Art Lesson.

Idle Hours  by William Merritt

 

Wordless Wednesday.

 

Today's Truth.

 

What The Leaf Said.

Re-posted from my old blog:

Once or twice a little leaf was heard to cry and sigh,as leaves often do when a gentle wind is blowing and the twig said, “What is the matter, little leaf?” “The wind”, said the leaf,just told me that one day it would pull me off, and throw me on the ground to die.” he twig told it to the branch,and the branch told it to the tree.When the tree heard it, it rustled all over,and sent word back to the trembling leaf. “Do not be afraid”,it said,”hold on tight and you shall not go off till you are ready.”
So the leaf stopped sighing and went on singing and rustling.It grew all the summer long till October and when the bright days of autumn came the leaf saw all the leaves around it growing very beautiful. Some were yellow,some were brown,and many were striped with different colors.Then the leaf asked the tree what this meant.The tree said,”All these leaves are getting ready to fly away,and they have put on those colors because of their joy.”
Then the little leaf began to want to go,and grew very beautiful in thinking of it.When it was gay in colors it saw that the branches off the tree had no bright colors on them, so the leaf said,”O branch! why are you lead-colored while we are all beautiful and golden?” “We must keep on our working clothes”, said the tree,”for our work is not yet done; but your clothes are for holidays,because your task is now over.”
Just then a puff of wind came, and the leaf let go without thinking and the wind took it up and turned it over and over.Then it gradually fell gently down under the edge of the fence, among hundreds of leaves,and has never waked to tell us what it dreamed about.

 

NOTE:
This is a lovely story which speaks to me about death and dying, in a beautifully illustrated way of hope and promise.When it is our time, we will return Home.

 

Art Class.

Boating In Central Park  by Edward Henry Potthast.

 

Daily Truth.

 

No Sunflowers?

Every time now my hubby goes out for over the past month I've asked him to look for and pick up a bouquet of fresh sunflowers for me but he always returns home empty-handed, claiming they never have any anywhere or that it's not the season which I know isn't true because my own sunflower and the neighbour's have come and gone, yet still nothing, and last year at this same time my mother used to find them at the grocery store every week, once a week for over a month and bring them home, incl. the exact same stores he goes to, so I truly doubt that they never have any, and I suspect that he either doesn't even bother looking(because it's just something for me or because he knows it's something I love and he doesn't want me to be happy or do anything nice for me or that would make me happy or bring a bit of joy into my life) or he sees that they are there but he just walks right on by without picking them up and just tells me they're not there figuring I won't know the difference anyway because I rarely get out, because he's an asshole like that and I get suspicious of him and his motives and intentions because not only has my life made me suspiciious by nature and experience but also because he always does me wrong, lies to me, deceives me, mind-f*cks me, and goes out of his way to make my life miserable and to be a Verpisser. 

Everytime I sing aloud with a song the 13 and 17 YR olds also always yell at me to shut up, to stop singing and even to go kill myself,too, and even though I can't sing doesn't mean I won't and when the music hits me and I've got the music in me it just can't be helped and I won't let them kill my Reggae, my Rock & Roll, my vibe, or my joy,and they're always telling me to shut up and won't let me express myself or be me, but they can just SUCK IT, and who died and made them "boss" anyway? I'm a grown adult and I can do what I want and if I want to sing, I'll sing! It felt like a knife in my back too the oldest said I am a terrible person but then I felt better when he also said he still loves me no matter what I did in the past and normally I don't care what people think of me but when it's someone I love then I do. Today is also the third day in a row my stomach really hurts too and it feels like I got kicked in the stomach and the pain level is a 6 out of 10 on the pain scale and I wonder if maybe it's even some sort of cancer or something, esp. to hurt like this and for so long, perhaps stomach, liver, or pancreatic cancer, and how can I tell too if my darkened skin lately is from my suntanning or jaundice from my failing liver.....or maybe even a combination of both?

Yesterday the 25 YR old also made this delicious roast duck for dinner and he looked like quite the chef in the kitchen as he was preparing it( and duck isn't an easy thing to cook,either and you have to get it just right) and the preparation took almost as long as it did to cook it but it turned out nice and tender, moist and juicy and even I liked it whereas before I never really liked duck and remember it as greasy and having a "wild" after-taste but the way he did it it was good!I was also surprised he'd never heard of South Africa's former Apartheid segregation system between Blacks and Whites before either and so I educated him on the racist policy and I can remember when I was young, just 18 or so attending anti-Apartheid rallies and protests, and as a young writer having articles published in the paper about the topic and even having a specially-made shirt for the cause, and boycotting goods from South Africa such as fruit,etc. in protest; always an activist. My hubby also has this week off too, either more holidays or for all the overtime he's done lately and I just try to stay away from him to avoid conflict by either being outside( unless it's cold or raining) or in another room,  and Buddy did another diarrhrea on my bedroom carpet last night too and had a tiny drop of blood in his merde this morning,too, and he's also the only one I've ever really been able to look right into the eyes,too; with everyone else I have to avert my gaze(it's an Asperger's thing) as looking people in the eyes makes me feel REALLY uncomfortable and awkward and it's also not uncommon for people on the autism spectrum to form close bonds with animals though and to feel a closer connection with them than with people, and I hoipe too when I die that I'm like an autumn leaf, just gently,and quietly let go and have a gentle breeze carry me off silently.

