Wordless Wednesday.

 

Chuckle For The Day.

 

Just Say NO!

Recently a Catholic school in the Toronto area has voted by the school board to NOT fly the Pride flag at their schools in June due to protests from parents and the parents even said if they did  that they would not allow their kids to attend school for the entire month of June in protest and I agree with them since it is a Catholic school and LGBT lifestyle is contrary to Church teachings and it would be hypocritical to fly the Pride flag, and besides, schools should NOT be endorsing any political agenda; school is supposed to be for education, NOT for political indoctrination. I have nothing personally against LGBT people and I think consenting adults should be free to do whatever they want as long as they aren't hurting anyone else but leave the kids alone. What I don't agree with is foisting this "idealogy" onto kids or shoving it in the face of society in general and down everyone's throats everywhere you go, and if it were reversed and it was religion instead of LGBT that the media, the gov't and society was so insistant on pushing onto everyone to accept, embrace, promote, etc. there would be a huge backlash and revolt and everyone knows it. Now some are even saying for the gov't to mandate,to force the schools to fly the flag, eerily like Nazi Germany forcing everyone to display the swastika flag, no freedom to decide for yourselves and a religious institution should have the right to follow God and NOT the world and not be forced to go along with being pressured by the world. They chose to be separate from the world for a reason. If people wanted that sort of thing (political and gov't indoctrination and propaganda and "Wokeness")then they'd send their kids to public school. it's really that simple.

This morning my hubby also dropped the car off to get the snow tires removed and the guys at the auto shop probably wondered why so late and our backyard gate just fell right off the hinges too,so now anyone or anything can just walk in, and I'm pretty sure I saw an American Oriole yesterday in one of our trees; it was mainly yellow with a black beak and black wing tips and tail, and it's supposed to be 30 C for the next 3 days as well and I found out that f*ck you  in Italian is vaffanculo and if you put an upside-down pineapple on display it's apparantly the universal sign to others that you're a "swinger" and my hemmoroid is also back again sticking out, only even bigger this time and really hurts and the oldest said he's going to be made supervisor at work and my mother asked him if he has a woman....or a man in his life( he said no; it's 'too expensive")  and asked him if there's anything about his life he "wanted to discuss" and she said she "tried" to clean her shit too but "kept falling asleep" (always some excuse) and my friend J( from grade 8) said we can call Community Services who can send a PSW over to bath and do self-care like they did for her brother but it costs $$$ we don't have so maybe we'll just have to take her to the hospital and they can transfer her to a long-term care centre? She said she likes her home and wants to stay here and said she doing ok here except she's  clearly not and it's more than we can handle or deal with.

Longing for what used to be.-The Offspring

 

Wednesday Words.

...and sunflowers and hippos.

My family.

COVID 19, anyone?

I just have to wait for Buddy to die first.

Every single day.

This is the end, beautiful friend This is the end, my only friend The end.-The Doors

 

My Goodbye.

My mother's manipulation tactic of making the kids worry and  think she's dying and telling them she has to say her "goodbyes"(when really she's just depressed and giving up) and pitying her and getting their attention worked because the 20 YR old  and the oldest called her today and she said once she hears from all the grandchildren she'll be "better" but I doubt it; it's just a tactic. She also claimed once she got a bedpan she won't pee and shit in the bed anymore and stink up the entire house anymore either and so we got her a bedpan but it stillmakes no difference; she still refuses to wear pants and she shits and pees in the bed and she lays and wallows in her own filth and even has shit all over her shirt and won't even make the effort to reach over to her bedside table for her drink or her meds either and even had me get that  for her,too, and this is really going too far and she either doesn't realize or doesn't care how it's affecting other people and she either needs to be admitted or committed somewhere ,either a hospital or a long-term care home (she doesn't want to go but we can't  put up with the smell and she needs more care than we can give her)because she refuses to care for herself anymore and I honestly don't know what to do and I don't know how to deal with this and can't cope. This is just beyond my ability and I have no more resources left in me,either, to be able to handle this and I honestly don't know what to do and I"m right on the edge and I told her she's going to drive me to suicide and I'm so stressed and overwhelmed too that I burned myself twice today cooking. She also said she "has a sore back" and I told her what does she expect when all she does is lay in bed all day and it's only going to get worse the longer it goes on.

