Daily Chuckle.

Wilted.

For the past 2 years my health has been bad and keep declining but for this past week I feel particularly wilted, like the sunflowers pictured here, all droopy, wilted, dead. I feel like I'm fading away and like I'm going to faint all the time, have bad abdomenal pain, headache, nap for 3-4 hours each day and still just want to do nothing but sleep, have zero appetite, feel weak like all energy has been sucked out of me, nausea, like I'm dissolving or disappearing almost, like the leaves of fall, all drying up, withering away and falling off. That's how I feel. I feel like I'm at the end-stage of a chronic illness and it feels like I'm just barely holding on and just waiting for a gentle breeze to come along and carry me off. I wonder if that really is  what's happeening and I'm going thru that process or I just have a virus although I don't feel sick like I normally do when I come down with something, but rather I feel weary, I feel like I'm fading, almost as if there's less and less of me each day, and almost as if something's taken over my body and slowly been sucking the life out of me and I feel like I'm slipping away, and the vivid dreams and visions are increasing as well, incl. a strange one that the UK is going to be at war(but with who is unclear, so perhaps a civil war?) and I was under the impression it has  something to do with Brexit and I keep seeing a baby girl in our near future, maybe my first grandchild ,perhaps?

I've felt sickly before but not quite like this; this is different and it's lasting a week and every day it feels like there's less and less of me all the time, as if I'm slowly just fading away I guess is the best way to describe it. In my dreams I also visit dead relatives and have amazing adventures in a different realm I keep returning to every time in my dreams so it does make me wonder.;maybe I'm in the end-stages of heart, liver, or kidney failure , or maybe I do even have some kind of cancer they haven't diagnosed or something? In any case, if so, I'm ready. I have been for a long time. The most surprising is my lack of appetite though; I just don't feel hungry or want to eat and normally I feel ravenous yet at the end of life stage it's perfectly normal for the appetite to shut down as the physical body prepares itself for death and it no longer has a need for nutrition. The good thing is though I lose weight.....finally.....

My cousins are also finally back home after an incredible 2 week North American vacation and long 12 HR flight and even with the 8 HR time difference they're still going back to work and school Monday and Tuesday (school starts up again here Tuesday too) which surprised me; boy, they're sure going to be tired; you'd think they'd take a week off before to adjust to the time change and I always personally find it harder going that way; East with the time hours ahead adjusting that way as opposed to going West and having hours behind what you're used to. Normally they just travel within Europe(stay at their villa in Spain in winter, for example) so it's only like 1-2 hour difference so no problem. I think everyone has a place, a country, they belong in  and feel at home and for me that's Jamaica! That's where I want to either die or if I can't arrange that ( not exactly within my control) I want my ashes brought back there and scattered along the beach in either Negril or Montego Bay. I also bet I'll die with my headphones on listening to music, with my dog cuddled up beside me, laying in the sun, with marijuana flowing thru my veins.

Larf For The Day!

Scotland forever!!

The Manicure.

This is what you get when you have short stubby anxiety-ridden bitten down nails but still want to look glam and feel pretty: when I was at the Ex I got a manicure. Well, not exactly what I thought I was getting, but that's the way life is when you're stupid, on The Spectrum, and misunderstand things easily. So I walked by this vendor which was a portable nail salon and they had all the shiny glitzy sparkly nail stuff and I'm just like a crow like that, attracted to shiny glittery things, ha, ha, so of course I went straight over and the sign said manicure for only 20$ so of course in my head I thought Oh, wow, only 20$ What a great price! Better than the 50$-60$ I usually pay! I'm going to go for it! and so I inquired and asked them and they said the shellac/gel thing lasts 2-3 weeks, same as my usual I've had done, and so I select a colour, a pretty glittery pink/purple and get all excited and away I go......

thinking I was about to get nice long artificial nails like I always have, esp. since the samples I was shown were a bunch of long plastic nails and all the other women I saw when I looked around getting their nails done all had long nails so.... and the women doing it were Vietnamese and their English wasn't that good and I had trouble u8nderstanding them, Yeh, yeh, I do all finger for 20 dollar, yes it last for long time....so basically I just wasted 20$ to have someone else paint my nails for me (using professional tools and polish and stuff) that I could have just done myself and saved the $$$$ and never ended up with the nice long nails I thought I was going to have and needless to say I was disappointed and to make things even worse is I ended up picking them all off in a bad anxiety attack just 10 days later,too.I originally wasn't even going to mantion it as I felt so embarrassed for being so stupid but it's also so real and so raw and an example of how simple everyday things in life always confuse me and mix me up and how everything for me is always so hard and such a struggle all the time. People like me have a very hard time navigating thru the world that others just merely take for granted and find so easy and maybe my experiences will help other fellow stupids feel like they're not so alone....

