Today's Art.

The Guitar Player by Almeida Junior.

I thought this looked like a portrait of artists Frida Kahlo and her husband Diego Rivera but the 25 YR old says no way I'm imagining it.

Daily Thought.

I Can't Breathe!!

I can't breathe!!

His name was George Floyd  and those were his last words. His last words as a policeman held him down by his neck, compressing him for several minutes until he died. His "crime?" Being Black.  Being Black shouldn't be a "crime" yet in USA it seems to be( and to a lesser degree here in Canada,too. Racism still happens here although to a lesser degree but it still is a problem and my BFF who is Korean has experienced it worse here actually but for Black people it's worse there yet even here when you hear on the news the cops shot and killed a suspect he's almost always Black and when they handcuff and arrest someone he's always a White guy. Why?) and police are notoriously known for basically hunting and killing Black people, mainly young Black men, and then they wonder why they have such a bad relationship with not only the Black community but why the general public doesn't have faith in them or trust them.

Police brutality and systemic racism, maybe?

So now across cities in USA in response there have been angry riots, looting, arson( they even set fire to a police station sending the cops fleeing, HA!) and overall revolt, anarchy and mayhem.It's like with the Rodney King situation in L.A. only years later. People don't learn and history repeats itself. Violence is never the solution and nothing justifies looting etc. but at the same time this is also how the unheard make themselves heard and the people are hurting and they're angry; tired of oppression , racism, discrimination, and police brutality, and now they are finally rising up, have had enough,and are fighting back.  It's gotten so bad that the National Guard has even been called in, set curfews, and been shooting  on the crowd of angry protesters with tear gas and rubber bullets. It has become chaos and if something doesn't change soon, if they don't stop killing Black people  there is going to be a revolution.

Something needs to be done.

Things have to change.

This is NOT acceptable and the people have had enough.

God is watching.

Remember George Floyd.

Laff For The Day.

My Leg.

Shit, I'm still alive. I had that dream awhile ago I was to die yesterday, on the 29th but I'm still here. Aw, shit. I guess sometime's a dream is just a dream. Buddy also keeps humping, pawing at, and excessively licking and barking at my left leg,too, the one with the lump at the back of my thigh the size of my hand too that's itchy at times I've had for a few days now(maybe even longer I don't know; I just recently noticed it but my legs are thick like tree trunks so it could have been there for awhile and went unnoticed like when my cousin was prego I couldn't even tell because she was fat even beofre so it just blended in) as if he's trying to alert or warn me about something, like he does before a storm is coming, I'm about to have a seizure, or an intruder is around, whether it's his nemesis the Grey Cat or someone on our porch or too close to the house in any way, so I wonder what he's trying to tell me? What is it? Could I perhaps have the cellulitis like my mother has or something,too? Or maybe even cancer or a blood clot? He's overly concerned about that leg, refusing to leave it alone and always trying to draw my attention to it so I wonder what it is? Doubling my diuretic seems to be working now too as I now notice the swelling in my legs, ankles, feet and hands is alot less and even my double-chin is gone now too( yay! a bonus!) and the rolls of fat on my stomach and side are much less now as well(I probably even lost weight too as my pants are looser now but the scale is broken so I have no way to know for sure) and I notice I can even breathe a bit better too and am not as short of breath, I guess now with less fluid no longer in my lungs and around my heart? It's doing it's job!

A thought also occurred: is it possible I could have had TB sometime and it settled into this; into kidney damage, cough, and back, joint and bone pain? it's possible since I have been to alot of places where it still exists and I also remember too my hubby telling me decades ago his mother had it, so it 's one of those things that just makes me wonder......I'm just trying to "connect the dots" and the 13 YR old always mocks my Disease of the Day but I know something is causing all my symptoms and making me feel like this; I'm just trying to figure out what it is, sort of like a mystery. My family makes fun of me too and thinks I'm a crazy conspiricy theorist about the "pandemic" too as I think there's alot more going on that they're not telling us and I know I am crazy(but it still doesn't mean that I'm not right about this!) but a little validation would also be nice,too.