Since my mother was saying her Goodbyes I decided I'll also say mine, esp. since I seriously don't know how much longer I can honestly take this or how much longer I can go on because this is pushing me over the edge but I'm sorry for being me and I never meant to hurt anyone, to be a "bad" mother, or to be annoying, or to make things worse, and I don't mean to be or want  to be a horrible person, and I'm sorry I'm never good enough and not good enough for my mother, for my kids, for my family, for society, for organized religion, for anyone,etc. and I can only hope that I'm good enough for God, and no one loves me or will miss me anyway and I know I'll see Buddy again soon on the Other Side and the only other thing I'll miss is the beauty of God's Creation and nature, and I hope they still have sunsets, trees, flowers, birds, etc. wherever I'll be going.My only "accomplishment" in life is having my kids but others would say even that's not an accomplishment and if I could go back and do it all over again I wouldn't as it wasn't "worth" it since it was just all for nothing and they just ended up hating me,anyway. 

I'm sorry for me being me and for never being good enough.

My walls are covered with pictures of you I fantasize that you are here in my room Most days I wake up just wanting to die But I still try.-Ozzy Osbourne

 

Daily Musing.

 

Fat Bastard.

Want a good laugh? Check out the actual name of the place the 16 YR old got his burrito from: Fat Bastard( like in Austin Powers!) and I remember once I got one from there at the airport too just before I boarded a flight and it cost something outrageous like 12$ but it was so big it lasted me for 2 meals. My mother also is having the grandkids phone her to say "one last 'goodbye'" as she thinks she's dying even though she's just depressed and given up and yesterday the 24 and 27 YR olds called her and the poor 27 YR old was so uncomfortable and awkward he didn't know what to say and there was mainly just uncomfortable periods of awkward silence(I was in the room at the time on the computer so I heard everything) and it made me feel sad and uncomfortable for him just hearing it and she told them to send her flowers,too; really over-the-top, and so far only the oldest and the 20 YR old haven't called her, maybe not playing that game, and the 24 YR old asked her too what she's most proud of in her almost 82 years of living too and she crooned the grandchildren, note she never mentioned me, her own daughter; she's never been proud of me even though it was me that gave her the 11 grandchildren and if it wasn't for me she wouldn't even have any grandchildren at all since I'm her only child, but I'm never acknowledged.I've never been anyone's favourite, either, until Buddy came along.

She also said how she's "like a mom to them" and a "parental figure" etc. which also hurt because it's only because she's over-stepped boundaries with my kids and swooped in and taken over, pushing me out of the way, and replaced me,and she said she sent her a birthday card last year as well yet can't be bothered to send me(her own mother!) one or even a Mother's Day card....and then they wonder why I feel like such an unwanted outsider in my family.I asked her how bad the pain in her knee is too on the pain scale from 1-10 and she said 10 "but Tylenol gets rid of it" and I told her then it's NOT a 10 as a 10 would be the worst level of pain, like labour or surgery pain and if Tylenol relieves it then it's NOT a 10; if it WAS then Tylenol wouldn't even touch it! As always she's just being dramatic and just wants attention and pity.She's really given up,too; she doesn't even watch TV anymore or listen to the radio.

  The 24 YR old also asked my mother what her biggest regret in her life was and she said her marriage and that it didn't work out and yet at the same time she asked her if her and her BF ever plan on getting married( they're just "shacking up" now) which she seemed nervous and taken-aback by and said maybe some day; they don't really discuss it but said she does want to get married and have kids some day, and the whole thing just made me feel really uncomfortable and uneasy as well and I also think it's mean to make the kids feel upset and worried like that too all for nothing; to make them think she's dying when she's really just being melodramatic like always. The fetid stench of her piss and shit everywhere has also given me a non-stop neverending headache now as well I can't get rid of and of course her staying permanantly in bed also doesn't address the problem of how she's going to bathe and clean herself,either,which is also not only going to be smelly but unhealthy and unhygenic,too, and and this is just all so overwhelming and stressful I really don't know how to handle it, how to deal with it,and how to cope. I wish it could all just go away.

and all I know is that tonight I might let go the line, let go the line.-Max Webster

 

Overwhelmed.

This is our kitchen sink, overwhelmed with dishes.

Just like my life.

That's exactly how I feel right now.

Overwhelmed.

Chaos.

I'm just so frustrated and fed-up with my mother.

I had to strip the covers off the couch and cushions after she'd pissed thru them and shit all over them and wash them and then she did the same thing to her bed and now the entire house reeks like a zoo and it's just soooo *DISGUSTING* my hubby and the 28 YR old gag and retch and dry-heave and have to cover their faces and can't even go anywhere near her anymore and she wallows in her excrement, not even getting up to go to the bathroom and I told her if her knee pain is that  bad she can't even stand up or walk then go to the hospital and if it's not bad enough to have to go to the ER then there's no reason she can't at least walk to the bathroom but there's always some excuse and I said we should just take her and have her admitted against her will and they can take care of her since she's not taking care of herself and then she had the nerve to say that we're NOT taking care of her!