Today's Thought.

My Close-Call.

Yesterday before I went up tohave a nap I quickly put Buddy out the back tp pee so he'd be good for awhile and as I was going towards the back door I felt something drip on my head and I looked up and saw water dripping from the kitchen ceiling-again-even though the roofer claimed he fixed the leaking roof, and so I called out to my mother in the next room the roof's still leaking and she didn't believe me, and so I proceeded to the door......and as soon as I got there and stood at the back door waiting for him to finish his business I heard this tremendously loud booming crashing sound right behimd  me, literally where I was just standing mere seconds before; a big chunk of the ceiling had just come crashing down onto the kitchen floor, mere inches from my head, right where I had just been standing seconds earlier! Holy shit! (it's seen here after my hubby cleaned up the hole a bit; he's since patched it up) and my response was yelling out to my mother, See, I told you the roof was still leaking!

Boy, that was sure a close-call; just mere seconds before it would have hit me right on the head and well, you can imagine. It landed right behind me, I could even feel a breeze it made. God was certainly watching out over me, just like He always has but the question is why? it's obviously not My Time yet and He still has plans for me and my life, but what? Why am I still here? Despite my pleas and prayers to be set free and to die and repeated suicide attempts even I'm still here and now this; a potential close-call with death and yet I came thisclose but survived. I'm not meant to go yet, but why? I feel like I'm ready but maybe God doesn't think I am? maybe I still have some yet-unresolved issues I have to still wrap up before I go; some unanswered questions perhaps, unresolved sin, reconciliation, self-awareness, self-improvement, etc. who knows, that still needs to be resolved, cleared up, dealt with, etc. before I'm free and can let go? Some kind of "score" that still needs to be settled before I can truly be set free? I have mixed-emotions about the close-call though; about God sparing me; in one way I feel grateful for saving me but in another way pissed-off; why does He keep saving me when all I want to do is go?

Wordless Wednesday.

Daily Musing.

Monarchs.

I've always had this "knowing" feeling that I would see a Monarch butterly just before I die and yesterday I saw 4 of them and one of them came so close to me it kept flying all around me and I thought it was going to land on me so I wonder.....that must mean I'm going to die in late summer or early fall though as that's when they migrate... I also bet my last dying words will be I wanna rock!....I was also shocked and saddened yesterday to hear a Facebook friend in the UK had died. She was only 47 and my fourth FB friend to have died in 8 years; the others all died of cancer and with her it was heart and multiple organ failure. I wasn't expecting it and didn't know she was that sick and the last time I heard from her a couple of weeks ago she said they thought something might be wrong with her heart. When she was 40 she had a non-cancerous brain tumour removed and I remember her saying it was the first time she'd ever had surgery or even been to the hospital, and she's had a rough life; when she was very small her Ghanian father sold her to a witch doctor where she was ritually abused in occult ceremonies until her maternal grandparents were able to rescue her and she left home as a young teen, was raped at 18 and struggled life-long with mental illness and with her sexuality and finally recently found love and then she died. It's all just so sad and I hope she's finally found peace and happiness. I wanted to share her story so she wouldn't be forgotten; so that people would know she existed and remember her.

My hubby's also off 2 weeks for summer vacation; this week and last week yet he said he couldn't find the time to take me to the "Ex" on a seperate day and had to squish it all into the same day as I went to the KISS concert, instead of going on 2 seperate days like I'd prefer so it's less rush, and for the past 3 days I feel even more sicky and yucky than usual; really sweaty, weak, faint, nauseated, no appetite( all I eat is a yogurt all day and I'm still not hungry) abdomenal pain, headache, and so tired I slept most of the day yesterday and I feel like I'm fading away and today the back of my head hurts again too and feels like when you hit it and get a sore bump except I never did, so I wonder if maybe it's a little brain bleed or a mini stroke or something? it's just like I had before only on the other side.

My cousins after being in California are now in Vegas too and so is my friend J from Ottawa and they could pass by eachother walking down the street and not even know it,  and my cousin M (who's been a chef for the past 15 years) now has a new Edibles business up and my mother asked me What are 'edibles?' and I said, What? Are you kidding? and I went on to explain it has 2 meanings; either something that you can eat, or in this case, cannabis-infused food items, and a house across the street has sunflowers now as well and one of them is so tall it's easily 7-8 feet tall and so impressive,and Buddy doesn't like my hubby bald either and he noticed the change and just keeps staring at him like What the f*ck, man? What did you do? It's so funny!