 

Musing For Today.

 

My Message.

This is what I think of the Corona Virus, the so-called "pandemic", forced mask-wearing, fear-mongering, quarantine, isolation, social distancing, State-mandated anything, vaccines, the New World Order, lockdowns, etc. and this is my message to all of that shit, and also to my hubby,too as yesterday he was watching an analagy of a chess game on TV with the Google Chrome casting over from the laptop computer in the livingroom and I was over on the other side listening to music on the Google Home device, each of us doing our own thing but in the same room and I don't like ads and commercials and the like so with the Google I figured out I can just skip them by saying Google, next like you would when you want to skip a song and go to the next one so that's what I always do whenever an ad comes on as I just want to hear the music, not the commercials, so I did that, same as I always do....only instead it skipped what he was watching by mistake and he was furious even though I didn't know it would do that and didn't mean it to; I was just trying to skip the ad on my device but he was raging at me and screaming and really ripping into me how stupid I am , how retarded I must be and putting me down and being condescending because I don't know how things work (as if I can help it I'm not tech-saavy) just being an overall asshole and bully over an honest mistake and making some remark about do I like  it that he 'has' to keep yelling at me (because I'm always so stupid and keep doing stupid things all the time) and I told him that I'm used to it since he does it all the time....so this Up Yours!is for him,too. I'm just so sick and tired of his abuse and he just looks for every little excuse to put me down and treat me like shit.

F*ck him.

Buddy didn't have any more blood in his shit today so hopefully it was just something he ate and yesterday I also did find a piece of garlic on the carpet too (which is toxic for dogs!!) and he's always eating crap off the floor which makes him sick so maybe it was that, and with the sore on his face( he's had since last July; it just doesn't heal even though I'm meticulous cleaning it, disinfecting it and putting antibiotic cream on it) he also has this thick black scabby crusty thing on and around it I wonder might be a cancerous lesion but could also just be an infection since it oozes pus and it's even eaten away at his face,too and pieces of his face have all rotted away and fallen off and it's just so gross and looks so painful, yet he still lets me clean it as if he somehow knows I'm helping him and it probably feels better afterwards. Today is also supposed to be our last summer-like day of 26 C and sunny and tomorrow it drops down to a more seasonal 13 C and rain and for the rest of the week but it was good while it lasted and when I walk Buddy I just stand there and marvel at the neighbour's maple tree with it's beautiful hues of orange and red leaves and just stand there and look up at it like I used to do as a kid, soaking in the beauty and wonder of God's creation. I just remembered as well I forgot to put up my fall decor on the outside balcony of the scarecrow and leaves garland I normally do in early September but it's too late to do it now though as if I do it in October people will wrongly think I'm doing it for Satan's Day on the 31st instead of just for the fall season.

The 25 YR old also has a new prank at work where he hides these tiny little plastic babies ( the size of your thumb nail) likely novelties for baby showers to put on cakes as decor or in loot bags or wwhatever and hides them in various locations all over work, and just waits to see when they're found and what people say and how they'll react to it, and I saw an ad( it was in Vancouver, actually) at a bus stop from some horrible organization like Planned Parenthood saying The best gift you can give your first child is to not have any more kids; that is, to make them an Only Child, and me being  a Lonely Only Child can tell you that is complete and utter BULLSHIT!!! I was so lonely growing up and being an only child was one of my life's biggest regrets and I always wish that I had  siblings and I vowed young that I would never do that to my own  kids and I decided I would have lots of kids of my own one day so they'd have company for eachother, which I did.

and so I leave you with a little poem:

The roses are dead

The violets are rotten

I'm f*cking crazy

Or have you forgotten?

 

Thought For The Day.

 

The "God Thing."