Excuse me? 

I bring her food and check to make sure she takes her meds( which she doesn't and today's excuse was I can't find them; I don't know where they are) and I clean all the sheets and blankets and couch,etc(and I put my back out even more). she pees and shits all over, and my hubby and the 28 YR old have to lift, move,and carry her, and she says I "don't understand when you're dying you don't do the things you used to like sitting up, walking, going outside,etc...." and I told her she's NOT dying; she's just depressed  and given up and my hubby said we should call her doctor and tell her what's going on and seek her advice and then my mother shrieked I'm being so 'mean' to her and just trying to "get rid" of her sending her to the hospital but if she wants to die she can do it there and she can stink it up there instead of here. She doesn't wear any pants either and her bare shit-caked ass is visible and she has a bad yeast infection/diaper rash  now,too, from laying in her own waste. She needs intervention.

I also thought this was cute on a box my delivery came in; look, it says Just open me already! and I decided to post this extra now because I needed to vent and it can't wait until tomorrow. I'm just so frustrated, angry, and overwhelmed; I can't keep doing this and I'm just done. If she's given up then so have I. If she wants to just lay there and die there's nothing I can do but it's NOT acceptable to stink up the entire house and have it affect the rest of us.We have to live here,too. Her blanket had so much shit on it too I had to even take it outside and hose it off to clean it before tossing it in the washing machine and the second-oldest and the 25 YR old phoned her to say "goodbye" too and the second-oldest said she wants to have a baby but not get married( even though they sort of go together) but she's running out of time since she turns 33 this year and the best of her fertility years(in your 20's) have long passed.

I tried the new shwarma place ,too, and asked for chicken but it definitely wasn't; it was either pork or beef as it was all dark meat and thick and more "grainy" so it was gross and I was disappointed(after being excited and looking forward to it; the story of my life) but I just hope it wasn't pork because my stomach already hurts so bad it feels like it's going to explode and my colon does not tolerate pork and I also have pain under my left rib that feels like something's "stuck" under there and also sort of like a "stitch" in my side but sharp so I wince and suck in my breath and now my mother refuses to leave her bed I can't nap there in the downstairs bed anymore(I used to nap there when she got up as it's hard for me to go up and down stairs) and have to go up 3 floors and I always get so winded and out of breath and I'll probably end up having a heart-attack but no one cares as long as it's not my mother and it's just me.

The Waiting is the hardest part.-Tom Petty.

 

Today's Pondering.

 

Sassy Sausage.

Yesterday my sassy little sausage was so hot he was really panting and his tongue was hanging out so I had to put him inside where it was cooler and this morning at 5 am he suddenly jerked up and made a funny noise and then gasped and went limp for a few seconds and I was so afraid I was losing him but then he came back but I really don't think he has much time left and when he dies so do I because he is my entire life and my only reason for living and I can't take any more crisis either; I don't have it in me to weather another storm or to fight anymore, and I'm not sleeping well now either I have so much overwhelming anxiety, worry, fear, change, and uncertainty, and yesterday my hubby took the 16 YR old to the clinic for his baaad cough but of course it was closed so he went to the hospital and they had to wait forever but they never even did a chest X-ray and the dumb doctor just dismissed it as "allergies" even though he's never had allergies before and the cough came after his cold and he just gave him an antihistimine. Everyone and everything here is just soooo half-assed! Today is also child # 8's 24th birthday

After spending 3 days on the couch( not even getting up to go to the bathroom) my mother is finally back in her bed but she peed and shit thru the entire couch and was laying in her own waste and flith( ewwww!!!) and and it soaked right thru and now the entire living room stinks like cat piss and it's so disgusting  my hubby and the 28 YR old had to wear masks and can't even go near it and I had to strip it and do extra laundry and even spraying the room the smell still permeates and it stinks like a zoo, and she's even worse than an animal as even animals don't go to the bathroom where they sleep and there's no excuse for it; she can at least get up to go to the bathroom and now she says she's never leaving her bed and she told the grandkids to phone her and to "say their goodbyes" and the 21 YR old actually did, even though she's just being overly-dramatic like she always is, and this morning she was laying there on her back, splayed out with her mouth open and I said, Are you dead? and she croaked, Not yet... She's obviously depressed and just given up but she denies it and refuses to mention it to her doctor so there's really nothing I can do  so if she wants to die then what can I do,but it's just beyond disgusting  though that she shits and pees everywhere, and she can't even use the "guilt trip" on me that she wiped my ass and fed me as a baby so now I "owe" her and have to do it for her because she didn't as I was farmed off to daycare from when I was just 6 weeks old and strangers fed me and wiped my ass, not her.Besides, one thing I won't do is wipe someone's ass. I did it with my own 11 kids but now I'm done.

