Life With My Hubby.

I found this on Quora and it perfectly describes my life and how I feel and how it feels living with my hubby the narcissist.

Rising Above Narcissism

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Answered by 

Lori Green

3h

What are 30 facts in a narcissistic home?

Here are some facts:

1. Everyone, except the narcissist, will walk on eggshells every moment of every day to avoid getting into an outburst.
2. Every birthday party, holiday, or celebration will be ruined, either before you leave or on the way there because it's not about them.
3. If you put your attention elsewhere, they can't handle it. So, you'll be screamed at or shamed in some way for paying attention to someone else's happiness.
4. They feed off your pain, embarrassment, and tears.
5. You'll look at them, begging them to understand and show compassion or empathy, but they won't. You can see it in their eyes; they don't care, and it empowers them.
6. You'll want them out of the house, but you'll also crave their presence when they're gone.
7. While they're home, you don't want to be near them, but their presence somehow comforts you. You'll hide in your room while they are in another room, hoping they'll see you, but they won't.
8. You'll constantly wonder if you're good enough each day. Yesterday you were happy because you felt good enough, but today you're sad because you don't. Nothing you do will be good enough.
9. You'll become addicted to something just to escape the pain of feeling worthless. You'll feel like you can be thrown away at any point.
10. You won't have access to money unless you hide it around the house. You'll feel like you're slowly burning from the inside out. You'll cry, staring at the wall, trying to figure out why your feelings are wrong. You'll feel like a defeated robot sent to please them.
11. You'll hide when you hear their car pull up, getting knots in your stomach. You'll be blamed, targeted, lied to, manipulated, and told to get a life when you do.
12. Their family and friends won't like you; they'll think you're worthless. They'll tell the narcissist to get rid of you. You'll constantly wonder if they'll come home happy or mad.
13. You'll start to mimic their traits because you're lost inside. You'll beg for them to be removed from your life. You won't get a full night's sleep. You'll be responsible for everyone's emotional well-being in the house, neglecting yourself.
14. You'll be ignored for days or weeks, as if you're not even there. Then, everything is forgotten and swept under the rug until the next time you upset them. You'll lose sight of your hopes and dreams and doubt every move you make.
15. You'll never have someone meet you in the middle, no compromising. You do what they want, how they want, when they want. Your needs are neglected and insulted. You'll end up feeling crazy, lost, depleted, confused, and helpless. Love isn't supposed to feel like this, is it? They want you to stay like this, as long as you stay, it will be this way, forever.

 

Daily Truth.

 

Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow.

Yesterday I visited my mother and I also found 3 sunflowers for 5$ and one even came with a bee on it ( even my hubby said that wasn't bad and he grouses that I "spend 1K a year on flowers") from a farm roadside stand on the way back and they're just huge; gigantic, with the faces the size of dinner plates and they're so big and heavy and well, even more so in the big  Blue Mountain pottery vase and full of water it even started tipping over but luckily I noticed it in time and had to put a barbell in front of it to keep it from falling over! My mother desperately wanted me to cut her hair but I purposely "forgot" to bring my scissors because I didn't want to get hair all over my new shirt but she had other ideas and asked a nurse if she had scissors and she only had the blunt bandage scissors so I had to still end up cutting her hair anyway (guilted into it)and it was hard; they didn't cut well at all; they weren't sharp and it was like trying to cut using those plastic scissors they use in Kindergarten but I somehow managed (it just took alot longer)and it ended up all jagged as a result but turned out kind of cool in the end because it was sort of spiky and "Punk!"  We also all picked up cold summer treats: I got a chocolate milkshake, she got a vanilla iced coffee,and my hubby got a vanilla ice cream cone. She also said she thinks it's cruel too that the kids don't even bother to call me or e-mail me on my birthday or on Mother's Day and that the 25 YR old didn't stop by to see me over Christmas when she visited her and she has no idea why they act like that.