Yesterday when the oldest sent me that e-mail threatening me to reveal family 'secrets" ( which really aren't secrets at all, just merely things that we don't "advertise" or go around telling people and that we hid from the kids when they were little as we wanted to shield them from adult trauma and stress, not wanting to burden, worry,and scare them, wanting them to be able to just enjoy being kids and to keep their innocence and to try and maintain as normal a family life as possible) he also tore into me for raising the kids in faith,too, with religion, to believe in God, to go to church, to have morals, ethics and values, or what he describes as brainwashed in a religious cult headed by an imaginary ghost and saying he's upset the way they were raised, that is, in religion, which really hurt me as to me my faith is the strongest and most important and meaningful thing that I have and that I have always  had all thru my entire life, and, the guiding force in my life, in fact, is the only  thing that has got me thru so much trauma and hardship in life and the only reason I'm still alive and here today and it's important to me to raise my kids in faith too, and to believe in, follow and worship God, and to be raised with a strong moral compass and to be able to make it to Heaven and as a mother also part of my duty; my vocation to raise Godly children; not only do I co-operate with God in creating  them and offering them life it is also my responsibility to raise them for Him and I did (as well as homeschooling which is also a part of that as well as for other reasons) and I did and now it wounds my heart to see that all but one has totally abandoned God  and not only no longer worship but no longer even believe  in Him anymore either and are now atheists and even go as far as to mock Him and religion and ridicule me  for my  faith, knowing how much it means to me and it breaks my heart and makes me feel like I've not only failed as a mother but like I also failed God  because despite my best efforts most of them have all turned away, although the "seed" has been planted so to speak and perhaps over time it can still take "root" and grow and God is known for miracles so maybe.....one day....and I continue to pray for them every day to come back to Him.....

As well, the oldest also said he had come into 7 figures and at first I didn't even know what that was and had to Google it; apparantly it means around a million $$$ and he didn't; it was just a ploy to try to get me to "confess" but I didn't even care about the $$$ and when he said that my first thought was actually, Ooh, good, now he can finally pay off his student loan! my biggest concern was when he said he was going to cut me out of his life, esp. since he's always been one I've felt closest to and everyone I've ever loved has always left me and I couldn't bear it yet again, and he really messed with my head yesterday and it really shook me up and I'm still rattled today. It was also 26 C yesterday and supposed to be the same today(yay! like summer!) and then start to cool off but I'm outside(still suntanning!) enjoying it while I can and I was right: The Beast didn't move and is still next-door,too: yesterday I heard it's distinctive bark and then I saw it in the window. Shit.

My mother also had a blood sugar of 16 and no wonder: she downs 6 big bottles of sugary Coke and 2 boxes of chocolate each week and I told her she shouldn't even be having that with her diabetes and no wonder she always feels like crap and then she tries to "justify" it as I need it! and I told her, You DON'T need it; you want it; there's a difference! and then she barked at me she doesn't need me telling her what to eat and what to do, etc. and I told her I'm just trying to keep her alive, and the 17 YR old said I should put Buddy "down" because he's old and sleeps all the time( even though he still enjoys life; he still plays, goes for his walks, eats, enjoys being outside,etc) and I told her by her "logic" then I guess we should put "down" my mother too because she's old,too; nearly 80 and all she does is lay around in bed all day,too....

Speaking of Buddy, last night at 3 am I woke up with a feeling something was wrong so I checked him and he was grunting softly and kept gaping his mouth open and I picked him up and then he went limp and floppy like a rag doll and unresponsive in my arms and I was pretty sure that this was it....but then shortly later he perked up almost as if he was re-animated and plugged-in again or re-charged, so maybe he was just unconscious but my heart just sank and now I'm scared to sleep at night afraid he'll die during the night and I'll wake up and find him dead beside me in bed,and this morning his shits are back to normal turds( no more diarrhrea) but he still had a bit of blood at the end when he clamped it off but not mixed in with the shit itself, so maybe he just has an anal fissure or something? I woke up out of a dream too hearing the words and with the impression of cancerous lesions on the liver but I'm not sure if it was referring to him or me as we're both so closely entwined and today my stomach does really hurt too( not nauseated but hurts, like when you had a tummy-ache as a kid, or like when your waistband of your pants is too tight) which is in the liver area and I know I do  have liver issues so it could be referring to me...

I also finally tried the new KFC chicken sandwich and with tax it was over 7$ (we're always over-charged for everything in this country) and it was good( my hubby said it stinks, which he always says about my food as anything with spice or that tastes good he refers to as "stinky") I just took the pickles off because pickles are gross and even though we didn't even open or use the pool this season( even though it was sure HOT enough to swim every day practically we still had to close it, incl. draining the water level down half-way so it can freeze and turn to ice and  expand in the winter without cracking and damaging the pool so we had this long hose snaking down our driveway for hours draining water out down into the sewer grate on the road in front of our house using the pump, sort of like you'd do if your basement was flooded.

 

How I Feel.