I also don't believe notorious pedophile Jeffrey Epstein committed "suicide" in prison either as bones in his neck were broken which is consistant with strangulation and not hanging(but don't get me wrong, the f*cker got what he deserved either way) and I can't think of anything WORSE  THAN A PEDOPHILE, and if I ever found out my hubby was one, for example, I wouldn't hesitate to report him and if I found out he(or anyone!) was doing anything to our kids I'd make a couple of calls and have him taken "care" of, Epstein-style.....

Joke For The Day.

Tuesday Thoughts.

Or a beach in Jamaica!! 

and every last inch of your patience....

Daily Pondering.

FanExpo.

Here are the guys all dressed up for FanExpo. From left to right are the 18 YR old, the 16 YR old, the 12 YR old, my hubby, the 23 YR old's BF and the 23 YR old. I think the 16 YR old has the best costume and the 23 YR old has the best hair. The wig didn't work on my hubby so he actually ended up shaving off all his hair bald so now he's rocking the Walter White look and looks so bad-ass! I think he should keep it. It's a good look for him. They didn't get home until after Midnight last night.

Here are also fruits of our vine.

Gaaaccckkkk! I saw this as well.......coloured leaves already......and it's not alone,either; it has friends! Schools go back next week,too. Shit, Summer is almost over and fall is nearly here. I had to walk to church yesterday as well without my hubby here to drive me and honest to God I thought I was going to pass out. Even in church too I got so sweaty and hot. It must be my hormones again. Even in the morning it was just 15 C which isn't hot in itself but I was sweating and over-heating to my body it felt like it was in the 30 C's. Sweat just kept dripping and pouring off me and it felt like when you're caught in a hot stuffy room without A/C. It's just awful.

Larf For The Day.

OctoGrad.

When the kids were packing ( last minute, of course, because that's how they roll; tossing items in their bags and in the car as they were going out the door that morning) for their 4 day adventure the other day I saw what I thought looked like a yellow Smiley-face or an octopus dressed in a graduation gown and cap (pictured here) but at first I didn't know if I was just seeing things or not; if it was just my imagination playing "tricks" on me, like another hallucination I sometimes get with my bipolar, but nope.....this one was actually real, this time I actually really was a yellow octopus dressed as a Grad and I had my mother take a look too just to verify and she saw it,too and laughed and named it OctoGrad and for some reason I just lost it. It just seemed so hilariously funny I just cracked up and couldn't stop laughing. It just seemed like the funniest thing ever. OctoGrad. I love it. Apparantly it's a character from some Anime; a teacher that got killed in his classroom. Yuck! Sinister and creepy, I know. That Anime is weird. What kind of crazy shit do they watch?

I've really been enjoying these past few days off with mostly everyone gone. It's just me, Buddy, my mother, and the 24 YR old home. it's been really nice and quiet and the 24 YR old mentioned it,too. No one here to provoke, instigate, be a shit-disturber, tease Buddy, berate, belittle or insult me ( my mother won't generally on her own; it's when she gets together with my hubby and they form an alliance but on her own she's generally not too bad) hassle me about my loud "stupid" music or my weed, call me names, put me down, disrespect my stuff, make a mess, steal stuff, etc... I even got to have a long leisurely bath with my bath-bomb and lavender epsom salts as long as I wanted and didn't have to rush out to get someone breakfast, or keep track of the time; I could just do whatever, whenever at a leisurely pace. I smoked myself cross-eyed, had long naps, took as long as I wanted doing whatever not having to rush, I could leave my blanket on the couch, blast my music and listen to the music I  want without having to put headphones on, sing out loud and dance around the room, etc. the only thing was I went to cut my hair and the hair shaver was gone.....they took it with them. I also couldn't find the AfterBite for my mosquito bites so I assume they must have taken that,too, but I had a wonderful relaxing break.

I've also been having bad dreams and visions about one of the kids; that something's going on and they're struggling and hurting but I don't know if it's actually real or not or just another bipolar thing  where I imagine things (and like a therapist once said Just because you think  it, doesn't mean it's true)so I'll have to have a talk with them and see and try and sort it out. As always I also pray on it and leave it with God to guide and direct me to do what's right.