2-3 times a year and he always takes her somewhere on a trip for Christmas and her birthday. He's a keeper. I can't believe in just 4 more days the ocean will be singing me to sleep as well and my friend M in Brazil said she doesn't think I'll have any abdomenal pain the entire time I'm in Jamaica,either; implying that maybe it's just stress-related, that my toxic life here with my family is causing all my physical ailments so it will be interesting to see. Maybe when I get away from the constant cause of stress I will "recover" and feel better for the week, sort of like every time I go back to Toronto, even if just for a day, I "transform" and feel like the Old Me again, I come alive and it feels like a new energy, a new life surges thru me and I almost feel reborn, away from this house, this place , my family, this toxic environment and all the stress. It's true that you can't heal in the same environment that made you sick. You have to separate yourself from a toxic environment in order to get well again; it's like living in a place with toxic mold and wondering why you aren't getting any better....

Musing For The Day.

Mama's Gone.

The other day I overheard the 12 year old ask, Where's Mama? (I was laying on the couch curled up in pain, trying to separate myself from it) and my hubby replied, Mama's gone and this hit me as summing everything up perfectly and describing what my life has become and what I've become:

Gone.

After a lifetime of traumas, pain, suffering, sorrow, abuse, struggles, bad luck, despair, trials, misfortune, tragedies, struggles with mental health and other health issues and limits,chronic daily pain, rejection, bullying, betrayal, hurt, devastation, crushed hopes and dreams, etc. I'm so broken and damaged that there's nothing left of me anymore. I'm just spent, all used up, reached my limit, broken, defeated, beaten down,given up, nothing left, done, just gone. I have nothing left to give, I'm all used up, all depleted, all dried up, and I continue to be lost to mental decline , mental illness, and physical decline. I'm no longer the person I once was with the abilities I once had. There's just a hollow empty shell left of who I used to be. 

I'm gone.

My family hates, resents,and blames me for my decline, for breaking so hard, for being so damaged, so broken, for being human, for being weak and having a breaking point, for giving up, for not being able to take any more or to go on any more, for falling apart, for cracking, for breaking, for being beaten down and destroyed by life, for having limits, for not being able to endure any longer, for fading away, for being gone, and I'm sorry but I held on and lasted as long as I could until I finally cracked and just couldn't do it anymore or go on any longer. I just wish they'd show me some simple kindness ,compassion, understanding,and forgiveness, and consider my situation and the burden of trauma, mental illness and other factors that destroyed me and broke me so hard, and to know that I always had good intentions and I meant well and I tried, but I guess in the end I could only take so much and something had to give and I could only endure for so long.

I miss the old me, the happy me, the gone me.

This is also the 12 YR old's build a science project. I think it looks like a bomb. He gets science projects like this sent once a month in the mail. It's also tragically sad about the fire at the Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris. I'm so glad I went there and saw it when I did. It's so sad, so historical.

Daily Thought.

Easter Feaster.

Our Easter Lily (who I named Miss Lily) has opened now, and just in time, as yesterday my mother "switched" our big Easter dinner (I always dub our Easter Feaster) in the diningroom a week early, because on actual Easter itself next Sunday I won't be here, but rather in Jamaica, even though I said I don't care, don't do it on my behalf, and it's not like I feel like I'm really a part of this family anyway, but nevermind, she still went ahead and did it anyway, my theory is because I'm the one that does all the clean-up after, clearing away the dishes(and as I was doing so my hubby loudly cracked in front of everyone at the table, incl. guests my father-in-law and the 17 YR old's friend, and called me Waitress, to which I replied back, SUCK IT!!) and bagging all the left-over food, and likely didn't want to be left doing it herself if I was away. I truly doubt the motive was ever really about incl. me.

My mother also gave the 12 YR old his Easter chocolate, even though the chocolates and Easter egg hunt were still waiting for the kids until next week, on actual Easter at their request, and when I saw it I noticed it was mine, and not even his, so I took it back. They're always doing that,too, giving my stuff to someone else. Then she tries to blame my hubby saying that's the one he gave her to give to him, even though I heard him tell her that one he picked out for me. She never owns up to anything, ever. After Mass yesterday the priest also asked how I was and I told him I'm going to Jamaica next week and he asked who else is coming with me and I said, No one, just me....I'm going on my own....that's the best travel ever.....I'm going to get a break.....why would I bring them with me? With the palm fronds we got for Palm Sunday yesterday the 12 year old also thought I was collecting them to build my own palm tree as he knows it's my fave. tree. :D

I woke up as well with every muscle in my body really sore and beyond wiped-out exhausted and it made me wonder if maybe I might have had another seizure during the night again, as it would explain it, it felt like I had an intense workout and before I fell asleep Buddy was also very agitated and kept jumping on me and whimpering and slept glued to my leg,too, so maybe he could sense something was coming on?I also notice I wake up during the night with Night Sweats as well. It makes me wonder.... I also came across something called Fibromyalgia which incl. muscle aches, pain, incl. abdomenal, IBS, extreme fatigue, like I have so is it possible that maybe that's what I have and is causing all my issues? I see the doctor on Wednesday so I'll mention it to him. I keep trying to find out what it could be because the doctors can't seem to be able to figure it out.

Daily Laff.

Weekend Wisdom.