In the video game Aminal Crossing  the 17 YR old is also discriminating and only allows the cute villagers into her village and kicks out the "ugly" ones, and really hates the squirrel she calls "hideous" and won't let any "ugly" ones in, like an elite club or something and I think it's awful, as being an ugly person who has been hated, left out, held back, discriminated against, lost opportunities, always the last one chosen, never picked, bullied, rejected, not accepted, etc. simply for the way I look(which I can't help and have no control over) this is a particularly sore subject with me, and it really bothers and angers me when people are rejected, left out, considered not "worthy" or rejected as friends or whatever because they are deemed ugly because I know how it feels, and I've also always been hated, yelled at, criticized, put down, scolded, punished, rejected, scorned, etc. for not conforming to other people's expectations and ideals of what they think I'm supposed to be and for just being myself. Life is already hard enough as it is but when you also are ugly, have Asperger's, bipolar, Social Phobia, etc. it just makes it even that much more difficult.

The 25 YR old also got frustrated mixing up his robotic assistants Google Home and Alexa he deemed First World Problems, and not only does Buddy bark when someone's at the door but also when the phone rings too, to let me know(as I don't hear well) as he's a smart dog, and the other day I noticed too how my mother gave the rest of us 3 chicken wings each for dinner but gave the 13 YR old 6; twice as many(so much for being "fair"), like usual. always special and more for him,and her excuse was he's growing! Yeah, well, isn't the 17 YR old still growing, too, plus she also had an eating disorder so we have to esp. make sure she gets enough food....she also criticized me last night for only ever telling him off all the time and never saying what a good job he did,etc. but that's not entirely true; it's just that he's always acting-up, being so mouthy, annoying, provoking, stirring the pot, being a shit-disturber, aggravating, defiant, disobedient, etc. so he has to be dealt with accordingly( it just so happens that I'm the only  one that does, so that makes me the Bad Guy; my mother and hubby let him get away with everything) but when he does do something good I do tell him, such as telling him he did a good job cutting the grass,making his Minecraft, or praising him for how smart he is( the kid's a genius) it's just that he usually doesn't  behave so well and is usually having to get told off.

Fudge Brownie Cheesecake

Ingredients:

1 box brownie mix or for a fully no-bake recipe, buy a pre-made brownie and cut to fit to an 8 inch spring-form pan
1 1/2 cups 60% cocoa chocolate chips
12 ounces cream cheese softened
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup butter, softened
2 cups frozen non-dairy whipped topping thawed
3/4 cup mini semi-sweet chocolate chips

10-minute Hot Fudge Sauce

1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup cocoa powder
1/4 cup butter
1/4 cup milk
2 teaspoons vanilla

Instructions:

Prepare an 8-inch springform pan, otherwise known as a cheesecake pan by spraying with cooking oil. Make brownies according to package directions. Remove brownies from oven and let them completely cool.

Once brownies are completely cool make the no-bake cheesecake. In a small bowl add chocolate chips and heat in microwave for 1-minute. Stir, and then heat in 30-second intervals stirring in between until chocolate is completely smooth and melted. Set aside to cool.

Beat together cream cheese, sugar and butter in large bowl on medium speed until smooth and creamy. I used my KitchenAid mixer for this. Slowly add in cooled melted chocolate chips, stirring until well blended. Then fold in whipped topping until blended, I get a little impatient and usually start to beat it.
Add in mini chocolate chips and stir until incorporated. Spread on top of cooled brownies.
Place in the refrigerator until firm and set 30-60 minutes.

When ready to serve, make fudge sauce.
Cut the cheesecake into slices and serve, drizzle with hot fudge sauce.

Thought For Today.

Precisely.

The Grand Duchess.

I've always had a vivid and lively imagination, esp. as a kid but still even now as an adult.People always assumed I would grow up to be a writer, always so imaginative, descriptive, creative. When I was a kid, however, I used to always pretend that I was a Grand Duchess , elegant, royal, beautiful and lovely and I would hold court and walk down a carpeted aisle with everyone ooh-ing and ahh-ing at me in wonder, saying how beautiful I was, admiring me, wanting to get close to me, touch me, be near me, to be me, and I would walk down the carpet smiling and waving to my adoring public and they would be cheering and welcoming,  the exact opposite of what I faced in my real actual life of bullying, being left out, ostracized, not fitting in or belonging, being excluded, mocked, ridiculed, being ugly and outcast, and I would dress up all fancy in my mother's long dresses and my Babushka's furs and jewellery and prance around in front of the mirror and act all ritzy and sophistocated like the Grand Duchess I imagined myself to be, and I would have samovar parties with my stuffed toys, all arranged sitting around in a circle, having a royal banquet, and we would discuss high-brow events like the weather and I would fantasize of my marriage to prince so-and-so. it was all very magical, fairy-tale and romantic.