My hubby also saw the 27 YR old's engagement ring( he was also at the anime convention) and said I "wouldn't like it" and said it was red so must be a ruby and I said not necessarily; it could have been a garnet; so was it a light red(ruby) or a dark red(garnet) and he said, It was red(that's no help) and when I asked why wouldn't I like it he said it was in the shape of a bat( the winged creature kind, not the baseball one) as always sinister and Goth, and it confuses me though as I thought he was identifying as male now and guys don't get engagement rings; girls do, so I can't figure it out, and I still don't know why the kids hate me or what I did and the 20 YR old would only always say You know why....except I don't and nobody ever tells me; is it simply because I'm autistic and bipolar( even though my hubby has issues too and they don't hate him for it) or because I made them go to church or didn't let them date until they were done high school as I wanted them to concentrate on their education and not be tempted by sin? I genuinely have no idea and it's bad enough they hate me and cut me out of their lives( and due to it I've detached as well) but to not even know the reason why makes it much worse.

“Never criticize me for something I can’t change.”

 

Thought For Today.

 

Swarovski.

Look what amazing find the 28 YR old got yesterday at a consignment store! Genuine Swarovski crystal! He got this entire set at an amazing discount! It's a clown, a jester, and something called Columbine( the only Columbine I've ever heard of is that tragic school in the USA that had that mass shooting years ago) that looks like Snow White  and a stage. He's always wanted Swarovski  and being that he cleans chandeliers for a living he's an expert on crystal and he was explaining to me that this has a high lead content which is what makes it shine a rainbow prism when the light hits it as opposed to diamonds which shine clear. When purchased new each piece easily costs over 200$ (and now for over 500$)and my BFF gave me the sunflower one( shown below) one year for a Christmas gift,too and I remember as a kid going into the swanky Birks jewellery stores looking at the pretty Swarovski crystal displays in awe. He also went to an art show and sat in the VIP area and was invited to a black-tie charity event today as well but it conflicted with his Dungeons & Dragons game he has with his friend group and he also has jiu-jitsu today as well. Yesterday I also saw the most beautiful deep bright brilliant red cardinal ever( the 28 YR old said it looked like a tropical bird) I wonder if he even knows how beautiful he is, and I saw him courting his girl,too(Milady, where are you?), and it was fun to watch as they sang to eachother far away on separate branches on the tree, slowly moving closer and closer and when they eventually ended up on the same branch together I cheered!  I also rescued a bumble bee that was trapped inside trying to find its way out using a glove and a dish and I caught it and released it  back outside.

The 16 YR old still has this really bad cough he sounds like a barking seal or a walrus and I'm worried it might be turning into bronchitis or pneumonia and he doesn't have the energy to stand up and walk much, just sit so I'm telling my hubby to take him to the walk-in clinic as he likely needs antibiotics, and my mother hasn't left the couch in 2 days, not even to go to the bathroom and she said she needs both my hubby and the 28 YR old to carry her to bed now(and she'll just stay there) as she won't stand up or walk as she doesn't want to have that pain again but both of them haven't been at home at the same time together yet and she said when the time comes, probably next month, she'll go to the hospital to die, and this morning Buddy was bleeding from his mouth and I could see it  coming from his gums and loose tooth and it would be weird if all 3 of us( him, my mother, and myself) all died together at the same time,too, but my hubby would be happy; he'd be rid of her and I and finally be able to sell the house like he wants, and we're almost done May( our bad luck month) and nothing horrible happened yet; we've almost made it but NOT "safe" yet, and just when you think you're "safe" is usually when it hits you, and I smelled gasoline the other day,too, and I like it as it brings back happy childhood memories of being at the cottage going on the lake in my uncle's motorboat.

I spent so much time Believing all the lies To keep the dream alive Now it makes me sad It makes me mad at truth For loving what was you.-Billy Idol

 

Sunday Stuff.

Ours has LOTS of them!

and I'm the passenger!

What is something I can’t have ? Love. Pure and simple. Saddest thing-Cathy Ogram