This is how I'm feeling right now. With depression, bipolar and my brokenness due to trauma I'm often on the edge teetering close to suicide normally, and like Albert Camus famously  quouted, Your greatest achievement each day is deciding not to commit suicide. But now everything's all just so overwhelming  all at once,  from someone I love dearly telling me what a terrible person  I am and threatening to cut me out of their life, and worrying that someone else that means the world to me(and also the only one that loves me) doesn't have much time left but also knowing at the same time that I can't survive  without  them because they are my entire life and meaning in life, plus being confronted with and forced to face, remember, re-hash and re-live painful memories and  hurts from the past, along with all the guilt and remorse that comes with it.....

....and while also having no hope for the future, feeling hopeless, and being uncertain what God wants from me in the form of worship; public organized religion(and if so, which one?)  or my own  personal spirituality privately, and knowing that I'll never find happiness or love this side of Heaven and being fed up with the emerging New World Order and my resistance to it and refusal to live enslaved by the mandates of the State, etc...

These photos perfectly explain how I feel right now.

 

Today's Truth.

 

Dreams And Revelations.

I had some strange dreams and revelations lately:

One of the dreams a proper old British gent sat down beside me on a bench at a park and said to me I hear Geneva is nice this time of year and then he just picked up his newspaper and got up and walked away! I also had another one where I head someone gasp and clearly say to me, Faiza! What have they done to you? even though that clearly isn't my name, at least it isn't now, but it might have been in another lifetime perhaps, who knows? I assume they were referring to either my family or my life that broke me  and damaged me so hard although I suppose I'll never really know for certain.

I also had a startlting revelation the other day too that in Heaven  when we have spirit bodies (as opposed to the physical human bodies we have now here on Earth) that we don't have gender; that we are what they would call gender fluid  or Non binary as the need for gender( male or female) is only necessary here on Earth in physical bodies in order for reproduction but in the spirit world there is no reproduction so there's no need for gender and so no need to separate, divide, and label people by gender, as male or female; you're just you, and that the angels are the same; they are genderless,too, as is God and that explains when it states that God made manin His image; he made them male and female and by referring to Himself as plural, such as We. Boy, I have to say that that one really blew me away! I never saw that one coming but it just goes to show why we are to love and accept everyone, regardless of gender or identity and not to discriminate, because we all come from God and regardless of gender (or lack of) we are escentially all the same on the inside.

I also heard the new Bruce Springsteen song Letter To You  and I have to say that I wasn't impressed even though I normally really like his music but this one was disappointing and sounded alot like a Bob Dylan-style and the other day the 25 YR old had his shirt on inside-out( yes, it was that  kind of day) and my mother often wears hers inside-out and even goes  out in public  like that, totally oblivious, and I often wear my underwear like that,too, but at least no one else sees it, and today Buddy did more gross smelly diarrhrea on my bedroom carpet again during the night ....ewwwwww.... and was still bleeding when he shit this morning for his walk, and even more than yesterday and it really worries me as bleeding is a sign of cancer although I know it can also be other  things too( like me when I had my colon polyp and was squirting copious amounts of blood out of my ass) and my oldest sent me an e-mail as well asking me to justify certain things from his childhood too , things he remembers growing up, a painful and difficult time I'd rather forget, although he also doesn't have the entire story and know the true extent of everything that occurred,either; the entire experience and how truly awful and unbearable it really was and how difficult decisions had to be made, decisions that no one should have to make but  had to be done but that were best for the family and he'll never truly know what it was like and has only heard and only remember bits and pieces of the story because he was so young and will never truly understand what I went thru but I will do the best I can to try and explain it to him although he will never truly know or understand because he was for the most part shielded from the worst of it and I bore the brunt of the worst of it so he(and the other kids) wouldn't have to. I pray to God daily to forgive me for my sins and I can only hope that the kids will as well.

 

Art History.

Fishing Boats  by Antonio Pietro Martino

 

My Favourite Moments.

These are my favourite moments; just cuddling and snuggling with Buddy. During the night he also did a gross smelly diarrhrea on the carpet in my room(and I had to open the window and burn incense to get rid of the smell) and this morning he was bleeding out of his ass at the end of his shit and now he even has a big blood stain all down his ass. He's also making this funny wheezing sound as he's breathing which worries me. It's times like this(and lately) it worries me he doesn't have too much time left but then he "picks up" and he's back to his usual self; it takes my poor heart on an emotional roller coaster ride.I've endured alot of trauma and survived lots of things in my life but I know the one thing I can't bear would be losing Buddy.  I looked in his eyes today too and saw Teeniea, my Chihuahua I got in 1979 when I was 12; I saw his face and wondered if he was somehow returned to me; if he'd reincarnated as a Dachshund; it was just so freaky and surreal...The 23 YR old's also on a plane right now on route to Vancouver to visit her sisters.

 

Daily Larf.

 

Words For The Weekend.

This one is for my hubby!!!!

I see, hear, and know way more than they think  I do......

Never too old!