But then the Grand Duchess grew up, got uglier as she got older, and her kingdom vanished, her "Prince" turned into a frog and Happily Ever After  was never to be found and her dreams died along with her.

The other day my mother also ordered (didn't ask or request nicely) the 25 YR old to clear all the weeds and crap from the "jungle" at the back so the guy can come and clean and check the furnace and A/C for it's annual inspection/cleaning and he balked of course, telling her that maybe if she'd asked nicely instead of ordering him like a servant he might have but refuses, and then she got really furious claiming she did  'ask" him first( she didn't; it was an order all along right from the beginning) but then had "no choice" but to order him after that as there was "no other way to get him to do it" yet he still wouldn't and I tried to explain to her that's not how to get someone to do something and that she had to ask him nicely and that he's a grown 25 YR old MAN and that he doesn't have to do anything she tells him to and she has no authority over him at all and then she goes on how he never does anything around here and never helps out.... but she still never 'got" it that he doesn't "owe" her anything and she has no authority over him and he's not obligated to do anything for her, and esp. even more so when she asks like that. She's always been like that though and even on trips she embarrasses me too the way she orders cruise, hotel or airline staff around to serve and cater to her, for example, and some of them even stand up to her telling her, I am not your servant, Madam" and the shocked LOOK on her FACE is just priceless  and leaves her open-mouthed and speechless  and me laughing my ass off because she soooo deserves it! HA! I just love seeing Karma live in action! Holy shit is it ever wonderful!! Today child # 8 also turns 21 (Happy Birthday!) and I lost my virginity when I was 21 ( just 2 weeks before I turned 22) and exactly 10 months to the day later my first child was born!

Today's Art Lesson.

On Al Khan Beach by Ali Al Abdan 

Daily Musing.

I Love Lilacs!

Last night I went for my annual lilac hunt. I like to try and go a few times during lilac season as it only lasts for around 2 weeks but often my hubby doesn't have the time so I usually only get to go once. We drove out to a public area where they grow wild, next to the water along the shoreline abundantly so it's public land and belongs to everybody, incl. me so I picked a big bunch, enough to fill up a big black garbage bag, as shown here. I got enough to fill up 4-5 vases( and how do you pronounce the word vase anyway? My mother and I both say voz yet the kids say that's "wrong" and think it sounds "pretentious" and insist it's pronounced vayz. What say you?) I got some for the livingroom and diningroom and even made up 2 vases for the 17 YR old and my mother's bedrooms and when I came downstairs this morning the entire house smelled like lilacs. It was wonderful; that's one of the best smells in the world and one of my faves.  and I even have a lilac perfume and I've loved them ever since I was a kid and both Babushka and my aunt had lilac trees in their yards. They were a big part of my childhood and hold alot of happy memories only then I would steal them off random people's bushes(what Babushka used to describe me as a bold child) which I still feel badly about today although at the time I reason they have lots and wouldn't even notice but now I only take them from public areas. As a kid I always used to imagine my wedding bouquet had lilacs in them too only I got married in December but maybe my funeral arrangement will have them instead as most people in my family die in May and that's lilac season....

Yesterday my mother also had to go back and have her arm checked and she got it wrong; it wasn't a month her meds were for; it was only a week, and they gave her more again for another week as the swelling is still there, although much less and it's still itchy and now only hurts if you touch it but they said if she stops now it will almost certainly come back and with something serious like a bacterial infection you don't want to fool around. I also don't notice any difference in my bad edema yet with my diuretic doubled in dose yet although it's only been a couple of days although I am peeing alot more though as my body gets rid of all the excess fluid and he also gave me a potassium supplement this time too so I don't get depleted of potassium like I did a few years ago when I first started on the diuretic and my potassium level was almost zero and I had to go to the ER and get potassium IV it was at such a critically low level it was dangeous. The neighbours across the street also have their lawn cut by a professional every week and have it sprayed for weeds too yet even so it still has dandilions and looks just as bad as everyone else's so why are they still wasting all that $$$$? I also heard an ad for Weed Man  on the radio, the weed lawn company, but when I heard Weed Man  I cracked up laughing because that wasn't  the kind of Weed Man I was thinking of!