One of the simple pleasures in life I enjoy too is washing my hair. I love the feeling as the creamy shampoo rubs in my head and cascades down my back and the warm water swirls all around and yesterday flies were eating out Buddy's ass(he had a "dingleberry" stuck to it) while he slept and he never even woke up and I thought I was going to gag, and now the 28 YR old and his fiance are sharing an apt. but I just hope people don't mistake them for a gay couple and harrass them or anything because from the outside it looks  like it's 2 guys living together even though it's really actually biologically a guy and a girl, and all this week it's supposed to be really hot again as well; in the 30 C range but feeling like the high 30 C's or low 40C's and today it's even hazy from the wildfire smoke all the way from the West coast, and I don't think it's right or fair either how Russia was banned from the Olympics due to the conflict in Ukraine yet Israel is still allowed to compete despite their genocide and war crimes in Gaza. Russia said though that they're glad they're not there with the obscene, degenerate and blasphemous opening ceremony they had the other day and want no part of the "decadent West."

I don't blame them.

Yesterday when I sprayed the bug repellent on it also took off the nailpolish on my toenailsand I saw a commercial before the news for that lame-ass show The Bachelorette too and the girl looks like such a bitch and she makes out with all the guys as well taking them for a "test drive" so she's also a big 'ho and I can't believe that some people really actually watch that shit, and when I said how I love diving deep under water and skimming my belly along the bottom of the pool or looking at fish and coral in the sea with my goggles on  and love the comforting feeling of water all around me my hubby said he's the opposite and he'd  just feel sheer panic and fear like he's drowning and about to die. I feel like I'm a fish or a mermaid and was practically born in the water but he won't go anywhere near it. We're opposites in so many ways. He also wants to buy a pickleball machine that "throws" balls at you that you practice hitting(like that tennis ball machine) but it costs over 400$ and he thinks I "waste" $$$ and the meanest thing he's ever said to me was that time he snarled in my face, No one likes you! Even your own kids can't stand to be anywhere near you and you don't have any friends! You only have a dog for a friend! which I think was cruel and hurtful but Buddy is all I need though and the best friend I could ever ask for, and I had to become someone else to survive and my family hates me for it but I have good reasons for everything I did.

I just can't always disclose why.

It’s never been my intention to hold myself apart from others. It’s just what I learned to do from a young age for self-preservation.-Vicky Green

 

Today's Thought.

 

Bok Choy!

HA! This made me laugh! It reminds me of that bok choy joke my BFF and I had back when we were in grades 6 and 7 that she made up I wonder if she still even remembers it?(You had to be there). Now the birds and squirrels have also pretty much eaten all the mulberries off our trees but luckily for them the black walnuts are ready now but we didn't get that many this year for some reaosn, and I heard a radio commercial too saying "It's almost  back to school!" when we still have a month of summer left, and I saw  a photo of Trump at a rally and his ear is miracously healed after supposedly having part of it blown off being "shot"(it's a miracle! Hallelujah!) so he must be like a lizard and it grew back, and Israel bombed yet another school in Gaza again and killed over 30 people and injured over 100, and this was another so-called "safe" refuge where people were seeking shelter and they continue to bomb Yemen and Lebanon,too, wanting to start a war.Seriously though, what will it take  before this genocide is stopped? I also tried to get the California radio station yesterday and this weird alarm blasted and it loudly said, This station is not available in your country!  (or shithole in our case)even though I've been listening to it for over 3 years so I don't know what that was all about.

Get a load of this: look at all of the moles I have on my legs( and also on my arms) from the sun! Interestingly I only have them in the summer when I'm out in the sun tanning and in winter most of them fade away. I have so many I look like a spotted leopard and could play Connect-The-Dots! HA! I still laugh too remembering as a kid telling my cousin about how they had so many horses at camp and he asked how many and I enthused, Thousands! and he laughed in obvious disbelief, Thousands?  and laughed  and I said, Well, alot more than 10! and when I die and get cremated I bet I'll feel like a piece of pottery getting fired up in the kiln and my "cremains" will probably even smell like weed,too. I also always thought that being molested and bullied  as a kid didn't really affect me too much until I later found out I have personality disorders so I guess it really did. The 29 YR old also thinks him having 4-5 drinks at 'Da Club is "normal" and not too much "One every hour" he puts it but I think it's alot and he's an alcoholic; I think 1-2 would be about average.

