Today's Laff.

I Still Remember.

The 16 YR old claims she "forgot" all of our funny little games, songs, and rituals of her childhood that we used to do when she was younger and we used to be so close, things like Cuddle Time, Buttle, Fatheads, The Underwear head Club, Prince Dickweed, Cut The Mustard, I Spy...., Who Am I ?  Would You Rather? etc. I'm hoping though that she really hasn't forgotten but rather that she just pretends to. I, however, still remember and will never forget. Those were happy times. I miss those times. We were so close then when she was little. She was my littel Princess. I always wanted a girl like her that I could bond with, be close to, love to bits, delight in, etc. and I had her.....until she got older and grew away from me, became troubled and turned away, severing our bond and pushing me away, breaking my heart, because I always still loved her, and I still do. I never stopped.

Even as she was in the deepest darkest throes of her eating disorder and being self-injurous a couple of years ago I was still there, even when she pushed me away the most and was the absolute meanest to me I still refused to give up on her, because that's when she needed me the most, even if she didn't want me, even when it appeared everyone else was growing tired and weary and giving up, I wouldn't because that's what love is, and she got thru it, we all did, with the grace of God. She's in recovery now but our relationship has never gone back to what it once was even though I still long for it and I keep trying to reconnect. It feels like an empty hole left in my heart. I miss it. I miss her. I will always remember and I will always love her and be here for her and support her and she will still always be one of my favourites but I still remember. I still remember(and cherish) what we had even if she forgets or claims to forget. I never will. I will always carry the happy memories in my heart.

Now the kids have all pushed me away I have also noticed I've "re-defined" myself and see myself differently now than I used to in the past, such as on my Facebook profile; I used to describe myself as a Homeschooling mother who likes hippos, has a European heart, sorrowful soul, and a Rasta spirit but now I have edited it as : Loves hippos. European heart, sorrowful soul, Rasta spirit. Bipolar. Free-spirit. Rebel. Warrior. Survivor. I no longer identify myself along with my kids and family since they push me out and I'm not welcome in my family or considered a part of it, now I see myself as more of an individual, speparate from my toxic family and I think that's a good thing and a sign of detachment and healing.

Today's Thought.

The Servant.

My mother was complaining how the 24 YR old was mad she kept telling him to do the garbage even though that's his job, etc.... and I told her he was probably mad that she treats him like a servant and that he's NOT her servant and she looked shocked and actually goes, He's NOT? What is he then? and I told her Your grandson! and she just blinked and looked at me blankly and went silent, not knowing what to say. That pretty much sums it up though; she thinks everyone is her own personal servant though, she always has. She has the kids bring her food and drinks all the time, for example, to fetch it from the fridge because she's too lazy to go get it herself (that's something I've never done and will never do, make the kids my slaves; I've always put my own pop in the fridge, for example and get my own drinks from the fridge) my hubby makes them put his pop in the fridge,too. The 12 YR old is her main slave but she does it to the others,too. The other day none of her slaves were home so she asked my hubby to get her a drink from the fridge(she knows better than to ask me because she knows I'll say something like What am I, your slave? Get up and get it yourself! The last time I checked laziness isn't a disability!Just because you have a hole in your arse doesn't mean you're crippled! and he refused; he's just like her,people serve HIM, not the other way around, and so I eagerly watched with bated breath to see who would "win"(they both battle for dominance)and when he returned without her drink she said NOTHING (odd for her) knowing she had lost and sulked her way into the kitchen without a word and got it herself! HA! If she's sick or had surgery or something that's different I help out but not just because she couldn't be bothered and she's always bossing the 24 YR around and, in fact, the only time she even speaks to him is if she's ordering him around to do somthing.

It's the same whenever we're out anywhere, like you should see how she treats airline staff, cruise staff, hotel staff, etc... it's embarrassing. She's very demanding and thinks she's the Queen or something and seems to think because she's old that she deserves special service or something but hey lady, guess what, esp. on the cruise most of the passengers are old, you're NOT the only one, and most of them are rich,too, so why would you get priority over everyone else? I read this article the other day about narcissists (I don't even know if I spelled that right; it's a trick word to say and to spell) and it described both her and my hubby perfectly; people that only think about themselves and never take responsibility for anything and always put the blame on others and use others for power and control acting superior when really it's covering up for deep feelings of inferiority and it often comes from growing up in alcoholic or dysfunctional homes of some sort. I guess it does make sense but it's still really hard to live with. 

Pondering For The Day.

All Gone.

It's a sad sight: the pool is now closed. The pool guy came yesterday and closed it up for winter. My mother said it was too expensive to keep it up and running ( water and electric) and I was the only one who used it anyway( and anything just for me isn't worth it as we all know because I don't matter or count in this family or at all) and it was just a waste of $$$$ and she had to "make up" the 500$ that one of the kids stole from her somehow. It just looks so sad, abandoned and alone now. it also signals the end of summer which is also a sad sight to see. It's 20x 40 feet which is an impressive size ( the pool guy said it's the biggest pool in town!) yet somehow it seems to look much bigger with the cover on it for some reason.

I was also woken at 4:30 am  with horrible abdomenal pain so bad I truly thought something either must be obstructed or rupturing; it was the kind of pain that just takes your breath away and you can't even move and makes you break out into a sweat. It lasted for an entire hour. I also have bad diarrhrea for the past 3 days too, and I mean this is real disrrhrea; pure liquid that just squirts right out and I'm getting dehydrated too; really dry "cotton mouth" and really thirsty. I still have pain now too and am really sweaty and also feel dizzy, faint and nauseated and I almost did faint yesterday actually. Today and for the next 4 days my hubby and kids are also away in Toronto at the Ex and FanExpo so I get a nice break for a few days and can smoke my doobies and blast my music and do whatever I want without being hassled.

My cousins went from San Francisco to Santa Monica as well and are now in Orange County and I presume will make their way to L.A. (I mean, how can you go to California and NOT go to L.A?) and fly back home to Europe from there, and I finally got a surgery date for my hysterectomy,too: 7 November, and Buddy was chasing the chipmunk up in my mother's room this morning too and emerged licking his lips but I don't think he actually caught it as there wasn't any blood anywhere, thank God. Being a Dachshund his hunting instinct is strong but it's not something I encourage him to do. I tell him to leave the poor little thing alone and to just let him live his life; he's just trying to survive like the rest of us.

Wordless Wednesday.