Wordless Wednesday.

Today's Truth.

Unmasked.

They won't make me wear a mask or get a vaccine but this is actually the only mask that I ever would wear if I absolutely had to, that is, they would kill someone I loved if I didn't.  Do you recognize it? it's Fiona the hippo! With my breathing problems I wouldn't be able to breathe with my mouth covered up and always when I come out of surgery they even have it written down in my notes to NOT have the oxygen mask still on me once I wake up and am fully conscious and aware because I start to panic and claw at it frantically trying to pull it off and I can remember one time they forgot and I did; I was waking up trying to get it off my face, and I heard a voice in the background(I assume a nurse) saying Uh, oh! This one wasn't supposed to have a mask! and I could feel someone taking it off as I was fumbling around struggling trying to get it off as I wasn't quite totally awake yet; my eyes were still closed but I was starting to come "out" of it and I was aware enough I could still feel it on my face making me feel suffocated and panicked and I could hear. I also notice too that for the most part people in this town don't even wear masks and if you see the odd person that does you know they're from out of town.

This morning as I was out walking Buddy for his early morning walk just past 7 am as we were coming back I saw this car pull into our driveway and a guy got out and took someothing OUT  of our mailbox and hopped back into his car and drove away before I could race back in time to confront him and I was mad; I thought he was one of those Porch Pirates robbing us but I did take note of his license plate and car details the son-of-a-bitch as I was going to nail him good when I called the police.....and when I got in the door and told my hubby what just happened he said Oh, that was so-and-so just picking up his USB dtrive.... and I'm like Whaaaat? Why didn't he tell me? I thought we were being robbed and if I had been closer I would have really ripped into the poor guy.....just like the time he gave away our wagon to the neighbours without asking me( and I still needed it for my gardening,too!) or telling me and I saw it over there in their yard and was going to march over there and take it back thinking they stole it out of our yard.....holy shit.... one thing I don't like, tolerate, or put up with is being cheated, robbed, ripped-off, or taken advantage of.

  Yesterday it was also 30 C with a humidex of 36 C and I still did spend all day outside only in the shade all day; it was too hot, even for me; I like the heat but NOT the humidity, and today it's going to 31 C but feeling like 40 C so at some point I might even have to come inside and not be able to be out all day and we're supposed to break a 43 YR record today too from 28 C this day back in 1977. Yesterday when the 25 YR old came home from work he also gave me a lilac( one of my fave. flowers ever since I was a kid and still is) sprig he picked for me on the way home, knowing I love lilacs and I was sooo touched he thought to do that for me and I love lilacs sooooo much but he down-played it like it was no big deal( even though to me it was and it meant alot) saying he doesn't really care or feel love, etc. acting all "macho" etc. when I know that really, deep down he is a sweetheart and does have a big heart and is a good boy and there's a reason he's always been one of my favourites and he's actually one that treats me decently.

Today's Thought.

Hollyhocks And Vines And No Internet.

At first I wasn't even sure if I would even be able to be writing this post as yesterday the Internet was out for most of the day and not only here but in the entire town and even in neighbouring towns,too(I never did find out why) and they said maybe even for up for 2 days! Of course both the 17 and 25 YR old had days off yesterday too and couldn't use their computers ( it figures, just our luck) but at least they were still able to play their video games. It's sooo hot now too we have the A/C on now and it's going to 30 C today and we had a big thunderstorm the other night too to cool off the humidity. It's like we skipped spring and just went straight to summer.  I saw Hollyhocks( like the ones pictured here) the other day too and it brought back happy childhood memories as when I was a kid I used to see Hollyhocks pretty much everywhere back in the 70's; in people's gardens, growing wild in fields, at camp, the cottage, you name it, but now I hardly ever see them at all; it's almost like they're extinct, and the last time I saw any was in some randon garden in Kingston 2 years or so ago and you can't even find thse tall ones anymore but rather some new version that grows on bushes. I didn't even used to like them when I was a kid; I used to think that they were big and ugly at the time but now I like them because now they are nostalgic and bring back happy memories of a happy time in my life. It's the same with Gladioloi and lilacs(I've always liked them but they also bring back happy memories), which are now finally starting to bloom, which is rare this year as they usually open earlier in May and now I also have to go on my annual Lilac Hunt. I had a dream as well that I died this Friday, 29 May(that's also one of the kids' 21st birthday too so I hope NOT) so if I do I want lilacs at my funeral and it will be interesting to see if anything actually comes of it although I'm sure by then I will have  forgotten about it.