I also heard online yesterday about the awful, inappropriate, even Satanic opening ceremonies at the Paris olympics( and someone even quipped we "should have let Hitler keep France; it "wasn't worth liberating") opening mocking Jesus, Christianity and the Last Supper, being blasphemous, degenerate,even a Satanic ritual, and I even saw a photo of some guy with his balls hanging out! People are so mad they're boycotting the games now,too, and sponsors are even pulling out and Christians and Muslims are in an uproar because He is one of  their prophets,too.I never watch it anyway, but that's JUST AWFUL and just goes to show who really rules the world today, Sad,too. They don't even bother to hide it anymore,either.I saw on the news this 3 year old went missing after a family trip to the park and was found dead drowned in a river and his family just recently immigrated here( from Ethiopia or Somalia, somewhere like that) last month or so,too, and his mother's prego and it's just so sad. I also realized my mother's kinda racist(that's just the way she was) and we never even realized: growing up when someone would ask things like, Is he Black? or Was she Chinese? she'd answer, No, just regular, meaning White....and that got me thinking,so if "regular" is White then that must mean anyone NOT White is "irregular?"

Yup, racist. Sorry.

I will never stand in the shadows again. -Kure Garba

 

Laff For The Day.

 

One Day At A Time.

Look at this! You can clearly see the details on one of our vine leaves. I was able to get such a good shot as the sun was shining right thru it. I also noticed that Mr. Sunflower  has his first bloom of the season and I also saw the creepy teacher across the street with a big red can of gasoline and I wondered if he was going to arson something but then I saw he just filled up his lawnmower and then he attempted to cut his grass and he hardly ever does so it was really long and it kept all clogging up and stopping and he had to keep pulling on the stringy-thingy to re-start it, getting madder and madder, yelling, C'mon! Uggghhh! and then finally F*CK YOU!! and just dragged it to the driveway and stomped off in a fury....and then I saw something inspirational; a neighbour  with a ride-on tractor mower came by and did it for him (as he stood there, furiously crossing his arms and just glaring angrily at his lawn) which I thought was nice but then he didn't even bother to thank him(I'd be so grateful I'd practically be bowing down and kissing his feet!) and then after he left he patted himself on the back! That guy really is an asshole! I was also sitting out on the back porch later hitting the bong when some dirty bird flew by overhead and shit on my head and later on more neighbours were also out cutting their grass(I just love the smell of freshly cut grass but my allergies not so much) and I heard one guy curse, Oh, f*ck!  and I just love the sounds and smells of summer.

I also had this massive, just brutal headache all day yesterday as well and *nothing* would get rid of it no matter what; no matter how many Tylenols  and Advils  I gulped down and not even after smoking a Big Fatty and hitting the bong and smoking hash....nothing...I just ended up dizzy as f*ck and my eyes were so heavy I could hardly stay awake and my brain was "fried"....but I still had the headache but luckily( so far, anyway) when I woke up this morning it's finally gone,  and Buddy's so old now he  pretty much pees on his bed and blankets all the time now and I don't think he's even aware that he's done it so I just wash them with every laundry load but interestingly enough when he's with me in my bed he'll whine for me to lift him down to the floor so he doesn't pee in mine, and I think tattoos are also poetry in ink, and I heard some guy got a 7500$ fine just for hunting moose off-season too which I think is stupid and extreme; you get punished less for drunk driving!

I also heard the Alberta town of Jasper (I had a gerbil once as a kid I named Jasper!)half of it has been destroyed by wildfires and maybe, just maybe, if the gov't didn't give so much $$$ away to Ukraine and Israel to fund war they'd have more $$ to help combat forest fires here and there's over 400 wildfires in just BC alone but lucliky the kids are ok and it's not near any of them where they live in Alberta and BC, and I surprised myself too being able to figure out math!!! I only have 6 hashbrowns left with  a meal next time for the 4 of us when we normally have 8 ( 2 each) so I tried to figure out how to make it work and divide it equally and I was able to figure out if I cut the 6 in halves it would give me 12 pieces so that would be... what is 12 divided by 4 and I was like, Oh! I know that one! It's 3!  So I figure we each get 3 pieces(halves) which would end up equalling 1 1/2 full ones! Yay! I did it! I did a math! I also saw someone somewhere say that mothers never stop loving  their kids when they grow up estranged they just stop liking  them and that describes it just perfectly.

I felt the pain as if I were still that little girl and my heart broke for her. She never got love. She never got hugs. She was never told she was pretty, or smart.-Elliana Bowers