I also photo-documented  the stages of bud development in the leaves on our vines at the back as they slowly start to open up, also late in the season and our mulberry trees don't even have leaves yet although they always are the last anyway and even the other trees just opened within the past week or so so this year everything  is a Late Bloomer( but then again so was I, ha,ha) My doctor also called yesterday for my app't( that's the new thing now with the "pandemic": phonecall app'ts) and I was waiting for the call only I didn't know that with no InterNet the phone wouldn't work as it's connected so there I was, waiting for a call, for the phone to ring and it never did and then my hubby comes up and said he did call and it was re-routed to his e-mail so I had to call him back using my hubby's cell phone. Weird, I know. Who knew? He re-newed my prescriptions and doubled the diuretic from 20mg to 40mg as my fluid retention is really  bad lately, esp. in my legs. ankles, feet, and hands, and said to increase my BP dose, and when I asked to run a blood test for Addison's Disease since I have the symptoms and strongly suspect I have it he said it's very rare and very dangerous and  if I did I'd be really  lethargic,dehydrated, and sick which I am; I just "hide" it well(and I'm so used to feeling like crap daily I don't even think much about it anymore) I guess and don't "show" it, just like when I had Cholestasis and I knew it,too only the hospital didn't believe it as I didn't 'look and act' sick enough  but they took my blood anyway and sure enough called later confirming I was right and I did  have it afterall, so he said he will order a cortisol test.

I was also late bringing Buddy out for his walk waiting for my call all morning but lucky for me he's so understanding, patient, and forgiving and I love him so much for that and am so grateful that he puts up with me and even loves me in spite of everything, and the 13 YR old thought the Wild Cherry  song Play That Funky Music  was Play That F*CKING Music and my mother had the gall to turn off a Bon Jovi song right in the middle too which was just disrespectful but at least it wasn't Van Halen  though otherwise it would have been just unforgivable, and the 25 YR old got this T-shirt made with Justin Bieber's face on it from he was a teen (and at first I wasn't even sure who it was and then I recognized him and my first thought was merely WHY?????) on a purple shirt and he thinks it's hilarious, esp. looking so tough with his shaved head and then wearing this really "sissy" shirt and I told him he might as well have the words I am gay ironed on the back,too, and it's a good thing he knows jiu-jitsu otherwise he'd probably get beaten up. Even as much as the 17 and 18 YR old's have always liked that "pussy" Pop music to their credit at least even they never liked Justin Bieber! Even they have enough taste to never have liked that!

Yesterday my hubby also accused me of being drunk  if you can believe it when I don't even drink! He scowled at me and snarled, What are you, drunk; you're slurring your words!! and I wasn't even aware that I was and I hadn't taken anything and wasn't "on" anything so I wonder if maybe I had some sort of medical "episode" or something, like a mini-stroke perhaps, or something, esp. as I did  feel "off" all day yesterday,too; sort of "floaty" and "woozy" and I was dizzy and had a headache and all day Buddy was agitated, anxious and trying to "alert" me to something like he does when he senses danger, like he would when he senses an oncoming storm or before I have a seizure, but nothing happened that I was aware of, so I wonder what it was? I notice another sore bump on the back of my head again too but that might just also be a flea bite or something,too...

Joke For The Day.

Monday Memes.

Who doesn't?

"Music is life" - Bob Marley

I actually did name one of our house plants Robert Plant!!!!

and with my ass sticking up in the air so it's easier for them to kiss it! POGUE MAHONE all the way, baby!

My hubby!